Metta practice after break up incorporating ex.

[polishedbrass]

I've gone through a very toxic relationship and we broke up about 2 months ago.

I'm doing better now and I have been practicing metta meditation and wish to include my ex in it but am hesitant about it.
I wish to let go of all the anger and resentment and other emotions because I see how it was all two ego's struggling with their core wounds. I recognize her as a being who deserves love and acceptance just as much as any other.

I do wish her a very happy life even though I suffered a lot of abuse by her hands. My only fear is that directing that attention and wish to her in metta practice will prolong my attachment to her. Although I believe that metta is actually a love that transcends attachment, perhaps it is even really freeing to practice it on your ex... But I am still afraid to do it as I want to really heal and get free of this myself because this relationship was incredibly unhealthy for me.

[Laurent]

You can wonder that if this person were really in peace, she could not have harmed you. So it is logic to wish her to be in peace.


"May even my enemies
   hear talk of the Dhamma.
May even my enemies
   devote themselves
   to the Buddha's bidding.
May even my enemies
   associate with those people
   who — peaceful, good —
   get others to accept the Dhamma.
May even my enemies
   hear the Dhamma time & again
   from those who advise  endurance,
                  forbearance,
   who praise non-opposition,
and may they follow it.

For surely he wouldn't harm me,
or anyone else;
he would attain     the foremost peace,
would protect   the feeble & firm.

Irrigators guide   the water.[6]
Fletchers shape     the arrow shaft.
Carpenters shape    the wood.
The wise control
          themselves.

Some tame with a blunt stick,
with hooks, & with whips
But without blunt or bladed weapons
I was tamed by the one who is Such.

"Doer of No Harm" is my name,
but I used to be a doer of harm.
Today I am true to my name,
for I harm no one at all.

   A bandit
   I used to be,
renowned as Angulimala.
Swept along by a great flood,
I went to the Buddha as refuge.

   Bloody-handed
   I used to be,
renowned as Angulimala.
See my going for refuge!
Uprooted is [craving],
the guide to becoming.

Having done the type of kamma
that would lead to many
bad destinations,
touched by the fruit of [that] kamma,
unindebted, I eat my food. [7]

They're addicted to heedlessness[8]
 — dullards, fools —
while one who is wise
cherishes heedfulness
as his highest wealth.

Don't give way to heedlessness[9]
   or to intimacy
   with sensual delight —
for a heedful person,
absorbed in jhana,
attains an abundant bliss.

This[10] has come well & not gone away,
it was not badly thought through for me.
From among well-analyzed qualities,
   I have obtained
   the best.

This has come well & not gone away,
it was not badly thought through for me.
   The three knowledges
   have been attained;
   the Buddha's bidding,
          done."

in Angulimala Sutta

[Nicky]

Is an abusive person expected to live a happy life & deserving of ordinary love (rather than caution)? 

I would focus on improving yourself & your future choices to avoid such a dysfunctional relationship again.

Forgiving her & yourself I think may be a good starting point (rather than metta).

Through forgiveness, her less attractive qualities are focused on rather than what may be attractive qualities.

Focusing on forgiveness also will generate insight into the relationship mistakes made & help your future.

[siddharthgode]

Desiring a person to be happy during ur Metta meditation and as soon as u get off from the cushion u roll in the miseries you and the person created. If this is what is happening to u then work on removing the sangharas created in you first because of this bad relation. Metta is something the comes on its own when u become free from all the negativity of the relation and see other person still stuck in that negativity. It's not something u do from the surface of the mind. What u r doing is Desiring well being of the person!! Now wait a minute didn't u spend the remaining time during meditation removing or getting detached from desires in ur mind? U r going the wrong way!!!!

[stillpointdancer]

Isn't it also the point that metta is unconditional, that it's for everyone or for no one? If I have problems with wishing someone well, I remind myself that metta is like a torch that illuminates everything, not just what I want it to. Eventually the meditation kicks back in and I find the right way to use metta.

[polishedbrass]

Thank you all for your replies.

Is an abusive person expected to live a happy life & deserving of ordinary love (rather than caution)? 

I don't really understand you here.
What do you mean by 'ordinary love'? In my mind there is conditional/preferential love which is about attachment and then there is metta as part of the four immeasurables.

An 'ordinary love' does not exist. Furthermore I believe everyone is deserving of love because it is essentially not about 'deserving' at all, it is beyond that realm.

In that sense I believe metta practice and forgiveness are not all all so much different, there is already forgiveness in practice of metta and metta in the practice of forgiveness.

And if an abusive person is expected to live a happy life is besides the point. Expectation does not enter into this. I may wish her a happy life and yes, there is a pretty good chance that at some point in her life she will seek real treatment for her issues. She harmed me out of her own inner pain and confusion.

I have written more than enough about all I've been through and have strong enough determination not to get into that relationship again. My wish is to actually detach from her through the use of unconditional love or metta because I notice that there are a lot of emotions tied to my ego that keep me attached.

[TheJourney]

Scientifically, metta is for your own benefit. Research shows that it strengthen your prefrontal cortex so that you have better control of your amygdala. 

Amygdala has strong influence over your prefrontal but not the other way around. Metta helps with the other way around.

Dont let anyone think that they have power over other with metta meditation. It is for one's own benefit to have metta for all.

[TheJourney]

http://health.usnews.com/wellness/articles/2016-03-23/the-surprising-benefits-of-compassion-meditation

Science shows:

Forgiveness brings immediate benefits to the forgiver

Not forgiving brings more harm to the non forgiver.

Isn't Buddha amazing? He knew 2500 years ago without technology which today hundreds of millions of dollars are spent to confirm his teachings.

[Nicky]

I don't really understand you here.

Well...when you with her you were (at least subconsciously) wishing both of you could be happy but that did not work. I just don't see any benefit practising the usual metta meditation and wishing she be happy when she is not going to be happy.

I know you would like to let go of anger & resentment but I think examining her & your mistakes might be more effective & thus seeing clearly you are better off without her.

Regards

[dharma bum]

please take my suggestion with a grain of salt, but imo, there is no harm in including her in your metta, but it makes sense to not focus on her. make her one of many in your metta. usually, i include in my metta, everybody i know, starting from my immediate family to those farther off.