Dear all,
I returned from my first 10 day vipassana retreat yesterday and I am sad to say it was more a negative than positive experience. I'm not about to bash Goenka or his techniques, I think he is utterly wonderful and I lived for the evening discourses during the ten days. I understand everyone has a different experience but haven't really come across anyone whose experience mirrors mine in any way so I guess I'm looking for some insight and support to help me through the aftermath of my retreat experience.
I went with fairly midling to high expectations. I have meditated for a reasonable length of time (3 years off and on but more consistent this year) and mostly focused on the breath. I have read a lot of spiritual/ non-duality texts and have had the occasional feeling of no self/ nothingness, which is subtle yet liberating. I also suffer from anxiety and an extremely busy mind, which often affects my sleep, as well as other aspects of my life (confidence etc) so I hoped that the retreat would tame my mind somewhat. I should also mention I have quite a difficult family situation in that my father is in the late stages of terminal illness (ALS) which has been difficult to come to terms with.
I looked forward to my retreat but on Day 1, I already wanted to leave, and that feeling got stronger on Days 2 and 3, remaining throughout the course. Goenka said there would be a great deal of resistance, and the mind and body would revolt due to this alien situation, so I kept that in mind. However, I found it exceptionally difficult. Not necessarily the silence, the lack of food and sleep and lack of any entertainment or distraction (though these were definitely difficult), but the apparent busyness and negativity of the mind, that would just not shut up. I felt persecuted by the people around me, judged, imprisoned. I judged everyone harshly, never a positive comment even though deep down I didn't believe those things, the mind just kept throwing negativity at me and sometimes it took my breath away. It was negative about everything, including my looks and I became preoccupied with looking in the mirror and finding fault, thinking I was getting old and planning ways to make myself prettier. Remaining in the present moment seemed near-impossible, with my mind wondering what was going on in the outside world and yearning for time to pass. The only time I felt present was when I was walking in nature, seeing the birds, looking at the sky. At almost all other times I was striving for something I couldn't have: freedom, contact with the outside world, food, a quiet mind. I also had many songs playing in my head, sometimes without me even noticing, and many memories surfacing from the past. It was quite discreet, but I would find myself remembering very random and specific things I haven't thought about in years: some difficult, some neutral. On one occasion, I cried and cried for the young 11 year old girl I was when my parents separated and had a very nasty divorce. I felt so badly for her and promised to protect her.
The meditation techniques themselves were challenging, not least because of my noisy mind. I just couldn't concentrate for long at a time, especially in the hall, with other peoples' bodily noises all around me. I struggled to grasp vipassana and still don't know if I'm doing it correctly. I had to use a back rest as I have back pain and that affected my ability to stay still for long without one. I would abide by the instructions and sit still for an hour with no movement. Towards the end of the hour, when I was in pain, I would feel a surge of panic arising, telling me I couldn't take much more. The pain would lessen somewhat as I looked at it with equanimity and I noticed I was fully present, the mind was finally still and focused on the sensation. Then the panic would subside when it finished and relief would set in, but I have no idea of whether this was getting rid of unconscious reactions or pain.
I decided to stick out the course despite so many conversations in my head about how I would ask to leave. I decided that the disappointment if I left would far outweigh the triumph if I stayed, and I didn't want to be a quitter (ego again). My one criticism of Goenka is his proclaimation on Day 3 that those who left were weak minded. I don't think that is fair or true. One boy who left had a complete breakdown on Day 8. Three girls also left.
Now I am home and in my usual routine and environment, I feel a bit bereft. I didn't sleep last night, despite being utterly exhausted, and my mind was again rebelling and filling my head with worries to the point I wondered whether I gained anything from the course. I learned so much from the discourses and have no interest in idle gossip or being nasty to or about anyone, but I had hoped that my chattering mind would have lessened. I just wondered if anyone could shed some light on my experience? Sorry for the waffling and thank you in advance x