The thing is, people keep encouraging me to practice mindfulness but I am already aware of everything . Just lacking equanimity. I see all the thoughts in my head, and they come, and I’m like fuuuuck this isn’t getting anywhere. It’s just hard to start with very little equanimity. I am looking for love and equanimity.
By being aware I mean I am just aware of the content...
I don’t know if I am learning anything.
Sarahpro, I can see how much you just want to feel better...
And this is not happening, because there are things to be learned. Life is asking something from you.
If you haven't learned anything about your predicament in the last few months that's proof enough that there's a lack of understanding the problem/solution.
About attentionThere is primitive type of attention in threat-like situation: attention is narrowly focussed (on perceived threat), shifts involuntarily (to threat cues). There is low level of present-moment awareness. The focus is on
content of our thoughts. In science this is called bottom-up attention.
The more cognitively complex attention (that allows for skilfull emotion processing) on the other hand shifts flexibly, to the
full range of internal and external inputs, it is more open and inquisitive, ready to learn. It can monitor and guide the
process. This is called top-down attention.
Try to shift away from the content to the process of what is happening. Notice you're having a thought instead of being fused with the content of the thought. Notice what your experience is like, it's more of a bundle of toughts, feelings, physical sensations, memories or associations, there is so much to explore!
For example the thought "fuuuuck this isn’t getting anywhere" is a thought. You can beleive it's content and let fear or despair run free, or you can detach from the thought and choose to look at the process. "I'm having the thought. It's creating arousal. I feel it in my stomach or (wherever you feel it)." etc. This is present moment awareness or mindfulness and (to the degree possible) equanimity. Equanimity doesn't mean absence of unpleasant experiences, it just means you 're able to stay with these experiences without losing your mindfulness. Being at peace with the experience of fear.
Minfulness, acceptance, metta, therapy... all these (and many other) practices aim to shift from bottom-up to top-down attention towards these normal human experiences (like fear or other intense emotion like anger).
About the processBut it is a process and... it... will... take... time!

You will have to do it again and again and again... untill you (your body-mind) learn(s) how to handle these unpleasant internal and external events in a skilfull way.
That's just the way it is. I'm sorry you're suffering, but wishing to find a fix, complaining you're not finding the escape, is just prolong your suffering. Can you see that?
It is hard, but you
can do this work, with your therapist, with the help of meditation or other practices, because we're all doing it... in our own way... feeling, exploring, learning our way out of the suffering.
You're not alone in this, but only you can do this work. The choice is yours. What are you willing to do yourself? Are you willing to stop avoiding and fighting your fear, so you can become familiar with it and learn from it?
Kindly
Alex