Author Topic: Social Life and Vipassana/Dhamma way of living  (Read 667 times)

Chaska

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Social Life and Vipassana/Dhamma way of living
« on: May 28, 2019, 06:20:27 AM »
Namasté brothers and sisters.
I have worries/questions regarding social life. I use to have a very active social life. Working in an office, going to parties, drinking etc. Now that i am not drinking and meditating a lot i sometimes feel weird or different and i have hard time «owning it » I feel a bit ashame sometimes or I feel like I have to find excuses not to seems too boring. Also, every time I have big friends gathering/family reunion it makes me very much tired, like if my energy was drained. Talking about superficial things and staying for hours around food and wines etc is hard for me now. I feel a bit sad or shame about it because it seems like everyone else is enjoying. I know I am changing but I am also a bit afraid. I want to be an example of Vipassana for others and in the same time I am less and less attracted to spend time with friends or family. If you could give me an advice or letting me know what I could do it will be very nice of you.
Metta
My life is a stepping stone for something bigger

stillpointdancer

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Re: Social Life and Vipassana/Dhamma way of living
« Reply #1 on: May 28, 2019, 12:13:50 PM »
Namasté brothers and sisters.
I have worries/questions regarding social life. I use to have a very active social life. Working in an office, going to parties, drinking etc. Now that i am not drinking and meditating a lot i sometimes feel weird or different and i have hard time «owning it » I feel a bit ashame sometimes or I feel like I have to find excuses not to seems too boring. Also, every time I have big friends gathering/family reunion it makes me very much tired, like if my energy was drained. Talking about superficial things and staying for hours around food and wines etc is hard for me now. I feel a bit sad or shame about it because it seems like everyone else is enjoying. I know I am changing but I am also a bit afraid. I want to be an example of Vipassana for others and in the same time I am less and less attracted to spend time with friends or family. If you could give me an advice or letting me know what I could do it will be very nice of you.
Metta

Yep. Happened to me. Everything has a price, even meditation. I found that I could no longer enjoy going out with friends and getting drunk. I began to value my meditation experiences with a healthy body, which only returned a few days after going out. Giving up meditation didn't help as the quality of my life seemed to nosedive when I did that, so in the end decided that I gained more than I lost. Eventually I came to terms with still seeing people, but it was never the same as before. There should be a warning before people start meditating that it really does work and that you wont be the same person afterwards. Which is why I never try to 'push' people I know into meditating.
“You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet, still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.” Franz Kafka

Chaska

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Re: Social Life and Vipassana/Dhamma way of living
« Reply #2 on: May 29, 2019, 06:03:10 PM »
Thanks !
I also find out that one of the key not to feel Like and outsider is not to look down on people feeling that by meditating we reach a certain stage while they have not. I use to do it unintentionally and once I realized it helped me a lot.
My life is a stepping stone for something bigger

stillpointdancer

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Re: Social Life and Vipassana/Dhamma way of living
« Reply #3 on: May 30, 2019, 11:06:23 AM »
I should also have said that it's a price well worth paying, at least for me. What I've gained is far in excess of what I've lost.

I don't think there are any stages as such. We continually change and will continue to change but the change is often so gradual that we don't notice. The only people who do are those around us who pay attention to things and see changes for themselves. There are some who don't like change so will not like what you have become.
“You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet, still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.” Franz Kafka

dharma bum

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Re: Social Life and Vipassana/Dhamma way of living
« Reply #4 on: May 31, 2019, 06:37:53 AM »
For me, it was the other way around. I used to be very introverted, preferring my own company, but meditation has helped me discover that I like people. While I still don't do a lot of socializing, I am more at peace now wherever I am, with people or by myself.
Mostly ignorant

Thanisaro85

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Re: Social Life and Vipassana/Dhamma way of living
« Reply #5 on: June 03, 2019, 11:12:51 AM »
Namasté brothers and sisters.
I have worries/questions regarding social life. I use to have a very active social life. Working in an office, going to parties, drinking etc. Now that i am not drinking and meditating a lot i sometimes feel weird or different and i have hard time «owning it » I feel a bit ashame sometimes or I feel like I have to find excuses not to seems too boring. Also, every time I have big friends gathering/family reunion it makes me very much tired, like if my energy was drained. Talking about superficial things and staying for hours around food and wines etc is hard for me now. I feel a bit sad or shame about it because it seems like everyone else is enjoying. I know I am changing but I am also a bit afraid. I want to be an example of Vipassana for others and in the same time I am less and less attracted to spend time with friends or family. If you could give me an advice or letting me know what I could do it will be very nice of you.
Metta

I am not sure if you do meditation with regards to buddhism? If so, avoiding drinking(alcohol) is one of the precept to observe. So, congrat for keeping the precepts.

You can still join your friends and family for gathering, but omit drinking alcohol at all, say you dont like the feeling head heavy next day which is true, or the irritation of the stomach. There is no need to distance yourself from people.

There is no also need to mentally or physically declaring to others or yourself you are practising meditation. Meditation is to be aware of your inner self( thought, feeling, sensation) in an extended time. All people are mindful in sometimes of a day, while meditation are to put in more effort and time to take note of the 3 in a day, to identify them whether they are good/bad, and making sure no wrong thoughts, speech or action is delivered. That is the most fundamental of meditation.

If one think that he/she is different from other human beings because they had practise meditation, then something might be off. Probably rise of ego, or wrong understanding of vipassana meditation.

When your family/friends talk about superficial things and you find it boring, did you "acknowledge" "boring" and "let it go" like the practice?  Boring is a form of suffering isnt it? How  does your meditation helps in that? That is some best time to meditate too :).

If you can't exhibit peace and calmness to your friend/family while with them, how do you influence them? Excluding or isolation yourself doesn't tell them that vipassana meditation is good,  rather, it may make them think you had become unapproachable. :)
A Mind Unshaken, when touches by worldy matter, sorrowless, secure and dustless, this is the ultimate great blessing~ Mangala Sutta

Chaska

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Re: Social Life and Vipassana/Dhamma way of living
« Reply #6 on: June 11, 2019, 08:28:57 AM »
Wow amazing thank you so much for your answer it will help me a lot as I am going to have many friends’ wedding parties this summer.

I totally agree with you, it is my ego saying “you worth better than this conversations etc” which is great to acknowledge.
I also love your definition of meditation regarding others (everyone is mindful we just take time to focus simultaneously on the 3: thought, feeling, sensation). It helps to redefine the idea of meditation I might have. Being sometimes caught up into transforming Vipassana into my own sect. So thanks again.

I will try to be calm and gentle during this time and recognize my agitation about wanting to leave or complaining mentally instead of waiting to be on my meditation cushion to feel the waves of anger.

Much metta
My life is a stepping stone for something bigger

Mert

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Re: Social Life and Vipassana/Dhamma way of living
« Reply #7 on: June 11, 2019, 09:47:02 PM »
People with ego, even if it's your family, are tiring to be around. Communicating ego, especially with people you love, is something disheartening.

stillpointdancer

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Re: Social Life and Vipassana/Dhamma way of living
« Reply #8 on: June 12, 2019, 09:15:03 AM »
On the other hand the best measure of how far you have developed is when you are out and about with people who do not meditate. We can all get on well with people who think and behave in ways we identify with, but the true test is how you interact with everyone else.
“You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet, still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.” Franz Kafka

mobius

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Re: Social Life and Vipassana/Dhamma way of living
« Reply #9 on: June 12, 2019, 11:59:58 PM »
sorry if this is sort of a meaningless post, but I just want to say, once again, I've been humbled by reading others comments here. It made me realize things I'm doing wrong, and problems within myself.
Thanks for sharing!  :)
"Not knowing how near the truth is, we seek it far away."
-Hakuin Ekaku

"I have seen a heap of trouble in my life, and most of it has never come to pass" - Mark Twain

Stroaem

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Re: Social Life and Vipassana/Dhamma way of living
« Reply #10 on: October 11, 2019, 10:43:21 AM »
 I still enjoy spending time with my friends, but not as much as I did. I hope I won't lose this feeling of joy when I  get to see them. My best friend is throwing a wedding party here soon, at least it's going to be outdoors. I don't like rooms with no air and too many people.

Siddharth

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Re: Social Life and Vipassana/Dhamma way of living
« Reply #11 on: October 14, 2019, 05:20:42 PM »
On the other hand the best measure of how far you have developed is when you are out and about with people who do not meditate. We can all get on well with people who think and behave in ways we identify with, but the true test is how you interact with everyone else.

I have had some strugles here. As someone pointed on this forum, at some point we relearn how to communicate with others (gradual process) and that helps.
And what is good, Phædrus,
And what is not good...
Need we ask anyone to tell us these things?

stillpointdancer

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Re: Social Life and Vipassana/Dhamma way of living
« Reply #12 on: October 15, 2019, 11:53:49 AM »
On the other hand the best measure of how far you have developed is when you are out and about with people who do not meditate. We can all get on well with people who think and behave in ways we identify with, but the true test is how you interact with everyone else.

I have had some strugles here. As someone pointed on this forum, at some point we relearn how to communicate with others (gradual process) and that helps.
There are times when I do nothing but struggle when out and about with people. I try not to get too angry with myself when I lapse but use the occasion to remind myself why I practice
“You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet, still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.” Franz Kafka

raushan

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Re: Social Life and Vipassana/Dhamma way of living
« Reply #13 on: October 15, 2019, 12:08:48 PM »
I feel having too many frineds show that you are not too serious in life. In any endeavour whther it's meditation, science or business if you are too ambitious people try to drag you down whether it's your friends or it can be your own family.

I feel anyone who has been truly serious in their endeavour had to walk alone. Buddha walked alone, Einstein was alone, Mozart was alone.

Having many friends, I agree in general you will laugh more, will enjoy social life but that comes with cost. You will stay mediocre.

dharma bum

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Re: Social Life and Vipassana/Dhamma way of living
« Reply #14 on: October 16, 2019, 01:07:53 PM »
I used to get embarrassed easily, so I would avoid situations in which there would be a possibility of embarrassment. Partly on account of age and partly by working towards it as part of meditation, I have been able to reduce my fears. You observe your fears and anxieties and realize they arise and fall, and really no one cares, least of all, you yourself.
Mostly ignorant

Just A Simple Guy

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Re: Social Life and Vipassana/Dhamma way of living
« Reply #15 on: October 17, 2019, 12:27:13 AM »
I agree with SPD in being wary of suggesting meditation to people near me.

Oh yeah, couldn't agree more. I learned the hard way. Not that anyone I know has taken it up seriously, but I get the sense some feel it's some kind of attack on their spirituality even though I presented it in a non-secular fashion. So I don't do it any longer. I mostly even refrain from discussing my practice.

There's also the possibility of mental health challenges and the possibility of suppressed memories and emotions being dredged up or the chance some of the more compulsive people I know might dive in too quickly and deeply and attend a retreat when they're not ready. I've heard stories about that, and even read some of those posts on this forum.

“Research your own experience. Absorb what is useful, reject what is useless, add what is essentially your own.” ~ Bruce Lee

raushan

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Re: Social Life and Vipassana/Dhamma way of living
« Reply #16 on: October 17, 2019, 01:54:14 PM »
There was some issue with the software. I think 1-2 posts might have got deleted from this thread. Sorry for that.

raushan

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Re: Social Life and Vipassana/Dhamma way of living
« Reply #17 on: October 17, 2019, 01:56:15 PM »

I agree with Siddharth's other post, which might have got affected.

Mediocrity I meant in different sense. I don't want to be judgemental. Everyone has their own hardships to do. For a disabled person just walking would be big achievement. For some person with mental disability just completing the education with passing grades would be an achievement.
For an introvert socializing will be an achievement.


Thanks.