My bizzare experiences meditating

[mobius]

Sorry for a very long post but I went to get details correct as possible as I've not yet read about exactly my situation;

I started meditating several weeks ago. I used no specific religious method. I began by sitting cross legged, close my eyes and focus on my breathing. I did this for about 10-15 minutes per day after work (so afternoon/late afternoon) and I believe it helped me relax and calmed me down quite a bit. But nothing sensational was happening. Still I was enjoying it so I continued.

Then after a few weeks I tried a different technique; I kept my eyes open and stared at an object. Within only a minute or two I realized something bizarre was happening! It is always very slow and gradual. But using this method I can on demand bring forth what I can only describe as an altered state of consciousness. It is very difficult (maybe impossible) to describe. My body becomes very still (but not paralyzed) Whatever I'm looking at changes color; and everything in short, looks weird. My breathing becomes noticeably slower/quieter. I think my body temperature also drops a little bit.
I've done this about 5-7 times now. Sometimes I've closed my eyes after this then begins another sensation;

When this happens (again it's very gradual) my arms and legs but also the floor and things around me (whether I'm looking at them or just imagining them with my eyes closed feel like they are growing farther away from me or getting smaller.
Then, the opposite happens and my everything feels like they are very close to me and large.
Another way to put it is it feels like my mind or my mental image is growing smaller or somehow removed from my environment, then bigger and closer to it.
It's also important to note that not only my arms and legs or any actual physical object; but my imagination is effected as well. If I imagine to myself, an apple for instance, it seems too large and unrealistic or too close or too far away from me. I don't seem to have a full control over how I imagine things in my mind at this point.
This feeling grows and becomes more and more intense if I keep meditating. (It vanishes very quickly if I open my eyes and get up).
The further along the more difficult it is to describe. As it gets more powerful it feels overwhelming and scary. The only reason I feel remotely comfortable with this is because I've experienced it several times now and am learning to deal with it, but it still frightens me every time.
As the feeling grows further still it feels like I'm falling or being enveloped into something else. Once it felt like while everything in my mind still felt totally out of whack in size and location, there began an intense pulling sensation mixed with falling and lifting sensation simultaneously. It feels like my body or mind is both sinking and rising up or being pulled apart or stretched by both ends. Usually by this point I have to stop out of fear/discomfort or it's just been so long I decide it's time to stop. (it takes maybe 20 minutes to get to this point). The farthest I went I was filled with both fear but also joyful curiosity.

Now an important aside: this is not the first I've had this sensation (while meditating that is). This very sensation I first had as a very young child. In fact I've had it several times as a child and still have/had it occasionally but not nearly as often as when I was a kid. It starts when I lie down in bed to go to sleep sometimes, it seems to just start happening for no apparent reason. Until I've started meditating, I didn't like this sensation at all and thought it was just some weird optical illusion in my head so I'd always get out of bed and turn the lights on to make it go away.

While I'm not sure if this was the very first time; it happened memorably when I was around 4 or 5 years old; I had the flu and I had a very high fever. So high in fact that my parents took me to the doctor right away but it had lowered by the time we got there so I didn't need to go to the hospital. I don't remember how long I was sick but I can distinctly remember the sensation a few times I think, and having it in bed one particular night (while having a bad fever). I believe I called to my parents in fear; they turned on the lights and it went away but not immediately. I probably tried explaining what I felt but I doubt if they understood or even would remember this. According to them I also slept walked and had severely bad dreams during this sickness. I've never slept walked since that.

Since then this scenario (as I described above) occurs very rarely, maybe once a year or less, seemingly randomly in bed before I go to sleep. Until now, I had no idea what this was or why it was happening. I searched online for it but never found anything useful. I am aware of the ego-dissolution and out of body experiences, which I've read can occasionally happen with meditation. I would not exactly describe this as something like that. Although it could be that I've not taken it far enough to realize that yet.
The sensation is not painful, but it isn't pleasant either. It's both exhilarating and terrifying. I feel like this may "lead" somewhere but I haven't gotten there yet.

Now I've meditated in this way just several times (for about 1 week) and I've noticed a few things:
First, the first few times I was filled with a deep sense of calmness and peace. I've laughed to myself sometimes even though I was scared.

I've also had some weird dreams. It could be a coincidence but I think my dreams have been noticeably different then before (but I haven't remembered any real well yet. I have remembered quite a few of my ordinary dreams from the past).

I woke up one morning with an odd feeling. I can't really describe it; only to say that I felt like I was changing. I thought, maybe this meditation was working but I don't exactly know how. I noticed the same oddness while driving on my way to work but it faded. Random things sort of "poped out" at me, like lights on the dashboard and signs along the road.
Also it may be purely coincidence but I've had several headaches the past few days when I did the most intense meditation. And sometimes, especially after doing the intense meditation my eyes feel weird and I almost have a feeling like I'm afraid I'm going to accidentally slip  back into that state without wanting to.

I eased back on the 'intense' meditation however, because twice now I had a disturbing episode. Both while *not* meditating, once when I woke up in the middle of the night, and second while I was at work, minding my own business. Both times were very brief but I had a sudden and intense fear or anxiety so strong I felt like I was losing my mind. And I was afraid I was going to have a nervous breakdown or something. I don't know why it happened, I was not really thinking about anything in particular both times. It wasn't a very articulate emotion with much logical cause.  I don't think I've ever had anything like this until now. I've been depressed in the past especially when I was a teenager, but these episodes were different and weird. I feel strange and I've questioned my sanity a few times. But I don't think I have any real serious mental problems, I've never been diagnosed with anything anyway. I'm not sure but I believe I may have had Asperger's Syndrome when I was a child (Because I had almost all the symptoms). I was never treated and I've mostly grown out of them. I'm much more socially able then I was as a teenager.

I don't know what's going on and despite reading that supposedly meditation has no negative effects I feel afraid I might drive myself insane or something. Maybe I'm not ready to handle this strong meditation yet? Or am I doing something wrong? Or is this all just normal and I'm being paranoid or over thinking it?
I read that lack of sleep could be a problem; I get up pretty early for my job and tend to be tired a lot. I don't always get to bed when I should and I always pay for that.

Over thinking, fear and anxiety are big problems of mine for years and it's one of the reasons I started meditating; to improve/get rid of them (if possible). I'm still meditating, but I'm trying to take it very slowly. I don't want to give up. But this is (as I said in my intro post) much more serious and bizarre then I anticipated going in.

[dharma bum]

i'm not an expert so please consider my suggestions as no more than suggestions.

i'd get more sleep. given a choice between meditation and sleep, i'd pick sleep any time if i'm sleep-deprived. HH the dalai lama in fact said something to the effect that sleep is the best meditation. lack of sufficient sleep makes us anxious and fearful.

i'd not do the meditation techniques that precipitate anxiety and stress especially as you seem to be able to do breathing meditation. IMHO, all the different sensations you describe are not unusual during meditation. it's just the brain responding to the change in what is fed to it.

[dharma bum]

Mobius, sorry, i'd also suggest that you work with an experienced teacher.

[stillpointdancer]

Mobius. Dharma bum has some good advice. Personally, I'd give meditation a miss for a few weeks and see whether it is the lack of sleep having an effect, or whether it was the meditation. People react in different ways to different meditations, and not all of them good, so if you return to meditation without a teacher you need to do it gradually and in the knowledge that you can have these reactions. Maybe restart with five minutes of relaxation meditation, building up to an additional five minutes of mindfulness of breathing.

If the effects come back, then have another break from meditation, and even think about whether meditation is for you at this point in your life.

[mobius]

thank you for the replies and advice.

I agree I think I simply got into too quickly/too much. Especially since I wasn't quite prepared for it. I don't want to quit though or give up. I will take my time and ease into it gradually. Doing a little bit day by day. If it really is only negative I'll have to stop. But I think this could be ultimately beneficial...

A thought I had was: maybe this fear/anxiety are things that were bottled up inside me coming out due to meditation.

[stillpointdancer]

A thought I had was: maybe this fear/anxiety are things that were bottled up inside me coming out due to meditation.

Yes, meditation has that effect too, which is why most people advise learning to meditate with a group who can give guidance when things go 'wrong'.

[mobius]

A thought I had was: maybe this fear/anxiety are things that were bottled up inside me coming out due to meditation.

Yes, meditation has that effect too, which is why most people advise learning to meditate with a group who can give guidance when things go 'wrong'.

In that case, it kind of makes me more determined to go on. In a way, I'm glad those things happened to me then. Keeping emotions bottled up inside is bad, and they need to come out. Even if it's difficult, I want to do it to improve myself.

-----

Today I meditated closed-eyed.
After a while, once I entered the 'zone' there were/was a large spot in front of my eyelids, pulsating and burning like the sun. Then my body felt like it was spinning counterclockwise horizontally at a constant speed. I had REM as well, thought this isn't bothering me as much now. As before if I opened my eyes the feeling instantly goes away.  I wasn't feeling motion sick at all (which makes sense, since my physical body wasn't actually spinning...)
The feeling was sort of magical and (like before) kind of filled me with delight.

Idk if this is a coincidence or not but I've noticed the past week since I've been meditating like this I've been extremely tired in the late evening. (I was often though since long before I've meditated. But this specific fatigue it seems to come and go for weeks at a time.)
I fell asleep in front of the TV after this tonight and when I woke up an hour later forgetting where I was, when, what time it was or day it was. I got paranoid for a moment thinking I slept through a whole night or something. I felt very weird. Again, I think this was mostly just my own fear overacting.

[dharma bum]

Idk if this is a coincidence or not but I've noticed the past week since I've been meditating like this I've been extremely tired in the late evening. (I was often though since long before I've meditated. But this specific fatigue it seems to come and go for weeks at a time.)

it might be the case that meditation makes you calm down and that's when you realize how tired you are. that's what happens to me quite often. many times, we are in a frenzy of activity, jumping from one thing to another and we don't realize we need rest/sleep.

[mobius]

Idk if this is a coincidence or not but I've noticed the past week since I've been meditating like this I've been extremely tired in the late evening. (I was often though since long before I've meditated. But this specific fatigue it seems to come and go for weeks at a time.)

it might be the case that meditation makes you calm down and that's when you realize how tired you are. that's what happens to me quite often. many times, we are in a frenzy of activity, jumping from one thing to another and we don't realize we need rest/sleep.

excellent point... I think that is exactly what was happening to me.

I'm getting less afraid of meditating now. I was able to do it this morning with less anxiety before and during. This morning there was a moment or moments when it felt like my mind was on the floor... like you know how even with your eyes closed you can imagine or ask yourself; what does my room look like; , and you see it as you would if my eyes were open. When I thought about this it was as if I was looking from the vantage point of my feet. Then my mind felt very far away, everything was blackness and there was nothing to to have any kind of reference but I felt distinctly far away from... my body? maybe?

I read somewhere someone saying something like "Westerners are in the heads too much, they need to get their minds out of their heads and into their bodies..." I don't understand that, or how to interpret it but maybe this has something to do with it?

Idk what the hell is going on; this is breaking the rational scientific side of me

[dharma bum]

Mobius, i'm so glad you're feeling less anxious. one of the most fascinating aspects of meditation to me is the insight one gets in the working of the brain from a scientific point of view. our dreams or visions are never random or arbitrary. they are the result of memories we have stored in our brains - sounds, images, narratives, fantasies. even when we jump from one thing to another in our thoughts, the jumps are not random. usually there is a connection between one thought to another.

I read somewhere someone saying something like "Westerners are in the heads too much, they need to get their minds out of their heads and into their bodies..." I don't understand that, or how to interpret it but maybe this has something to do with it?

i don't really know. i don't know if there is all that much difference between western minds and eastern minds. i do know that people in the east are more accepting/fatalistic which can be a good thing or a bad thing.

[stillpointdancer]

I read somewhere someone saying something like "Westerners are in the heads too much, they need to get their minds out of their heads and into their bodies..." I don't understand that, or how to interpret it but maybe this has something to do with it?

Idk what the hell is going on; this is breaking the rational scientific side of me

I think that many of us don't realise how disconnected we can get from our bodies until we sit in meditation and bring our awareness to them. Even something as simple as 'checking in' with different parts of the body to see how tense or relaxed they are can have an effect. A more advanced practice is considering each part and its function, and how it relates to the cerebral 'you'.

[mobius]

today I tried some open eye focus until I saw greyness. I want to keep trying at open eye but it's hard to keep my eyes open for that long so I almost always close them after a while. When I closed them today there was the imprint/image of a large boxy orange thing still for a long while. Then I felt myself going into the zone. I looked down a little bit then I think I opened my eyes very briefly and saw my legs. Then their image was imprinted on my eyelids and it kept rising upwards and twisting around.
Then I began the spinning illusion again. I have a theory about this now;

when I experience REM during meditation (as I did on this occasion), I can notice it even when I open my eyes just a crack and I can see my vision literally vibrating back and forth.
With my eyes closed I think this may be creating an illusion in my brain telling me that there's movement going on when there isn't any. Sometimes it just feels like oscillation, but then depending on how I react, what I think or moving a hand slightly or etc it can change and begin to feel like I'm spinning around.

This effect is distinctly different from the other one I described. I've never had the two at the same time. This one is far easier to handle and not as disturbing. It was actually quite fun the first time.

The other effect is more fascinating and mysterious but likewise, more unnerving, and getting that to happen is difficult. I have no idea what really triggers it as of yet.

I think I already mentioned this but I'm 100% certain now that open eye meditation makes my eyes and head hurt afterward. Is this normal? It's a bummer because I feel like that's not good and I shouldn't be doing it. But I want to...

[mobius]

I have finally found a partial answer to my experiences!!!!!!!!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alice_in_Wonderland_syndrome#Diagnosis

there is no doubt exactly what I'm experiencing during my meditations!
Everything else fits! I had it as a child and it often came before sleep.

I'm relieved to finally find an answer... but I'm also a little bummed. As it seems I wasn't experiencing any kind of new view of my self or making any real 'progress' like I thought I was. If anything this is going to be an obstacle for me. Because when it happens, it's quite distracting. How am I to meditate successfully if this frequently happens? Admittedly it doesn't always happen; in fact it's been several days since it has. When it does happen it's not as frightening anymore; but I think when it happens I'm not getting the full benefits of meditation.
For example, I only experienced the deep sense of calm and happiness during times when it *didn't* happen.

[Laurent]

Good find 

In the french article of Wiki it is specified:

"Causes

La cause principale de ce syndrome est la migraine, notamment chez l'enfant.
Une autre cause est une infection par le virus d'Epstein-Barr (EBV) ou virus de l’herpès 4 (HHV-4) résultant en une mononucléose infectieuse à tel point qu'un auteur considère que « tous les patients présentant un tableau clinique compatible avec un syndrome d’Alice au pays des merveilles devraient faire l'objet d'un dépistage sérologique du virus d'Epstein-Barr. "

Google Trad:

"The main cause of this syndrome is migraine, especially in children.
Another cause is an infection with Epstein-Barr virus (EBV) or herpes virus 4 (HHV-4) resulting in infectious mononucleosis to such an extent that an author considers that "all patients presenting a table clinic compatible with Alice in Wonderland syndrome should be serologically screened for Epstein-Barr virus"

Regards.

[Siddharth]

.. it seems I wasn't experiencing any kind of new view of my self or making any real 'progress' like I thought I was. If anything this is going to be an obstacle for me. Because when it happens, it's quite distracting..

The fact that you have a diagnosis is some "progress".
Do not fret about things that are not in our control...a lot of things, perhaps all things as we perceive are transitional.
Do what you can from where you are..
a few minutes is better than 0.
a distracted meditation is better than no meditation.
I know about people with terminal cancer, in deep physical and emotional pain, doing what they could from where they were...some were "more at peace" .

Hope you stride on the path. It is more difficult at some times, and more difficult in general for some of us, but trust the law of averages.

[mobius]

I decided to take the advice here and take a break from meditation for a little while and see what happens.

Last night was a terrible night; I could not sleep until 2-3:00 AM. For some reason instead of falling asleep I kept falling into a meditative state and having hallucinations. It was making me anxious because I was extremely tired and wanted/needed to sleep, not meditate. Then at one point when I felt like I was drifting into sleep something happened; and I really don't know what it was. I mightn't been drifting into some altered mental state or something else, I can't even begin to explain it; its even harder to describe than the Alice and Wonderland's Syndrome. But it shocked the hell out of me, I became totally alert and sat up in bed and my heart was racing. The weird thing is I don't even know why or what was going on at all. There was nothing in my mind but blackness, I wasn't thinking about anything in particular. But I do know I was severely sleep deprived, which is not good. Lack of sleep can make you go insane, supposedly and that's what feels like is happening to me. I'm going to get more sleep than usual from now on. Maybe even take naps during the day which I don't often do.

I've had this feeling now several times, only really since I started meditating. It's always very brief but the only way I can think to describe it is that I feel like I'm losing control of my mind. This can't be a good thing right? Is this normal with meditation? Is this what ego dissolution feels like? I didn't even meditate for very long or very deeply that day.

I'm fairly certain now that whatever I was doing before wasn't the best type of meditation as I was focusing on this AIWS thinking that was a positive part of it, but turns out it was likely not. So I'll try some different things, if/when I come back to it. I'm hoping that if I get into a better sleep routine and become healthier I can come back to it later and be happy/successful with it, instead of all this insanity.

[John006]

Concentration meditation includes concentrating on a fixed point. This could involve following the breath, rehashing a single word or mantra, starting at a candle flame, tuning in to a repetitive gong, or counting beads on a mala. Since focusing the mind is testing, an amateur may ponder for just a couple of minutes and after that work up to longer terms.
In this type of meditation, you just refocus your mindfulness on the picked protest of attention each time you see your mind wandering. Instead of seeking after arbitrary thoughts, you basically let them go. Through this procedure, your capacity to think moves forward.

[mobius]

Even if I don't get any response I figured I'd give an update for others like me or those curious;

It was June/July when I started meditating regularly. As I mentioned above I started getting headaches when I moved away from Samatha to staring object and other types.
I've since stopped meditating entirely. While I don't think meditation directly caused this I think I might have accidentally precipitating and exiting condition/syndrome in me and now I'm stuck dealing with this...

I've gotten extremely sick for a couple of days, on and off. I saw a doctor and was diagnosed with migraines and vertigo. I've tried a medication but it's not terribly helpful. I'm trying to get more sleep and be healthier but it doesn't seem to be working. Since July now I've had almost a continual headahce which seems to be getting worse.

I mentioned in another thread I had trouble sleeping and was hallucinating at night. This problem got better and pretty much went away when I stopped meditating deeply and it seems hallucinations are common with migraines. I was practicing samatha after that up until a few weeks ago when I started getting really sick. It is possible these are not related actually since this really started after I got vertigo really badly after being at the dentist.
But along with this and the migraines I'm also having brief psycho-weirdness episodes where I feel like my perception is getting messed up or my consciousness is being altered. If it persists, I'm going to see a neurologist. Like I said before; it's cool if it happens when you want it to, intentionally during meditation, not cool if you're trying to do your job and it happens.

Right now I just want relief. I can endure pain, I do often, but this is weirder and harder to describe. Is there a better way of handling this (until I get physical help that is)? What I mean is how should I be handling my worry and pain? I don't feel like I'm handling it very well atm and I'm afraid to meditate right now as this is what started all this. Someone here said meditation can help you endure pain better...

I've also read on here people who's experienced similar things and the explanation is they had partial 'kundalini' emergence or something and the problem was unfinished meditation practice. Even if this is true and the case with me; I'm not confident to continue what I started; I don't think I'm ready to handle that right now.

[mobius]

After almost a year of meditation I can say I've figured a few things out (I think) and while it's been a rocky road, and I no doubt have a long way to go; I think I'm in a better place than I was.
I'm aware the first recommendation was for me to find a guide or someone to personally help me; but there is no such person in my area (Save for friends who also meditated or are interested in such things). So I've been reading and listening to meditation guides on youtube; and after some research I've found several that have been very helpful actually.

A year ago I posted about some of the bizarre perceptual experiences I had; headaches and other problems when I started meditating. All of that has mostly been mitigated at this point. My migraines have improved, I haven't really had one in a while. My vertigo is better though I still have it occasionally; unfortunately after wasting several hundred dollars on doctors I never got an answer to that. But I'm doing better overall. I'm also pretty confident that all the strange perceptual phenomenon, while may have meaning and/or value (at least in letting me know about health problems I may have) it is NOT part of the 'spiritual path' as it were. And it's not ego dissolution. Although those things were all very interesting I wasn't feeling well at that time; I'm not certain if it was solely due to my meditation techniques or something else. I had been meditating by focusing on a single point visually or closing my eyes and 'staring into the void' as I called it and letting myself go into a trance. My body felt different; my breathing became light and most of the time it was comfortable except when the 'Alice in Wonderland' phenomenon happened; which was sometimes fascinating but always frightening. But my sleeping/dreaming changed, sometimes in uncomfortable ways; I was beginning to feel emotionally unstable and a little insane actually, not in a good way.

So I switched to doing a simpler meditation; just simple mindfulness with eyes closed most of the time, focusing on breath. For many months nothing really (seemed) to happen, but it was peaceful. I believe if nothing else it has helped my physically; I feel better overall. But subtle changes have happened mentally as well. I've said before that I notice quicker for example when I get needlessly angry at things.

However, once during when I first started and I was having sleeping problems (like hallucinations keeping me awake) for a very brief moment, my consciousness very suddenly and unexpectedly shifted. I don't know why this happened exactly, at that particular point in time, but it was very shocking and left it's mark on me. I believe this may have been an ego dissolution or something similar to it. As scary as it was; this is partly what drove me to keep meditating.

So now, almost a year later when I've finally developed a healthy routine which doesn't instigate instigate health problems or drive me crazy; I think I am beginning to develop a way to actually 'get it', to turn off the ego on demand. I haven't actually gone whole hog yet as it's still pretty scary for me, partly because of my early experiences. But I also feel like 'baby steps' isn't a bad approach. If I meditate with my eyes open; focusing on nothing, just letting my eyes settle into the whole feild of view, the Zen style essentially; I can get things moving pretty quickly. This was incredibly difficult for me btw; at first I found focusing my eyes on 'the whole feild of view' actually impossible. I'm still not sure I get it but I understand something of what's going on at least and I'm feeling effects so I'm going with it for now. But unlike before; I'm not going to throw caution to the wind and do this for long periods of time or immediately 'dive into the deep end' so to speak.
Anyways; usually I close my eyes and do breathing mindfulness for a few minutes, then open them and do the zen style. Sometimes I even move a little; look around. I intentionally try to look and just observe without commenting on what I see. I can confirm what I've read from some people saying things like 'a habit or practice of mindfulness gives you momentum'. I don't think this would've been possible for me months ago. Once my mind starts get quiet it gets harder to *think*. By think here I mean either get carried away by thought or just let the stream of thoughts emerge. I guess it depends on how you look at it. IMO; it's definitely feeling like the stream is stopping. But it really does feel like I am disappearing. It feels... eerie in a way; on the inside. Everything in the world is exactly the same; it's me who's changing. I can feel what I can only describe as a change of blood flow perhaps in my head; a slight pressure or some kind of odd feeling in the head. Everything is different... yet everything is exactly the same... It's like all my life I'm watching a TV screen and everything that happens is on the TV. Now for just the briefest of moments; I'm stepping back from the TV and getting a look at something else? I don't know what...
I've only let it happen for a few seconds if that then I stir to 'snap back to reality' mostly out of fear as I said. At this point however; I must take certain effort to 'think'. Like it takes a moment for my internal voice to come back. I think and slowly out of quietness my thoughts come back with something like "I'm still here." But it's odd at first; it sounds strange; almost new.
While this feeling is so new and novel at the same time it seems somehow familiar; again just like I've read about... It's the damnedest thing!

So I guess at this point what I'd like to know is what I should do now? Most of what I read says this is the right direction and I should keep going. For those long time meditators out there; is this what you go through every single meditation? Always in this state; and deeper? Or are you in this state all day long 24/7? Does what I'm describing here make any sense at all; and really how it should be?

The biggest thing I'm worried about right now is still my sleep. As I still hallucinate a little bit every night and for a while it was okay but now since this has happened that seems to be a little worse again, I'm not sure why.

[stillpointdancer]

By think here I mean either get carried away by thought or just let the stream of thoughts emerge. I guess it depends on how you look at it. IMO; it's definitely feeling like the stream is stopping. But it really does feel like I am disappearing. It feels... eerie in a way; on the inside. Everything in the world is exactly the same; it's me who's changing. I can feel what I can only describe as a change of blood flow perhaps in my head; a slight pressure or some kind of odd feeling in the head. Everything is different... yet everything is exactly the same... It's like all my life I'm watching a TV screen and everything that happens is on the TV. Now for just the briefest of moments; I'm stepping back from the TV and getting a look at something else? I don't know what...
I've only let it happen for a few seconds if that then I stir to 'snap back to reality' mostly out of fear as I said. At this point however; I must take certain effort to 'think'. Like it takes a moment for my internal voice to come back. I think and slowly out of quietness my thoughts come back with something like "I'm still here." But it's odd at first; it sounds strange; almost new.
While this feeling is so new and novel at the same time it seems somehow familiar; again just like I've read about... It's the damnedest thing!

So I guess at this point what I'd like to know is what I should do now? Most of what I read says this is the right direction and I should keep going. For those long time meditators out there; is this what you go through every single meditation? Always in this state; and deeper? Or are you in this state all day long 24/7? Does what I'm describing here make any sense at all; and really how it should be?

The biggest thing I'm worried about right now is still my sleep. As I still hallucinate a little bit every night and for a while it was okay but now since this has happened that seems to be a little worse again, I'm not sure why.

The sleep thing is worrying. I would suggest that you try some relaxation meditations, there are plenty out there, to make sure you are relaxed and not looking for anything else. As to your current meditation there are two, contradictory, things that come to mind. One is that you are fighting letting go. It happened to me a few times when it feels like something else is taking over and you start to panic. I have a suspicion that it is the conscious/autonomic breathing systems which become confused, and that you become aware of your body doing things you would not otherwise be aware of. You merely have to take the final step in letting go and trust what you are doing.

The other is to experiment with different meditations. rather than just emptying your mind it might help to do, say, a course in visualisation practice. Again there are many such practices out there and its a matter of trying a few until you find one that is suitable for your current state of meditation. The practice you describe is pretty advanced stuff. In some ways the simpler the practice the harder it is to stay with it. It was many years before I could just sit and let go rather than follow a course of meditation designed to concentrate on mindfulness or metta or whatever.

[mobius]

Thanks. This makes a lot of sense. I definitely have found the simpler practice more difficult to stick with and yet in the end gave me far less problems; and I suspect has been better for me in the long run. At least on a moral/intellectual level I feel it's helped me. I've tried visualization a few times and several other types. Every type seems to have a very distinct different effect on me.

With the sleep; not sure if I mentioned this before but I've kind of had minor sleep issues all my life. I've always been a light sleeper and had trouble falling asleep. It sometimes takes me almost an hour to fall asleep. I keep my door closed at night so it's dark and quiet and even little lights like from a cell phone or computer bug me and keep me awake sometimes. Hmm maybe something meditation could help me work on?? But I tried this somewhat months ago and didn't seem to help... I could meditate fine in bed but it never brought on sleep; in fact seemed to do the opposite.

I also think the hallucinations are something I've always had, but meditation has made me more aware of them. Not sure how I can alleviate that however; whether to do something to get rid of it or just let it be. The problem is if I focus on the hallucinations or even sometimes if I don't and just try to ignore it and let them go I feel like as they increase I'm going into another mental state; and not one of ordinary sleep.