Author Topic: Sharing physical love (no sex)  (Read 1264 times)


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Sharing physical love (no sex)
« on: June 26, 2017, 10:22:58 PM »
Dear meditators,

I have a question about sharing love while in a relationship.
I'm in a very well functioning relationship with my girlfriend, and at the same time in a very close friendship with another woman.
There's very little sexual desire, but I do feel a physical connection to my friend in a way that's beyond sex. I just feel compassion, love and warmth for my friend an it expresses itself in wanting to just hold her close to me. When holding her I feel deeply connected and satisfied. I want nothing else.

We slept in one bed, just holding each other. It was very peaceful and loving and nothing weird happened. It just felt very natural and pure. Although sometimes the idea of sex came into my mind, but I'm well aware that this is not what I really want. Also because I know my partner would not approve of that, but it also comes from inside myself. I don't want to have sex with my friend, but I do want to be intimate with her. Just without the kissing, sex etc.

Now, we do have a history. My friend has been madly in love with me for a long time. After 2 vipassana courses her love has transformed mostly. She accepted she can give me all her love while letting me go, without attachment or grieve. This is a wonderful achievement, but I'm also aware that there might be residual craving in her, as 2 vipassana courses are deeply healing, but not enough to eliminate clinging and desire. And in a sense, the same goes for me. After just 1 year of experience with vipassana, I can't say I'm liberated of impurities. It's great to be loved and to be desired, adored and to be the strong one in a relationship, and my friend is always giving me so much love and affirmation of what a good person I am.

So in a way I'm not even 100% sure I'm doing my friend a favour by holding her and opening all my love channels to her, because the signal might still somehow be misinterpreted and confusing. Although this is her own 'problem' of course. If presented with unconditional love (which I do not claim to have) people might not know what to do or how to recognize it. For myself I'm doubting whether I should engage in such contact with other women than my girlfriend. Apart from occasional sexual fantasies of other women (that I talk about to my partner) I think I'm well in control of my sex-drive. I have little desire to have sex with others.

Or perhaps my friend's love is unconditional and I don't know what to do with it and feel guilty for receiving it because it might make my girlfriend jealous.

As you can read I'm in a bit of a maze here. Not sure what's pure and what's the right thing to do in this specific situation. It would be great to hear your ideas about it.



ps. this whole thing inspired me to thing about polyamory again. It's not exactly the same thing, but there's something in me that thinks that love (not just sex) is too big to be shared just with one person.


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Re: Sharing physical love (no sex)
« Reply #1 on: June 27, 2017, 04:44:33 AM »
The first thing I notice is that you only devoted half a sentence to your girlfriend, and mention her like you'd mention that you have a reliable car, her view on all this is quite important.

The rest all sounds very clingy.  Unconditional love wants the best for someone else, it doesn't cling.  As a vipassana meditator you should be able to examine whether your behaviour is motivated by trying to have and repeat pleasant sensations I think it would be worthwhile to look into this.  If she doesn't have a background in vipassana that you do she may not be able to have the objectivity that you can, so probably you need to be objective for both of you.
« Last Edit: June 27, 2017, 04:49:17 AM by Goofaholix »


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