If any one has questions on the awakening process

[Boddhi]

Hello everyone my name is Boddhi, this is not my birth name but i have no real connection to the one that was given to me.
A little about myself, i was brought up in a religious Jewish household. For as long as i can remember, or even care to i was miserable. So i went to drugs and alchohol....didnt make me happy. Made a lot of money.....not happy. Had girlfriends.....not happy so on so forth for years. when i started meditating something clicked and since then i have been jumping religions. For a year here i was a buddhist hardcore. for a year here i was really into Judiasm, and the more and more i learned about the worldly medidations and applied them to my life, and learned from masters from every religion it was becoming me. When i then at the end of my search got into Taoism and Tantra (Shivas 112 medidations forms) something clicked....i thought i died....and in a way i did. its been three months now and all ive been doing including now as im writing this is teaching others to unerstand that its not as hard as it seems, and there is nothing to be scared about. I have more students than i thought possible and growing. i dont charge money im not interested. If anyone has any questions or just want to talk it out ill be here(or if u want to get smart It is everywhere and always here lol) enjoy. PEACE AND LOVE

[dobe]

I wish my ego self would just go, click click, and die already

so how did this dieing happen to you? could you explain a bit more? maybe of your struggle up until that point and then what you experienced when you thought you died?

Like for me I've been meditating for like 4months now.  My desire to wake up fully is growing steadily, actually its all I "really" care about now.  Everything else I do is just peripheral.  But doubts creep in from time to time, like if I'm not doing something right and wasting loads of time.  Ive been meditating every day now for over a month 1hr in the morning and 1hr at night, and I try and sneak in 30min~ sessions in between when I can.

Now it takes a lot to bother me, and I usually catch myself real quick before I get angry at anything.  I'm definitely more aware of my thoughts, and my mind seems to be settling down.  I suppose I'm on the right track, but my determination sure does wain sometimes, and I become frustrated a bit.  Then I usually go back to my favorite dharma... which im about to do now with some tea.

I'd like to get to a point where I really enjoy my meditation sessions.  It still feels like work to me.  Usuaully the first 30minutes im agitated, then I settle into my body, nice head feelings, a nice subtle sense of peace, then my butt goes numb around 1hr-1.3hr in, back aches a bit, and I end up stopping.  aaah, just venting a bit... I've only been meditating for 4months lol, I know people on 40years still trying to finish the path.

I guess I'd like to hear some stories about how it got easier for people, or more enjoyable.

[punkmonk]

I don't believe it's a killing of the ego. I believe it's more that the ego becomes more in harmony with the True Self. My teacher likes to say "The only people I've ever met with no ego are psychotics." The ego is not good or bad. It's simply the culmination of the coming together of the 5 skandhas. If you think of it in terms of conditioning, from your genetics, to your emotional development, to your sense of the world, to your sense of identity through peer interaction, and then to your early adulthood which then forms the "you" that you think you are. The good thing about practicing mindfulness and meditation is that you now have the chance to create your own conditioning. This is where you will experience a great freedom. As far as your meditation periods go, I would shorten them. Do 20 minutes in the morning, and 20 at night. Don't be in a rush. It will come.

[dobe]

I might be pushing myself a bit, but 20min sessions are way too short imo.  I went through a period when I started out where thats all my sanity could take, but now I feel 45min~ sessions are my sweet spot, i could go longer to 1hr and 20min sessions, and I have been doing so this past month.

the only thing I risk by pushing myself is getting frustrated and stopping as far as I know?  I mean if im 45 minutes in and feel like continuing, I don't see the reason to cut it short.  Are there any other risks of pushing yourself?

[kidnovice]

Hey Dobe,

In my opinion, "pushing yourself" has an important and powerful place in meditation practice. HOWEVER,  its quite possible that as you "push" yourself, you are generating a tense and agitated mind. And that's no good.

As much as possible, you should keep a portion of your mind attending to the quality of your awareness. Is it soft and kind? Gentle and friendly? Or is it agitated and tense? Excited or straining? The more you tune into this aspect  of your experience, the more you will be able to "push" yourself in a way that broadens your ability to be happy on and off the cushion. But if you aren't tuned into it, then "pushing yourself" can be very counterproductive. You will likely be cultivating qualities that are the exact opposite of what you want. 

You say:

the only thing I risk by pushing myself is getting frustrated and stopping as far as I know?

But it seems to me that if you keep generating a frustrated and agitated mind, thats what you will keep getting. So, thats no small risk! Be heedful of these dangers.

I have gone through phases when I pushed myself like you are describing, and it has borne fruit, but don't think it is without risk. The first three years of my practice, I had no clue what I was doing, but I was inculcated with a spirit of not-doing and staying relaxed. And you know what? I think it has served me well. It allowed me to really see meditation as an enjoyable and pleasant part of my life. This became the foundation for a more driven and intelligent practice that I developed later on, but I never let go of the sense that my meditation is a wonderful gift. As you are so early in your practice, it might be worth becoming a bit low key, and finding ways to make your practice comfortable and enjoyable now. (as opposed to waiting for a time when you might enjoy it later).


From what you say here:

I wish my ego self would just go, click click, and die already Tongue

so how did this dieing happen to you? could you explain a bit more? maybe of your struggle up until that point and then what you experienced when you thought you died?

Like for me I've been meditating for like 4months now.  My desire to wake up fully is growing steadily, actually its all I "really" care about now.  Everything else I do is just peripheral.  But doubts creep in from time to time, like if I'm not doing something right and wasting loads of time.  Ive been meditating every day now for over a month 1hr in the morning and 1hr at night, and I try and sneak in 30min~ sessions in between when I can.

Now it takes a lot to bother me, and I usually catch myself real quick before I get angry at anything.  I'm definitely more aware of my thoughts, and my mind seems to be settling down.  I suppose I'm on the right track, but my determination sure does wain sometimes, and I become frustrated a bit.  Then I usually go back to my favorite dharma... which im about to do now with some tea.

I'd like to get to a point where I really enjoy my meditation sessions.  It still feels like work to me.  Usuaully the first 30minutes im agitated, then I settle into my body, nice head feelings, a nice subtle sense of peace, then my butt goes numb around 1hr-1.3hr in, back aches a bit, and I end up stopping.  aaah, just venting a bit... I've only been meditating for 4months lol, I know people on 40years still trying to finish the path.

I guess I'd like to hear some stories about how it got easier for people, or more enjoyable.

I suspect that you probably are on the "right track." If your mind is settling down, and you're at times finding a "nice subtle sense of peace" thats a good thing. As with developing any new skill, its natural that it should sometimes feel "like work." But if its always feeling "like work," you should look for ways to change that.  One thing you might try is stopping at your "sweet spot."  If you find yourself reaching that nice place of peace, but then losing it due to aches and pains, try standing up before the pain invades the quality of your awareness. See if you can do so while sustaining your sense of peace. This is a great practice if you want to extend your mindfulness outside the cushion. Then, after standing for one or two minutes, you might even find that you can sit back down without any discomfort, and deepen your sense of peace. Or you might find that it is nice to leave meditation happy.

Remember, equanimity is awesome, but it isn't the only Bhramavihara. Loving-kindness, Compassion, and Sympathetic Joy are also wonderful qualities to cultivate.

With Metta,
KN

[dobe]

thanks for the responce kidnovice, I might have been pushing myself a bit too much, I just get excited sometimes when I hear some good dharma talks and things start making sense intellectually.

anyways i enjoyed reading your response, thx again for the advice =)

[Matthew]

I don't believe it's a killing of the ego. I believe it's more that the ego becomes more in harmony with the True Self. ...

Contradictory to Buddha's teaching - and my own experience after reflection - which denies the reality of any "true self" and recognises instead that everything is compounded process and change. This could be semantics depending on how you are defining "true self".

Or not. ..

M