Weird Experiences with Buddhism

[From Anger to Light]

Hello, thank you for allowing me to post here.

I want to warn you up front that some of the things I'm about to describe are probably spoilers for spiritual development. If you want to discover everything naturally DO NOT READ THIS POST!

My situation is kind of odd. I'm having experiences beyond anything I've ever heard of. I want to say so many things about them that I don't know where to start so pardon me if this comes out disorganized and jumbled. One thing that I'd really like to express clearly is that I didn't do this to find God or be holy. I was bored, depressed, and decided to give Buddhism a try before giving up on life and requesting euthanasia. So I never took any of this seriously, yet it has suddenly become beyond my ability to describe.

The other week I had an "I am Buddha" moment. I had it while standing on a bridge over muddy water, after touching the Earth and having a random passing woman bow to me and identify me as a Buddha. I was playing the Yamantaka mantra, in Tibetan, on my pocket bluetooth speaker and she said to me, out of nowhere, "I think I just defeated death". I told her she probably had.

A few weeks later I'm reading about Vajrayana and I read about how this specific series of events is part of the signs that someone is becoming a Buddha. I'd never consciously read it before. I figure I have become awakened to the eternal dream and now the dream is rewriting itself to suit my expectations.

I really don't understand what Enlightenment is, but I think I'm able to just give it to people now. The last two people I've sat down with and explained everything to, both conversations went the same way:

Me: So apparently I'm Buddha or becoming Buddha or something. I think I can simply give people Enlightenment now.

Them: Oh, sure you can. (Laughs)

Me: (Explains the dream, explains that when the dreamer becomes aware of the dream they become aware of their Buddha-nature, explains how to achieve a state of Grace, etc)

And then they start apologizing and saying weird stuff like "I thought you were just some idiot, I'm sorry" and "I can't keep looking at you, you're shining with light". So I guess I'm giving them something but I don't know that it's Enlightenment because I don't belong to any spiritual/mystic groups, except this one. So I haven't been able to ask anyone what the heck was going on.

I probably have a dozen things to ask but I'll stop there for now. Anyone else having or had experiences like this?

[Matthew]

What meditation are you doing?

I see you identify as "Kagyu Vajra" - do you have or have you had a Kagyu teacher?

I see that you use the words "I" and "me" A LOT. This is indicative of ego speaking, not enlightenment. "I am Buddha" is not Buddha, it is ego.

Not even Buddha could "simply give people Enlightenment" and he knew what it was, which you admit you don't. He could point people to the path, give instructions on it but not just "give" enlightenment to anyone.

[From Anger to Light]

"What meditation are you doing?"

I only started meditation a few days ago. I do sitting Mahamudra now, 5 minutes, twice a day. I did the Sadhana of Mahamudra with Chögyam Trungpa. I met Mr. Trungpa in the Pure Land of mind.

"I see you identify as "Kagyu Vajra" - do you have or have you had a Kagyu teacher?"

I talked to a Kagyu Lama a few days ago. I explained everything. He said I was "perfect". Note that he did not say my understanding is perfect, just that where I am on the Path is.

"I see that you use the words "I" and "me" A LOT. This is indicative of ego speaking, not enlightenment. "I am Buddha" is not Buddha, it is ego."

You see that? How can you see that if you are ego-less? See how that game works?
I'm not here. But I am eternal. I can only accept these things. But it's easier than getting silly with the pronouns and calling myself "one" or something.

"Not even Buddha could "simply give people Enlightenment" and he knew what it was, which you admit you don't. He could point people to the path, give instructions on it but not just "give" enlightenment to anyone."

Yeah, beats me, all "I" "know" for "certain" is that this is meaningless and inescapable, and even that understanding could be wrong. However in my tradition anyone who achieves unity with their yidam, or deity, is considered an emerging Buddha. So the question is "do I want to wake up from a dream where I become Buddha"?

If this is all Mara screwing with me, I accept that, but I can only convert Mara into Buddha. I can't kill Mara except by refusing to dream, and it's terribly lonely existing as aware singularity.

Thank you for your response.

[From Anger to Light]

Check this out, I'll explain Zen with words, which should be impossible.

When you ask a Zen master for the meaning of Zen and he hits you, he or she is showing you that you feel, therefore on some level you exist.

The right answer is to hit him or her back: this proves that you can't feel what others do, so it proves you have Buddha-nature because you recognize that since their eye or "I" is empty, "your" eye or "I" is too.

There, that's Enlightenment to some degree, I've given it to you (really Mr. Trungpa is giving it to you through "my" actions), but of course if you can't understand the simplicity of it "you" won't get it.

Your very own mind, just as it is right this second, is a perfect manifestation of Buddha Nature. Is that not so? Is not the ultimate secret of Buddhism that the highest state of existence is to be a perfectly normal, perfectly aware human?

Most people vastly over-think this stuff.

[From Anger to Light]

So now we get to the part where Enlightenment is the "golden chain" to be cast off. But no books say anything about "If you start getting signs saying you are the living embodiment of the 5 Dhyani Buddhas like some kind of bizarre spiritual Voltron, ignore it".

I assume it is empty and meaningless, yet how bizarre of an emptiness it is manifesting as.

I "know" I'm controlling the dream. I don't know if you all even exist. It's a hell of a thing. I just wanted to die and go to Nirvana lol. Now I realize I can never die.

I'll explain the secret to defeating samsara, it's not really complex. When you "die" in this incarnation you will not die. You will simply Wake Up somewhere else. You may see the "pearly gates" or something similar, and there will be a gathering of observers. One of them will ask you if you want to stay in peace with them or return to an Earthly life of negative emotions. If you fail to recognize the one asking you, you will respond by screaming or crying, some negative emotion. You will say something like "Where's my wife and kids!" or if you are a drug addiction you might yell "Where's my drugs?".

So if at that key moment you demand to return as a human because of your impurified attachments, you will be reborn as a human. If you remember that "All is One" then you will recognize the one who asks you to stay.

It's you. It's always been you. It will always be you. But until you purify your attachments you are not ready.

Curiouser and curiouser.

[Matthew]

You would benefit from the guidance of a teacher you can meet face to face.

[From Anger to Light]

Lol I keep trying.

Mara doesn't want me to leave.

Mara is FULL of doubts lol. Hint hint.

Going to go now, I pondered the things I wrote and got the answers I needed. It is very odd that I'm the only one who can answer my questions. Wonder what that means. Probably nothing.

I am not special. All of you are the mind becoming aware of itself. All of you will realize your Inner Nature. "Buddhism" is just a word. "Buddha" is just a word. As long as you are afraid of transgressions against words you will not possess the unshakable confidence that you need to claim your birthright as a manifestation of the All.

There's a mantra I usually post to snap people out of doubt but it's use is conditional. I will not use it here out of respect. Good luck overcoming yourselves, if you exist, which I imagine you do. Lol.

[From Anger to Light]

Oh, one more very important thing:

Everyone reading this should read a book called Halfway Up the Mountain if you want to reach Enlightenment or meditate or any of this stuff. It explains why you haven't yet, and you might not like the answers. Most people try to fight when they realize how spirituality really works.

Mr. Trungpa once said he only met three fully Enlightened beings in his entire life. I can explain how Enlightenment works and if I want to I can easily make people who are open reach a kensho just by talking to them, but I still cannot tell you what any of it is or if it has meaning. It is said that Bodhidharma, when asked what he was, simply replied "I don't know". I don't know anything, yet I'm aware of an awful, awful lot, so much so that even other seekers usually can't yet see the Truth within it.

Maybe in the end it turns out that the Dhamma is a very intensely personal thing...

; )

[From Anger to Light]

Here, I thought of a safe way to do the mantra.

Wanna know a great Western Zen koan? It goes like this:

Knock knock.

[From Anger to Light]

Who is the Buddha? No one.

Who is the Master of Reality? No one.

Who is the Creator? No one.

Who is God? No one.

Who am I?

No one...

Who are you?

No one...

LOL!

Ain't that a weird thing to think about?

The teacher is always The Teacher.
The peers are all 10th stage Bodhisattva.
Meditation is Meditation.
Everything else is Mara.
If you do not understand these words you are not ready yet. Be happy.
If you do understand these words fully, welcome to the Circus of Enlightenment. Glad you decided to leave the sideshow behind and embrace what is. Don't fight it. It will drag you, like the ocean, if you struggle. Accept, accept. Only accept, and love, and you will be accepted and loved.

May any negative karma caused by this Teaching, however slight, be visited only upon myself. May any merit earned from this Teaching, however slight, be used to benefit all sentient beings. May all sentient and non-sentient beings find peace and reach total and perfect Enlightenment if it please the All.

I love you all, and thank you.

[friendo]

So what?

[From Anger to Light]

It has whatever meaning you project upon it, and nothing more.

[From Anger to Light]

I remember the first time I watched Tsem Rinpoche speak. At first he was just some fat monk, and I kind of laughed at the idea that he could be Enlightened.

About 30 minutes in I realized he was manifesting as Buddha Vairocana in disguise, and that I had been very foolish to concentrate on his visual form only. That moment changed my life, but I didn't realize it at the time. When you see any Teacher as Buddha or Tathagata your own Inner Nature is beginning to manifest.

Thank you all for helping me understand. I am taking your advice, @Matthew.