Hi Dj,
I noticed that your post sparked another heated debate around Goenka, and as a result you didn't really get what you asked for: advice and encouragement. In fact, the controversy is probably counter-productive to your own healing because it just creates more fuel for your anger, and keeps it tied to the object (in this case, Goenka). As indicated by some of your comments, you already know this. As we all know,it takes a lot longer to heal if you stay mired in a sob-story.
Anyway, I'm not going to defend Goenka's style of retreats, but you should know that I have sat and served many retreats, and have even managed a couple. So, suffice to say, I feel that the rigorous schedule (and emphasis on subtle aspects of the body) brings out the best in me. However, for many years, I have also felt that the Goenka retreats are not for everyone, and carry the risk of unleashing "challenging" aspects of the mind. In fact, I rarely recommend it to people. The other day, my friend, a fairly serious meditator who has done a few retreats with other (more "gentle") vipassana teachers, mentioned that she was planning to go to a Goenka retreat, but that she was scared. My answer? "You should be." I think that says it all. Even though I believe the seriousness of a Goenka retreat would be great for her, I also think that people should enter the retreat with a much deeper sense of the challenges that they will likely face when pushed to meditate so intensely. Its not about Goenka or the retreat itself, but the forces hidden just below the surface of our consciousness.
Now, as for your own experience, let me start with a cliche: "This too shall pass." Seriously. I have known a few people who unlocked extremely unpleasant mental states on retreat (and on the flip-side-- seductively pleasant, but also dangerous states). And trust me, they all fade away. Eventually, you will be your same self again. How long these states last depend on alot of factors, but more than anything I think it has to do with the habits of mind that you have previously cultivated, how you choose to relate to your experience, and what you do with your mind in the present moment.
First of all, I would actually suggest you take a break from meditation. Unless when you meditate at home you have some sense that it is somehow a "safe harbor,” its probably a good idea to take a holiday from sitting on the cushion. Or if for whatever reason, you are really don't want to take a break, find a good group of people you can sit with. That helps alot. And as someone else mentioned, if you do choose to meditate again soon, consider taking an entirely different approach. For example, the Mahasi Sayadaw style of vipassana could be good for you at this time (i.e., gentle noting of your moment-to-moment experiences). Or maybe try to just cultivate a kind awareness of anything that arises in your field of consciousness (sounds, etc.). If you decide to focus on the breath, perhaps try observing it more generally or even just at the abdomen. And of course, walking meditation is a reliable palliative for many practitioners.
Aside from meditation, its worth mentioning not to forget all the other emotional resources you’ve cultivated over the years. Now would be a good time to indulge in some (healthy) comfort activities. Go for a run. Play some basketball. Watch a good movie or check out a favorite band. Have lunch with a friend, and just shooti the breeze. You get my drift.
Most importantly, don't take yourself (or your meditation experience too seriously). There are tons of meditators who have had awesomely amazing experiences and swore they had tasted nibbana, only to realize that they were still the same jerk that they had always been. You're on the other side of the pendulum, where it is easy to believe that you have somehow caused yourself irreparable harm. Don't give the meditation practice so much credit. Your feelings may be highly amplified right now but, they are transient. And you will eventually (probably sooner than later), be your same old self.
Finally, let me just offer this friendly reminder: the story of your experience at the Goenka retreat is not over. You may no longer be there, but you are still writing the narrative that will frame how you see the experience from now on. This difficult experience really can become the fertile soil of great insight. How you relate/interpret it is EVERYTHING. I know you probably don't want to hear this right now, but the more you can see the experience as something that your mind did to you (and not what the retreat or Goenka did to you), the more you will be able to regain your bearings on the path.
With that said, I know this is a difficult time for you. And there is no easy fix. But trust in yourself, that you can get through this. I wish you all the best.
Metta,
Dylan
