Need help in balancing energy

[truth39]

About 16 months ago I suffered a very traumatizing meditation experience that frightened me so bad to this day I am still living with the trauma. I have done research and reached out to several people in attempts to try and get some understanding of what may have happened during my experience but every solution offered has left me even more confused. I now suffer from anxiety which I've never had before along with other psychological trauma that I am having a hard time shaking. I'm desperate for help. I have too much to lose if I do not get better. To make a long story short...16 months ago when I was meditating, I was not trained and had no professional teacher guiding me. It was my 3rd time meditating and I forced my mind into a blank space while listening to shamanic meditation music I found on YouTube. After what seemed about 10 minutes of a self hypnosis it felt as if something flew in me or I fell in a hole and I jump up startled. I could feel all the blood rushing in my head and body and after I calmed down several hours later I was left traumatized. While I was calming down I felt a wave of energy rush down my legs and settle in my  calves. Sounds weird but true. 2 days later while asleep I was awakened by a rush on energy that came from my calves and traveled up my legs and through my body and it left me feeling anxiety. I was extremely terrified. Over the past 16 months all of those issues are still there just not as frequent. I have tried, meditation, praying, detoxing etc in attempts to restore my peace....nothing has worked. Ever since this incident my calves feel heavy and the energy will occasionally travel up my body and give me anxiety. The nerves are constantly jumping and tingling in my calves and its getting worse. I wonder if I need to I need to rebalance my energy and why it is so heavy in my calves. Help if you can. If anyone wants to contact me to take this off the forum please send me a message and you can ask any questions and I will share more in attempts to help myself. Thanks

[stillpointdancer]

Hi, truth 39. I don't think enough people share the strange experiences that can happen during meditation. It's one reason why it's best to practice with a group of experienced meditators, at least at the start. You need a couple of basic meditations to start with- mindfulness of breathing and metta bhavana being two good examples. 'Forcing your mind into a blank space' is not something I've ever done, in 30 odd years of meditating, although I guess there are many stories around what meditation is supposed to be. Failing finding a good teacher, this forum is a pretty good place to start. Try researching the Meditation, Practice And The Path forum FAQ put together by Matthew.

Energy rushing around your body is sometimes you just becoming more aware of your body, especially in the early stages of meditation. For me, it also manifests when I've been concentrating on chakras. Sometimes it feels like electric shock are travelling through my body, but in a good way! I have to be careful, though, as too much energy can be as bad as too little energy. I also have to be careful when this kind of 'leaks over' into everyday life, where I only have to think of meditating and these energy rushes almost take over. Not that I'm complaining about having this energy, but I have to be careful if I'm driving or am carrying on a conversation. At these times I find it best to give this energy away during metta meditation, visualizing it as white light moving out freely to other people.

Hope this helps.

[TheJourney]

Not an expert on this, but I have heard of people getting kundalini even when they are not doing anything special. It does sound like there is blockage somewhere.

I have not had anything weird like yours. The ones I have experienced were a trail of electric shock going across my back and to my cheek then another growing spider web of electric shock on my other cheek. The shock level is kind of like the winter electric shock you get when touching metal or someone. I also had compression of my head from invisible external force towards the center of my head. This all happened in the dorm of a 10 days meditation retreat. It didn't happen again when I got home.

There are so many varieties of meditation. In December 2013, I had tried doing a meditation that imagine the tian dan (the chakara below the navel) as a shiny ball and imagine sphere of light emitting from there. This type of meditation tends to arouse kundalini. After reading about kundalini, One month into it, I decided not to do this kind of meditation.  During this time, I was playing with Qi (in India known as Prana, in America known as Orgone but Wilhelm Reich's books on orgone have all been burned by FDA.) by cultivating Qi.

There is a saying in Taoism - mental intention leads qi movement which leads blood movement.  This is very true. Whenever I put my mind on my hand (like you do during yoga nidra) and relax, in a short while I can begin to feel forceful energy movement in my arms like there is a creature living inside moving about or like a blob moving up and down randomly.

I didn't meditate again until December 2014. This time I stuck to traditional meditation - anapanasati. Ever since, I have been doing anapansati.

I am currently reading a PDF titled A Map of the Journey by Sayadaw U Jotika (from Buddhanet.net). He recommends preparation before meditation. In the preparation, he recommends doing a short Loving-Kindness Meditation and making an intention to the mind to be awake when something of sudden shock occurs . This protects you from anything dangerous during meditation.

Probably, best to find someone who is reputable and is expert in this area to help balance energy.

[Matthew]

Truth39,

You already asked about this last year in March. The answer at the link below is quite comprehensive:

http://www.vipassanaforum.net/forum/index.php?topic=2694.msg27789#msg27789

Further answers from Quardamon, Goofaholix and Poojavassa in the same thread are beneficial for you to read and contemplate.

The meditation suggested is here:

http://www.vipassanaforum.net/forum/index.php?page=2

If you feel you can't do this alone, it may be worth seeking help from a mindfulness aware psychological therapist and/or someone who has specific training in working with dissociation and trauma.

Kind regards,

Matthew

[Matthew]

If anyone wants to contact me to take this off the forum please send me a message and you can ask any questions and I will share more in attempts to help myself. Thanks

This is not wise. I am minded to delete it from your post, however, instead I just advise you do not reply to anyone who messages you - you will need to find a person in the real world to help, be it a meditation teacher or therapist.

Kindly,

Matthew

[bomega]

About 16 months ago I suffered a very traumatizing meditation experience that frightened me so bad to this day I am still living with the trauma. I have done research and reached out to several people in attempts to try and get some understanding of what may have happened during my experience but every solution offered has left me even more confused. I now suffer from anxiety which I've never had before along with other psychological trauma that I am having a hard time shaking. I'm desperate for help. I have too much to lose if I do not get better. To make a long story short...16 months ago when I was meditating, I was not trained and had no professional teacher guiding me. It was my 3rd time meditating and I forced my mind into a blank space while listening to shamanic meditation music I found on YouTube. After what seemed about 10 minutes of a self hypnosis it felt as if something flew in me or I fell in a hole and I jump up startled. I could feel all the blood rushing in my head and body and after I calmed down several hours later I was left traumatized. While I was calming down I felt a wave of energy rush down my legs and settle in my  calves. Sounds weird but true. 2 days later while asleep I was awakened by a rush on energy that came from my calves and traveled up my legs and through my body and it left me feeling anxiety. I was extremely terrified. Over the past 16 months all of those issues are still there just not as frequent. I have tried, meditation, praying, detoxing etc in attempts to restore my peace....nothing has worked. Ever since this incident my calves feel heavy and the energy will occasionally travel up my body and give me anxiety. The nerves are constantly jumping and tingling in my calves and its getting worse. I wonder if I need to I need to rebalance my energy and why it is so heavy in my calves. Help if you can. If anyone wants to contact me to take this off the forum please send me a message and you can ask any questions and I will share more in attempts to help myself. Thanks

Can you share some of what you have tried (and what was the effect) since you last brought this issue to the forum? It would be a little easier to help you if we know.

Although I have done energy work with positive results, you might not get much information along those lines on a buddhist meditation forum. So if that is the kind of treatment you are considering, you might be better off looking elsewhere. However, one thing I'm wondering is have you looked at physical causes and treatments? You keep talking about the heaviness in your calves which seems to be the origination of this anxiety. Have you tried doing stretches for calves and your whole body? If so, what is the result?

I agree with others that if you are looking for meditation techniques to cure this issue, perhaps a teacher or a counselor would be a better resource. However, I want to share that I read Pema Chodron's book The Wisdom of No Escape and the meditation technique she teaches at the beginning she teaches in this book really helped me a lot with stress, tension, anger, and anxiety. (The abridged version of this book is Awakening Loving-Kindness and it drops 4 chapters which really kind of lost the plot, so you can get this if you want to save some money.) She instructs to follow just the outbreath, and the instruction is to do it with "gentleness, precision, and letting go." I highly recommend to at least read this book anyway, because she discusses at length the importance of loving-kindness and especially toward yourself, and what she writes about it is just such a kindness. Honestly, Pema Chodron is such a great writer that I find all of her writings to be soothing just for reading them.

(P.S. This is a little silly, but if you decide to purchase WoNE, or any other Pema Chodron book, I recommend buying the "Shambhala Library" edition hardcover, if available, even though its more money. It's just such a nice book that fits nicely and comfortably in your hand. It makes it easy to read while in bed, on the bus.)

[TheJourney]

Truth39,

There is a list of symptoms associated with active kundalini. You might want to go to the website "biology of kundalini" and see the symptoms. It mentions throbbing of foot/leg as one of main signs.

In addition to seeking help as others have already suggested, you can also google "ailments associated with kundalini". Apparently, it covers a broad spectrum of symptoms.

Just my opinion, most of strange abnormal symptoms that occur during meditation are associated with kundalini. The Tao saying is very true. Where the mind goes, qi (prana) follows then blood follows. Whenever my mind is on my hand, I can feel energy movement within my hands/arms. My opinion is that body scan does induce qi flow. Even if you don't pinpoint a spot on your body, as long as the mind is waiting for sensation from a region the mind has brought attention to that region. This leads energy flow to that area. The more you do it, the more it active it will be.

I have done qi gong meditation where I breathe and imagine something in my hand flowing through my left arm to my heart and then as I exhale it flows through my right hand. At first, I felt nothing. After few practices, I can feel energy flowing in synchronicity with my breathe.

For this reason, I prefer passive vipassana rather than active vipassana.

[p340]

Truth39,

You already asked about this last year in March. The answer at the link below is quite comprehensive:

http://www.vipassanaforum.net/forum/index.php?topic=2694.msg27789#msg27789

Further answers from Quardamon, Goofaholix and Poojavassa in the same thread are beneficial for you to read and contemplate.

The meditation suggested is here:

http://www.vipassanaforum.net/forum/index.php?page=2

If you feel you can't do this alone, it may be worth seeking help from a mindfulness aware psychological therapist and/or someone who has specific training in working with dissociation and trauma.

Kind regards,

Matthew

+1

[Apkallu]

Truth39,

There is a list of symptoms associated with active kundalini. You might want to go to the website "biology of kundalini" and see the symptoms. It mentions throbbing of foot/leg as one of main signs.

In addition to seeking help as others have already suggested, you can also google "ailments associated with kundalini". Apparently, it covers a broad spectrum of symptoms.

Just my opinion, most of strange abnormal symptoms that occur during meditation are associated with kundalini. The Tao saying is very true. Where the mind goes, qi (prana) follows then blood follows. Whenever my mind is on my hand, I can feel energy movement within my hands/arms. My opinion is that body scan does induce qi flow. Even if you don't pinpoint a spot on your body, as long as the mind is waiting for sensation from a region the mind has brought attention to that region. This leads energy flow to that area. The more you do it, the more it active it will be.

I have done qi gong meditation where I breathe and imagine something in my hand flowing through my left arm to my heart and then as I exhale it flows through my right hand. At first, I felt nothing. After few practices, I can feel energy flowing in synchronicity with my breathe.

For this reason, I prefer passive vipassana rather than active vipassana.

I have the exact same issue.
For those who already developed energy (prana/Kundalini) and their ability to interact with it (Qi Qong, meditation developing energy etc) before trying vipassana, it is harder to begin with because you might have to distinguish real sensations that arise by themselves from those that arise by your internal look/intention (which are created at light-speed and intense when prana has developed)

I am tuning my attention to neutral observation which I guess would tend to be equanimity ?
This is crucial because one scan could be never ending and wrong confounding basic energy with natural sensations ?
Sometimes, I just focus on one point from a very large and powerful sensation.
Sometimes, I just go to a senseless region (because I could stay forever on a sensation that almost never ends if I look at it) and energy tends to rush here thus the need of equanimity/passive looking with which I struggle.
In the meantime, your body is full of energy movements and really distracting.
The hardest part is the head of course where ... you know what.

I am doing progress quite quick on this but still the main issue I face.
It is what you mean by passive vipassana ?

[Laurent]

Why not only to observe issues without taking part in it ?
You don't know about theories whether they're true or only representations of reality.
Buddha taughts us not to play imagination game, but to stick with direct experience, ever.
Are phenomenons the real concern ?
By meditating you are about to experiment more and more amazing phenomenons, so giving them importance will prevent you from droping them.
The first concern is mental quality you developp whose equanimity is the highlight.
Observing body and sensation is excellent, but you have to observe mind too.
You have to watch your own reactions, interest and expectations.
Practically, when you feel overwhelmed by sensations, you have a good opportunity to observe expectations, reactions or whatever mental agitation that raises.
When you clearly see them, you can drop them. This unwinds issues. When you ignore them, you can't. This sustains issues.


Kind regards.

[Apkallu]

Why not only to observe issues without taking part in it ?

Indeed but easier to say than to do for me.
You can't switch 100% from intention to just observing over a day.

You don't know about theories whether they're true or only representations of reality.
Buddha taughts us not to play imagination game, but to stick with direct experience, ever.
Are phenomenons the real concern ?

True. Still, this is not just imagination or just internal as relatives can experience it too. Even though matter/energy are said to be an illusion (which I did not experience yet).

By meditating you are about to experiment more and more amazing phenomenons, so giving them importance will prevent you from droping them.
The first concern is mental quality you developp whose equanimity is the highlight.
Observing body and sensation is excellent, but you have to observe mind too.
You have to watch your own reactions, interest and expectations.
Practically, when you feel overwhelmed by sensations, you have a good opportunity to observe expectations, reactions or whatever mental agitation that raises.
When you clearly see them, you can drop them. This unwinds issues. When you ignore them, you can't. This sustains issues.

Thank you.
This is what I try to do but this is rather hard with all that messing energy !
I actually try to keep a watcher at a distance instead of that intention and try to determine all the causal chain between mental and physical processes experienced.
Sometimes, I am making breakthroughs among that storm but God knows I would have preferred starting with no such overwhelming sensations.

So, should I focus on every sensation until it vanishes whatever the time it could take me to scan the whole body ?

Kind regards.

P.S.: My firstname is Laurent too !

[Laurent]

Hello,

Well, are you french ?

What i mean is sometimes you could try to observe the person who suffers inconveniences instead of observing inconveniences themselves.
This means to radically "unzoom" your sight at an overall level to see what is the real hindrance. The real hindrance is not the sensation itself but the reaction of mind to it (aversion). As seen in Buddha's teaching (and Goenka's) :

contact -> sensation -> craving -> (problems)

Good luck !

[Apkallu]

Yes, this is what I try to do.
And yes, I am French 

Merci.

[Falcon122]

Hello , I am practicing every day doing combination of yoga, practical exercises and meditation.
I think it is just the best for your safety to do the practice in a team and have a teacher or an instructor that can build up an appropriate program for you. You are working with the light (energy of life) it usually starts the purification process, basically cleaning your pshyhophysics . Meditation can work to some extant if you are doing it just because... because it is just a spiritual materialism and you don't implement the practice into your life. If you are actually on the path and seeking answers for existantial questions I would recommend you to try a place with a High purpose. I just came from a retreat and I feel so alive and happy that my connection with nature, with life itself is stronger than ever, I am getting deeper and deeper into the moment and now I am implementing the practice into my everyday life. I found this source of endless depth and steeliness that I can act from disregarding the brain reactions and translate the constant happiness for others. The school has 43 awaken people in the team already, definitely worth a try... Good luck on your path https://en.givinschool.org/