Hi, i'm new to this forum so firstly wanted to say hello. I'm considering doing a Vipassana course in Hong Kong in the near future due to some general unrest that i have in my life.
I came out of a 10 year relationship around 2 years ago. It was the only relationship i've ever been in and for the last 2 years have found myself awash in the sea struggling to work my life out. I was always quite introverted as a child so i find social situations and the thought of sex or relationships with new partners quite intimidating. I've developed moderate anxiety about social situations, relationships, sex that have been affecting me during this time. I think this is mainly because I've put a LOT of pressure on myself to "get better" - self help books, courses, social events etc, constantly pushing, forcing myself to change.
I've come to realise that a lot of my problems revolve around craving and aversion. I'm craving this new life - one where i'm totally confident, sexually active, great around people, and one that i've seen at times in myself in the past already, and that i see other people all around me enjoying. I want it so much. But at the same time part of me keeps pulling me back. Part of me doesn't want it, it wan't to stay safe, alone, protected, away from the world. I feel like my life is a constant battle against myself that is slowly destroying me from the inside.
Then i came across Vipassana and when i read about how craving and aversion creates most of the suffering in our lives, it really rang true. It made a lot of sense to me and i want to see if it can help me. But the big question i don't understand in all of this is....
If we are to let go of the craving, how do we ever evolve? I feel like if i really let go of the cravings, i would sink back into being this lonely, shy person, taking a back-seat in life, not experiencing so many things, not pushing myself to meet people so that i might one day find somebody to spend my life with, in a way i feel i am really capable of and that i deserve. How can we become better people if it's not for the craving of the mind driving us towards new experiences and better lives? And how can i let go of the aversion that is holding me back, that is trying so hard to protect me and keep me safe from emotional pain?
I'd love to hear what you think about this, especially if you've had similar thoughts and experiences and how you feel that Vipassana has changed your life in this respect.