Author Topic: revelations about self view  (Read 1180 times)

mobius

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    • vipassana
revelations about self view
« on: May 05, 2022, 11:42:31 PM »
Half a year ago I recognized something about myself that technically puts me into a society made label or category of human being that I never dreamed I was in before. Likely a lot of social pressures and family issues had to do with this repression (that I didn't realize it until now). It was a shocking revelation, but that's not what concerns me now.

It's almost funny, as soon as this realization happened, I noticed my mind becoming attached to it and identifying with it. Sometimes wanting that identity; yearning to be a part of the group. Sometimes rejecting it, being ashamed of it, afraid of being a part of that group and everything that goes along with it (or thing I think or were lead to believe are supposed to go along with that group). This makes me feel so different sometimes; as if I'm a completely different person than I was; but that's obviously objectively wrong. As outwardly most people in my day-to-day life don't know anything is different, because I haven't told them anything.

Some of you might just guess what I'm talking about but that doesn't matter. I honestly don't think it matters all that much; the issue here is labels themselves; Man, woman, black, white, American etc... these are all mental constructs. I believed that intellectually before I started meditating, it was only reaffirmed after I started, experimentally. But that was only in very breif short "mystical experiences". And those experiences were frankly so scary/shocking that I couldn't handle it. So.......... I'm not even sure now what I want to ask or why I'm making this post...?

I've read a bit about meditation bringing out repressed memories and things of that nature. This could be more of that coming out. It was actually pretty bad at first; I had a mini, actually almost nervous breakdown I think you could call it. I went to my job every day and survived but for about a week or so, right after the revelation I literally thought I was going insane and wouldn't make it through that, it was really scary, maybe one of the scariest moments of my life. If only for how my own mind was not in its right place, I did not feel like myself. I was having really stupid and immature thoughts. I thought I couldn't go on for really dumb reasons.
In any case, thankfully I got through it and am seeing much clearer now. I feel pretty good, have a much better handle on the situation. But what scares me the most is just how suddenly that happened and turned my world upside down. And the thought: what if that could happen again? And what else don't I know about myself???
"Not knowing how near the truth is, we seek it far away."
-Hakuin Ekaku

"I have seen a heap of trouble in my life, and most of it has never come to pass" - Mark Twain

dharma bum

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  • Certified Zen Master (second degree black belt)
    • vipassana
Re: revelations about self view
« Reply #1 on: May 06, 2022, 04:01:22 PM »
Hi mobius, I'm sorry to hear you're going through a rough time. It is very true that we get attached to labels because labels can give a false sense of comfort and make us build stories, make excuses, and set expectations from other people based on our labels.

When you say "what else you don't know about yourself", that is another thought that comes and goes. Many times, the thought comes to me that I have figured something out about either myself or the world. Then after some days, I get another thought that I have figured something about about myself or the world. I think what I have figured out right now is the real thing. Maybe one month from now, I will think something else.

When I look back at my whole life, all the thoughts that come to me seem absurd to me. It just seems like I'm always having some epiphanies that I forget about or discard. Then there is nothing left but to laugh at myself. I think there is some truth to whatever I think, but it is also true that whatever I think is mostly rubbish.
Mostly ignorant

Matthew

  • The Irreverent Buddhist
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  • Meditation: It's a D.I.Y. project.
    • Buddhism is a practical psychology and philosophy, not a religion.
    • If you cling to view, you must know this limits your potential.
Re: revelations about self view
« Reply #2 on: May 08, 2022, 08:33:31 PM »
Hey mobius,

It's true that meditation can allow to the surface historical trauma. It did for me. It continues to do so. It's true that society likes to label things. It's true that those labels are largely societal constructs too.

Peace in yourself is the foundation that that can make such revelations much less of a struggle. The mind when held in a state of calm equanimity is able to ride the waves of all this. Bringing the mind to such a state can trigger these realisations and remembrances.

I really like Jim Hopper's take on meditation for those with a background of trauma. The key is not to push yourself: just grow in peace, and let the mind tell you what it needs when you're ready.

Everything changes .. this isn't a mere platitude: it's a reassurance that what's going on for your now is a) completely normal, b) nothing to cling to, and c) won't last forever.

Maybe there's something here which will be of help:

https://jimhopper.com/topics/mindfulness-and-meditation/
~oOo~     Tat Tvam Asi     ~oOo~    How will you make the world a better place today?     ~oOo~    Fabricate Nothing     ~oOo~

Dharmic Tui

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    • Some Theravada, some secular
Re: revelations about self view
« Reply #3 on: May 17, 2022, 12:13:52 PM »
Ultimately it pays not to view yourself as any one thing.

And whatever may have happened, things may damage or shape you through your life, but they should not have to define you.

I hope you've had a good last few weeks.

 

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