Hello Mardeabril,
I don't know if I could be of any help, but I wanna tell you my personal story of suffering (and a way out of it), which maybe allows you to get a different view on your actual situation. If I sound a bit harsh, direct or "cloudy" - this is due to the circumstance that English is not my native language – sorry about that.
Social-anxiety has been my opponent, since the beginning of my life I guess. It caused suffering for me and my nearest friends/family in many parts of my life. In my youth (14-22), Alcohol and drug abuse to compensate my anxiety where my first attempts of getting rid of my problem. But as you may guess, those things didn't make things better. With 22 I came to a point where I had to decide whether I wanna live or die. I happily chose live. I stopped smoking and drastically reduced my alcohol consumption and my first attempts of meditation followed. At a first glance things became more difficult than before, because facing your enemy with no weapons made me vulnerable and I fell quite into a depression/or probably have already been here.
From 22 till know I steadily became better. In short, I became able to arrange my live, but in my subconscious I was still unhappy. In the last two years I realized, that anxiety was the main root of my suffering since the beginning of my live and that I became a master in avoiding situations which triggered social anxiety - which still caused suffering.
That's why I went on my first vipassana retreat (10 days). The first two days where overwhelming in a very negative way. My enemy attacked me in the worst manner and in an ongoing frequency (like your sound is “attacking” you). My only strategy by far, which was fleeing, didn’t worked out. In this second day I had the most helpful conversation ever (with my teacher). To be precise, it was the “simple” suggestion to have a glance at my anxiety – to look it directly into its eyes. This instruction was a game changer for me. First time in my live I knew exactly: this is anxiety. For the first time in my live I realized: Anxiety comes and goes in many different situations and intensities and durations. I became aware that sometimes sounds (like the sound when someone opens a door to my room, or the sound when someone is walking over a wooden floor…) or thoughts, or visual impressions, my underlying mood, etc. triggered my anxiety in different kind of variations. After a few days my anxiety became less and less threatening because of mindful observation. I also realized that anxiety was/is a kind of protection to me for keeping me away of more underlying “threats” like e.g. self-hatred and non-acceptance.
Know, three month later anxiety is still present in many situations in my life, but our relationship has changed – from an enemy to a friend, because it brings me back to mindfulness – at least most of the times.
So, finally, what are the points of my story:
- Sometimes people need a big amount of words to come to a point
- Try finding a psychotherapist which seems trustworthy to you. Sometimes the first is not the best.
- Running away may extend the duration and intensity of suffering over the time
- Be kind to yourself
- Maybe observing your sound in a mindful way can be a gamechanger to you too
- When you recognize suffering, know that there is suffering
- When you regognize anxiety, know that there is anxiety, etc...
- Understanding/Observing of suffering can lead to freedom and insight, even if your inner sound persists
What "strategies" despite distracting have you tried out yet? Have you already tried some of the suggestions Paula gave you?
Best wishes,
may you be healthy
