Hi friends. Thanks for your responses. They all resonated quite deeply with what it is I'm going through. And I'll take what you said on board.
To respond to your questions, Alex.
If I understand you well, you seem to have deepened your practice leading to very subtle experiences of presence/awareness. Then something seems to have been triggered (in meditation or maybe in other areas of your life?) leading to a loss of this ‘momentum’ and a return to old unhealthy habits. Now you have re-found a solid sila, as you call it, and your practice is deepening again and you’re wondering how to avoid a similar cycle?
Yes, that's basically it I would say, last time I had this very subtle experience of awareness a week later everything became super heavy again and I believe I became unhappy because a week before that I was floating in bliss and then it was gone, but this was half a year ago, and a big lesson, understanding that we can't be in bliss all of the time, and we must live on this earthly plane.
At that time, about half a year ago, there were also other factors that made things difficult and made me go back to smoking, it seemed like a perfect storm looking at it now. I realized I was working too hard in college, doing too much exercise and I also had a potential intimate relationship for the first time in about 6 years that totally caught me off guard and threw me up all sorts of challenges I just wasn't ready for, it freaked me out. I thought doing lots of exercise and pushing my body would help me stay off weed, but that back-fired too, so now I am doing a more sustained exercise routine, something called LSD (long, slow, distance) and being more cunning in my approach to relationships. It was also coming in to winter at the time, so it all sort of built up and I got burned out. One day I was cycling to college, I turned around and went to my friends house to buy weed, and thus my practice took a time out for a few months and my commitment to college faded for a while too, until I was ready to "start again." Since then it has been going okay, I am over 3 months off weed again, I feel I am at that point where it will show it's face again sometime soon, and I think like you guys are saying above, a bit of courage, conscious effort and even faith will go a long way. I do feel more "ready" after each cycle and understanding it more and myself more. I've been adapting my lifestyle slightly too so I can generally live in a smoother way, perhaps that way I can stop getting burned out, and conserve my energy so I have the strength to face what ever is to come.
I feel it's inevitable that I will start craving again sometime soon, I thought in the past I could move on from weed without craving it but perhaps it is something I just need to let arise and then send it some metta and prayer and use mindfulness and understanding. It's an old ugly self-destructive part of my self that I need to show compassion for, even started talking to that part of myself to let it know I am not going to neglect it. These are all new little things I've been doing to see if it will help, and I think it is. Once I have that first drag the habit rolls like a train for months until it eventually runs out of steam, with courage and effort perhaps I can avoid putting fuel in the tank in the first place, that is to say, observe the habit rather than let it take control.
Topic: Question about my life based on my experience (Read 4907 times)
May 20, 2011, 06:53:06 PM