Author Topic: Does anyone relate?  (Read 144 times)

Corrupted Catnip

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Does anyone relate?
« on: May 19, 2020, 08:39:55 PM »
So I got in touch with my real shadow, I think. It's something like pure evil but I would rather call it chaos. It made me feel like I was wearing new skin, like I was a demon or something. I wanted to scream and mess something up but I stayed quiet in my room having a panic attack on my bed. I felt like I was dying gasping for each breath while something in my mind was merging with my consciousness, something I utterly hated but loved at the same time. I was able to keep myself from having a seizure but now I feel like two people becoming one. I won't say something supernatural is happening but something is happening and my friends don't understand and I'm tired of being quiet and calm about it but I have to be if I don't want to alert anyone.
"Do you want control over chaos or do you want to let go and give in to it? Which is it? Order or chaos? Choose!" - my brain?

gannuman

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Re: Does anyone relate?
« Reply #1 on: May 19, 2020, 10:29:07 PM »
I call that a demon, borrowing from the catholics. Sometimes they get in our heads and we feed them with fear and negation or we give ourselves to serve them. Don't do that. The way out: Just don't feed it. It doens't have any power over you, other than what you willingly give to it. Don't try to repress it. That gives it momentum. Don't fight it. Don't listen to it. Realize it is not an enemy at all. Notice and move on. If you don't feed it will diminish and eventually become a blip that soon enough you'll forget about. One day it will come back and you'll say "ah it's just that thing, it's nothing", and then he'll leave. If you don't make it big, it will turn infinitesimaly small.

Don't feed fear.

Okay, that is my experience with that sort of thing, so I'll ask you to try that and come back to talk about it so we can be sure it's the kind of thing I think it is and not something else okay?
« Last Edit: May 19, 2020, 10:35:15 PM by gannuman »
Lord of gods, there are two kinds of happiness ... Two kinds of sadness ... Two kinds of equinimity: That which you should cultivate and that which you should not cultivate.

Corrupted Catnip

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Re: Does anyone relate?
« Reply #2 on: May 19, 2020, 10:51:54 PM »
I call that a demon, borrowing from the catholics. Sometimes they get in our heads and we feed them with fear and negation or we give ourselves to serve them. Don't do that. The way out: Just don't feed it. It doens't have any power over you, other than what you willingly give to it. Don't try to repress it. That gives it momentum. Don't fight it. Don't listen to it. Realize it is not an enemy at all. Notice and move on. If you don't feed it will diminish and eventually become a blip that soon enough you'll forget about. One day it will come back and you'll say "ah it's just that thing, it's nothing", and then he'll leave. If you don't make it big, it will turn infinitesimaly small.

Don't feed fear.

Okay, that is my experience with that sort of thing, so I'll ask you to try that and come back to talk about it so we can be sure it's the kind of thing I think it is and not something else okay?
I didn't feed it I just remembered to ground myself. But I don't know if it was a supernatural entity or something. I'm thinking maybe it was kundalini awakening or getting in touch with something I've been unconscious of
"Do you want control over chaos or do you want to let go and give in to it? Which is it? Order or chaos? Choose!" - my brain?

Matthew

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Re: Does anyone relate?
« Reply #3 on: May 20, 2020, 02:01:23 AM »
The ego will play all kinds of tricks on your mind. Just stay with breath and body. Ground yourself. Don't label or over think these experiences, that's just ego at work. Breathe through, feel the body, let go of the thinking. Be mindful, mindless wandering speculation makes such arisings solid, but the truth is they are not, they are ephemeral, and "this too will pass".
~oOo~     Tat Tvam Asi     ~oOo~    How will you make the world a better place today?     ~oOo~    Fabricate Nothing     ~oOo~

Corrupted Catnip

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Re: Does anyone relate?
« Reply #4 on: May 20, 2020, 02:35:30 AM »
The ego will play all kinds of tricks on your mind. Just stay with breath and body. Ground yourself. Don't label or over think these experiences, that's just ego at work. Breathe through, feel the body, let go of the thinking. Be mindful, mindless wandering speculation makes such arisings solid, but the truth is they are not, they are ephemeral, and "this too will pass".
Yeah I mean I'm aware of those principles but like idk I like to make metaphors to explain what I'm feeling. I know it was just a surge of emotions and hallucinations and I did my best to meditate and ground myself while this was happening. It's not like I had total control of myself but I was struggling to stay alive lmao. To give you a bit of perspective, I was seeing images of myself having a heart attack and dying. It was horrifying and I won't pretend it wasn't xD
« Last Edit: May 20, 2020, 02:37:20 AM by Corrupted Catnip »
"Do you want control over chaos or do you want to let go and give in to it? Which is it? Order or chaos? Choose!" - my brain?

Matthew

  • The Irreverent Buddhist
  • Staff
  • Meditation: It's a D.I.Y. project.
    • KISS: Keep it simple stupid.
    • Getting nowhere slowly and enjoying every moment.
Re: Does anyone relate?
« Reply #5 on: May 20, 2020, 04:27:23 AM »
Yeah I mean I'm aware of those principles


These aren't principles, they are practice, they are to be put into practice in your meditation, they are the way through such dark arisings.


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but like idk I like to make metaphors to explain what I'm feeling.


So you think you are going to think your way out of a problem created by thinking?

You won't - it's just ego.

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I know it was just a surge of emotions and hallucinations and I did my best to meditate and ground myself while this was happening. It's not like I had total control of myself


You did your best, yes, that's great. Meditation is like learning to ride a bike, you have to fall off a good few times to learn how not to fall off.

You'll do better as you continue practicing, continue falling off. "It's just a ride".

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but I was struggling to stay alive lmao.


No, you weren't "struggling to stay alive" - that's just the story ego told you, cause ego doesn't really like meditation, so it tries to make things seem worse than they are. It tries to drag your mindfulness away, distract you with fairy tales, or in this case, nightmares.

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To give you a bit of perspective, I was seeing images of myself having a heart attack and dying. It was horrifying and I won't pretend it wasn't xD

Yeah, ego can be an utter pain in the arse. I know. It can present things as horrifying. No point pretending that ego can't horrify if you are starting to take away the illusions and clinging it relies upon for its very continuation. It will pretty much do anything to keep its grip on your psyche.

To give you a bit of perspective, this ain't my fist rodeo, and I understand fully how dark things can seem, yet here we are, alive and well, and chewing this over to see the reality of what was really happening - and that was not you having a heart attack and dying ;)
~oOo~     Tat Tvam Asi     ~oOo~    How will you make the world a better place today?     ~oOo~    Fabricate Nothing     ~oOo~

stillpointdancer

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Re: Does anyone relate?
« Reply #6 on: May 20, 2020, 11:20:35 AM »
So I got in touch with my real shadow, I think. It's something like pure evil but I would rather call it chaos. It made me feel like I was wearing new skin, like I was a demon or something. I wanted to scream and mess something up but I stayed quiet in my room having a panic attack on my bed. I felt like I was dying gasping for each breath while something in my mind was merging with my consciousness, something I utterly hated but loved at the same time. I was able to keep myself from having a seizure but now I feel like two people becoming one. I won't say something supernatural is happening but something is happening and my friends don't understand and I'm tired of being quiet and calm about it but I have to be if I don't want to alert anyone.

Happened to me on a number of occasions. It's just the mind playing tricks as you develop your meditation technique, but if it still bothers you you could try googling different ways to 'protect' yourself. I once tried the 'safe space' meditation where you develop a place you can visualise easily during meditation which you can retreat to. A place where nothing could possibly harm you. One I developed myself during such an 'attack' is to visualise everything turning to white mist which cannot harm you. Eventually you visualise yourself as the white mist too, and the safe visualisation is complete. Other than that, lay off the meditations for a few weeks and go back to them via relaxation meditations.
“You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet, still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.” Franz Kafka

gannuman

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Re: Does anyone relate?
« Reply #7 on: May 20, 2020, 01:46:35 PM »
It is highly recommended that you strengthen your mindfulness. I've been reading "Satipatthana Meditation: A Practice Guide" by Bikkhu Analayo. I highly recommended it for practical instruction. Highly highly, I couldn't give proper instructions as he does. Being aware of the present moment is the path and it will gradually open up the truth of those experiences. Being with what is without manufacturing feelings and opinions about it is very peaceful and a refuge on it's own right If you're not there don't repress feelings and thoughts though, that is not good at all. You just gotta focus on the practice and not overthink it :) Follow along and you'll be alright.
Lord of gods, there are two kinds of happiness ... Two kinds of sadness ... Two kinds of equinimity: That which you should cultivate and that which you should not cultivate.