Difficulties dealing with people

[mobius]

I've always been a shy and introverted person. But I have certainty improved my people skills and been more open in the past 10+ years and better at talking to others compared to when I was young. I've been told I'm a nice person, albeit a quiet person quiet often by people. Yet in just the past couple of years, things seem to be going the other way. People in all of the communities I'm a part of seem to be quickly getting short tempered, easily angered, argumentative. I feel as though it's rubbing off onto me (or I'm delusional and it was really me all along, not everyone else) and I'm becoming more this way. In the end all of it tends to force me to be around others less and less, I talk less, I'm much less excited to share stories, jokes, advice etc, with others. And now I'm hearing from other people similar stories.
Of course this is no new statement; internet and social media; instead of bringing people together seems to be driving us apart.
I miss talking to people and having a good time. I miss laughing and joking and celebrating the joy of life.

I guess what I'm most concerned with is; is this really just a social media thing; and I'm only observing what everyone else is already aware of; or am I really lacking in people skills? Is this an area I need major improvement on? And how to tell if it is? I mean, I admit I need improvement in every area of my life but I was under the impression, at least that I used to be good at avoiding fights and staying calm, even if it meant exiting the situation or not getting involved. Lately there have been times where I'm not involved at all it is just the constant drama and scenarios get me down.

[raushan]

Social skills/People skills are made up concepts by society and self improvement Gurus. You should only speak as much as necessary other wise it will create suffering for you. If you have the command of your mind you will know how much to speak.

[Dhamma]

Social skills/People skills are made up concepts by society and self improvement Gurus. You should only speak as much as necessary other wise it will create suffering for you. If you have the command of your mind you will know how much to speak.

Very true, dear friend. 

Yuttadhammo Bhikku talks about this very topic, I believe. Also, typical socializing is rather pointless. He also addresses this.

Talking too much is never good.

Peace and enlightenment.

[dharma bum]

I used to be introverted with people but now I feel like I talk too much because I'm also argumentative and tend to over-think. I find that I am less argumentative when I am at peace with myself and am able to avoid arguments. Almost all arguments are pointless.

I've got some practise in this forum in avoiding arguments.

I think if one is at peace with oneself, then you are not self-conscious. Then you respond to people in a natural way. You don't worry if you said the wrong thing, or think poorly of others if they said the wrong thing.

The concept of people skills is a bit overrated.

I also used to be told that I'm very quiet by people who talk too much. Perhaps I should have said - I'm not quiet. You talk too much.

[Dhamma]

I used to be introverted with people but now I feel like I talk too much because I'm also argumentative and tend to over-think. I find that I am less argumentative when I am at peace with myself and am able to avoid arguments. Almost all arguments are pointless.

I've got some practise in this forum in avoiding arguments.

I think if https://www.vipassanaforum.net/forum/Smileys/LightB/cheesy.gifone is at peace with oneself, then you are not self-conscious. Then you respond to people in a natural way. You don't worry if you said the wrong thing, or think poorly of others if they said the wrong thing.

The concept of people skills is a bit overrated.

I also used to be told that I'm very quiet by people who talk too much. Perhaps I should have said - I'm not quiet. You talk too much.

 

I think you were talking "just right" in your last post. LOL

Peace and enlightenment.

 

[Dharmic Tui]

I have adolescent kids, and when I talk to any of their friends the #1 thing they say they struggle with is loneliness. There is also a pronounced spike in mental health issues within their generation.

It would indeed seem like the technology we are deploying is fundamentally altering the nature of human interaction, and on balance not for the best.

If there was a conversational skill I'd promote is to speak less and listen more.

[Matthew]

Lately there have been times where I'm not involved at all it is just the constant drama and scenarios get me down.

Acting skilfully one can choose not to get involved. If others choose to create suffering in their lives you are not obligated to save them, unlikely to succeed if you try, and probably just get bummed out by the noise.

I deleted Facebook a couple of years ago, am rarely on Twitter any longer, and have a little interaction via Mastodon (which I find is more friendly than other "social" media).

Reading your whole post I am struck that there is a lot of self-doubt and thinking going on in reaction to perhaps an underlying sense of isolation? This can become a bit self-reinforcing as when one does encounter a pleasant social interaction it is easy to cling to it, to speak too much, or make more of it than the other. As DT points out, listening is the best skill for developing good relationships. Much more so than "selling yourself" through being engaging, entertaining or talking too much. And as Raushan says, saying little is often more.

It's not made easy in this world today to find the right balance yet mindfully engaging with people, being aware of the energy you bring, listening with deep intent when the other is speaking, and saying things truthfully and only when you have something useful to contribute can help a great deal.

I wish you success in moving beyond this current suffering.

I've got some practise in this forum in avoiding arguments.

LOL!

I think if one is at peace with oneself, then you are not self-conscious.

Yes, this ^^^

I also used to be told that I'm very quiet by people who talk too much. Perhaps I should have said - I'm not quiet. You talk too much.