Self-aggression

[BeHereNow]

Lately I've been noticing a whole lot of self-aggression disguised as all sorts of things.  I thought I would start a thread to keep track of it, see where it is hiding, with the aim of becoming more mindful of my relationship with myself.

Right now it tugs at my heart, my whole body wants to curl into a little ball because I feel like such a failure.  It is so painful and sad and life loses meaning.  But if I can just stay present with it, see it as a habit and become curious about it, it becomes less painful.

I see myself as not enough, my job as not enough, I want to be different than I am.  It makes me sad to see this, and the things I have tried so far in terms of becoming "better" have not worked.  I guess the only choice is to stay with it, observe it, and not believe it.

It is mostly present at work, where I feel like I'm not really doing what I'm "supposed" to be doing... whatever that means.  When I let it be in the background and just actually do my work, one small task at a time, it doesn't bother me.  It seems to be a deeper underlying fear that I will miss out on something better that I'm supposed to be.

Have others dealt with this profound self-hatred in practice and in life? 

[Frightful]

@BHN: "Have others dealt with this profound self-hatred in practice and in life? "

Where do I begin?.... 

Just MHO...the "O" being opinion and (self)-observation (and not infrequently, obnoxious ).  It's been a long road first noticing the discomfort and then coming round to asking which master it is that I am trying to please.  Given that most of us on a site like this may likely have been raised with a ton of "shoulds"...."you should do this, you should be that".... that's a lot of benchmark being thrown one's way from the outside without any consideration of a balance between external factors necessary for day-to-day living and internal needs for something approaching sanity.  I think I may understand what you mean about "not really doing what I'm "supposed" to be doing" at work.  Being in a (relatively) good job, I hit that wall a few years ago as well.  But other internal callings were occurring and even if I'm not performing in the job (the job being a pretty artificial construct in the grand scheme of things) as well as I should, it's still paying the rent and between meditation and other explorations while at work, I don't worry about the employment/employer situation so much.  The main point being that it's a pretty rare job that is fulfilling.  And a lot of what we consider "better" in terms of what we *should* be often are unrealistic or misguided standards.

At times,  meditation can result in my feeling quite depressed.  But I ascribe that to becoming more aware of things that I have a very strong defense system normally keeping under wraps.  The self-loathing is a nasty, wretch of an internal voice and feeling that was probably put there long ago via your upbringing in one way or another.  Maybe try combining these two sentiments: "...if I can just stay present with it, see it as a habit and become curious about it, it becomes less painful." -and- " I thought I would start a thread to keep track of it, see where it is hiding, with the aim of becoming more mindful of my relationship with myself."  My thinking here is to not just consider your self-aggression merely a 'habit', but one that has an origin likely in your developing years, circumstances of which you may are may not be able to recall or put your finger on.  But irrespective of all of this, and speaking from having moved very incrementally from self-loathing to some level of self-acceptance, I think you really need to target that base feeling of failure, not by daily listing your accomplishments, but by accepting (with the assistance of your meditation) a base goodness that exists within you and that will be at odds with accomplishment-driven externally-introjected values that stoke the fires of self-hate.

[BeHereNow]

This is so helpful, frightful.  Thank you for sharing.

I often forget the concept of basic goodness and find so much comfort in it when I remember...

[Laurent]

Self-aggression is an interesting word. Why is self agressing you? Have you done anything that could harm her?
 

[Dharmic Tui]

I wouldn't be so concerned with your vital statistics such as your job, or who or what you think you are. What trumps all is your action and intentions at any given point in time. Conduct yourself with as much honesty, integrity and love as you can muster, and try and muster some more in the next moment. Not only will this improve your own karma, but the world should reflect yourself back to you.

Take your time and try not to expect too much.

[Cachina]

Hi,
I like the honesty of your post and it seems to me that you have found a good way of dealing with it. Frightful's thoughts are very familiar also to me.
Since some weeks I have been aware of a lack of kindness to myself. I have come to a point where I feel that inside myself there is a very fragile and delicate place or part. Yet my inner dialogue is often so harsh. At least at the moment I perceive it as harsh. And sometimes I am a bit shocked or sad when I notice how I treat myself. I also started meditating very friendly and more carefully.
I am actually a nice person, but I wonder if I treat people the same way like I treat myself. Whatsmore, I put a lot of effort in trying to be a self confident person. But this is not the way I really feel.
I have started trying to "feed" the more kind and sensitive qualities inside me. Maybe this would do good also for the world around me.

[BeHereNow]

What trumps all is your action and intentions at any given point in time. Conduct yourself with as much honesty, integrity and love as you can muster, and try and muster some more in the next moment.

I love this, DT... I will try :-)

This morning I sat and felt the heaviness of it all, dropped the storyline and noticed how heavy it is.  Then I saw that I can hold it, if I remember that there is value in just being alive.

I have started trying to "feed" the more kind and sensitive qualities inside me. Maybe this would do good also for the world around me.

Yes... Cachina... I think this is where it all begins.  I will start with being kind with myself and seeing the progress in not seeing myself as a victim.