Hello everybody,
I am very grateful that this forum exists. Thank you to contributors who are selfless in their effort to help people like me become just a little bit happier, and may it return to you ten fold.
I am a sober drug addict. Today marks 61 days clean from drugs and alcohol. Though I have eliminated these negative facets of my life, I feel I need something deeper in order to be happy. I have been in and out of recovery for some years now, and in this time have followed the program-of-action prescribed by the 12 steps. This has provided a degree of awareness as to how my self-centeredness and ego cause most, if not all of my perceived problems.
Though I am developing this awareness, I feel it is not enough, for I do not know how to let go of my ego once I become aware of it. I hope to gain something from the wisdom of the Dharma. I understand the idea of suffering, attachment, and letting go, but I just don't know how to implement these teachings into my life.
Over the past two weeks, I have developed my practice of Vipassana. At first, it started as me just meditating for a few minutes before bed due to all the time I have by myself from COVID-19. I then began to see small benefits, and now my practice involves at least three sessions a day, usually no longer than twenty minutes. I get restless and I am still learning about my posture.
One thing I've learned is just how resentful I really am. I won't go into the specifics of the situation, but I am starting to see how often a specific resentment pops into my mind and disturbs my peace. To let go of this resentment I have been praying for this individual (Part of the 12 steps is developing faith in a "Power greater than myself that I have chosen to call god"), putting myself in this persons shoes, and reflecting on how we are all just trying to find happiness. Despite this, I still see the resentment coming up throughout my days.
Besides this, I am trying to practice Vipassana at least twice a day and not set expectations of bliss and relaxation, but rather simply observe what causes me to break concentration of the breath. As of today, I started doing metta-bhavana (I did a guided meditation that I found on youtube) and I want to start pairing this with my vipassana routine. I am trying to remain present throughout my day, taking time to look at vegetation and admire it's beauty. I have been trying to reflect on the impermanence of everything, but often it feels these reflections are forced. It feels as if I am seeking something and not letting the wisdom come naturally. I am trying to force it, and I know that doesn't work but I feel I just cannot let go.
I try to be selfless toward other recovering addicts by keeping in touch with them and providing counsel and support if necessary. I am also trying to be more in the moment with my family since I live with my parents (I am 20 years old).
I know, it was a lot to read. My question is, what do you suggest for me to do?