Obsessive attachment to wife

[Artisticwatching]

I've recently become very attached to my wife, I want to be with her all the time I love her showing me attention which I believe has become unhealthy. I've tried to observe thus emotional state with mindfulness but easily get caught back up. I understand I should accept what is true right now but I'm afraid it's going to start affecting my relationship. Is there a practice I can do to minimise attachment.

Alex

[siddharthgode]

Ahh the miseries of attachments.

Just let go of thinking. Do what u like. Same time build ur mental strength. Trust in yourself to be able to face future. Be happy.

[Matthew]

Examine the feelings instead of reacting to them. Don't go running to your wife, sit still like a log and listen to your feelings, find out what is really going on: it will not be about your wife at all, it will be about a sense of loss or emptiness or fear or something else inside of you.

Learn what is driving this. Be ready to feel grief or loss when you do this. It is very likely. Of something comes up don't run from it or cling to it: examine it.  "Better is one day in the life of someone who perceives the rise and fall of things than a lifetime of one who is not knowing".

[Artisticwatching]

Thank you Matthew, when you say be ready to feel grief or loss does this mean losing my wife? I still don't quite understand what solutions I'll get by looking within.

[Laurent]

practice asubha 
I am joking ...but it is efficient though.
You can also practice equanimity, metta equanimity. Your loving kindness is better than your passion even for your close relations.
By wishing peace and happiness to all beings ,including your ennemies, you can restore a bit of equanimity.

[Matthew]

Thank you Matthew, when you say be ready to feel grief or loss does this mean losing my wife? I still don't quite understand what solutions I'll get by looking within.

Don't think you read my post or perhaps it was poorly expressed:

... find out what is really going on: it will not be about your wife at all, it will be about a sense of loss or emptiness or fear or something else inside of you.
...

This has nothing to do with your wife. It has everything to do with the conditioned and habitual nature of your mind - most of which is currently subconscious/unconscious.

When I said be prepared for loss or grief it is because the way you are acting out towards your wife shows there is a gaping hole, a vacuum, within the fabric of your being. You are trying to fill your sense of lack by over- compensating with clinging to your wife.

What this is and how it got there I don't know. What I do know is the best hope for the long term happiness of you - and your wife - is probably to find out ... within the process of doing so you will in all likelihood experience some grief and or realisation of loss.

I'd suggest you read this: www.jimhopper.com/mindfulness/
And perhaps the Shamatha instruction on the homepage which is a gentle "in" to the potential roller coaster of getting in deep with knowing yourself through mediation.

Kindly,
Matthew

[Artisticwatching]

Thank you Lauren and Matthew, I forgot to add I do practice insight for an hour a day already but I can look into adding some metta. I do feel quite inferior at the moment, somewhat not good enough.

Thank you

[Matthew]

I do feel quite inferior at the moment, somewhat not good enough.

Find out what the depths of that teach you. It may take time.

[Artisticwatching]

When you say teach Matthew do you mean I may learn u need to change something in my outside world/life. Or that I'm feeling this way due to past experiences that have shaped me.

Thank you

[Matthew]

Artisticwatching,

One, both or something different ... only you will find out and not by chasing answers or obsessing. You have to learn to RELAX, develop concentration, equanimity, compassion and insight - by undertaking regular meditation.

Then you will have created the conditions for your mind to expand consciousness into what is not now conscious.

Matthew

[Nicky]

I've recently become very attached to my wife, I want to be with her all the time I love her showing me attention which I believe has become unhealthy. I've tried to observe thus emotional state with mindfulness but easily get caught back up. I understand I should accept what is true right now but I'm afraid it's going to start affecting my relationship. Is there a practice I can do to minimise attachment.

'Mindfulness' does not mean to simply observe & accept, without judging. In reality, mindfulness means to bring wisdom to experience; i.e., to 'remember' to apply Buddhist principles. Thus, mindfulness has been called 'the gatekeeper', which allows good things in & keeps harmful things out.

You must always remember (be mindful) a relationship is a mutual dependency & mutual interaction. It is about communication.

Therefore, always ask your wife what she wants.

Change your focus from what you want to what she wants. Then, both of you can live in tune & harmony with each other's needs & wants.

If you attach too much, are controlling, too demanding or too possessive, you will defeat your own purpose & burst your own dream.

The Buddha taught a relationship requires four qualities: (i) honest communication (sacca); (ii) training in self-improvement (dama); (iii) patience; forbearance (khanti) ; & (iv) giving/sharing/sacrifice (caga). Thus, in your situation, patience & giving/sharing/sacrifice is something you can train in for self-improvement.

Regards