Author Topic: Meditation for Neediness, Fear of Rejection and Building Inner Confidence  (Read 2425 times)

Meditative

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Hi everyone,

What I want to discuss today is issues I have with, fear of rejection, neediness, and confidence.

So I've noticed that I spend a lot of time numbing myself to and escaping life via smoking weed, browsing the internet, video games, and things of that nature. I've recently become sick of living this way, so I've decided to work on myself socially, specifically talking to and dating beautiful women that I meet in my day to day life. The last month I've been opening up and talking to more women, but as a result of this I've inevitably been rejected. Rejection isn't the worst thing in the world, but when I get rejected by a girl I really like, I instantly get such intense emotions of worthlessness and self-doubt. When such emotions arise my mind just constantly tells me how worthless I am and projects all these worst case scenarios into the future. It's straight up madness.. and the worst of it generally subsides within a day or so. I still get thoughts such as "damn she rejected me.. this totally sucks.. we could have been such a great match," but those go away after a week.

Now because of the pain of rejection causes me, I have a huge fear of getting rejected. I find myself most of the time avoiding conversations with girls that I really like or find extremely attractive due to fear of them thinking I'm weird, awkward, needy and then rejecting me. This fear is extremely paralyzing to the point it's preventing me from expanding socially. Pickup artists on Youtube generally advise to keep talking to girls and get rejected again and again and again until you become indifferent to rejection. I plan on doing this, but can sitting meditation help me build the confidence and equanimity when those paralyzing fears surface?

Last thing, when I find a girl that I like who likes me back, I sort of narrow my focus just on her which causes me to totally miss other opportunities to meet women that I may connect with better. I try not to show it, but inside I feel so needy.. like I need someone to love and love me back in order to feel fulfilled. This is a scarcity mindset which really limits my expansion, and ultimately I want to transform it into an abundance mindset. I just want to know the most effective ways to do this.

Can meditation help me transcend or overcome these paralyzing feelings of neediness and fear of rejection? I want to be free and oozing with confidence, but I feel so stuck and enslaved by these emotions. Funny thing is I didn't really know I could be this way until I started taking more risks socially. A technique I was suggested to use is to sink into these emotions,feel them totally, and breath through them which will help release resistance toward them. What is your guys' advice?

Thanks in advance, this really means a lot to me.


Attachless

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Basically non-resistance does help when dealing with doubts etc. Which is basically equanimous observation, or "feeling without restricting" which is all basically the same and aims at not suppressing what is there, for suppressed cannot be dealt with and remains an influence imo. So, even if it`s "dark stuff", not going against it but counterintuitively doing the opposite and letting all the more or less "unwanted" stuff there, just as being as it is, the reality of that moment, it`s more or less able to be released / felt through/ dealt with / some sort of that thing IME.

Mh, fear of rejection / neediness builts from thinking that anyone or anything can essentially fulfill you or make you happy - or that you on your own can`t do that / be fulfilled / need something to be filled or fulfill you. I - personally - can`t give advice on that really.. just from my own experience, whenever I get needy (in any way, signalizing dependence on getting good reactions from friends, girls, co-workers, whoever, and not being authentic, which is the essence of being not-needy.. not needing something and hence playing the "all I do is to get something" game, "please give me love/approval/something").. I will refocus on the present moment (oh, can you be more abstract please?).. thing is, in my experience, as I`ve grown in meditation, which is just happily being focused and perceiving the presence of this moment, from moment to moment, as it is, not putting any requirements on the moment to be a certain way, this way or that way, this circumstances or that circumstances, I became essentially, or better yet, my happiness, became more unconditional. I don`t set conditions on my happiness, which stems from my awareness and acceptance of the presence which in turn fulfills me on its on.

SUMMARY: Whenever I get needy, I take it as a sign of lack of presence. I am not present enough, I am not soaking in the moment, I am not equanimous at all, I am resisting the moment, not relaxed, lack has been created that I assume is to be filled in the outside (peoples reactions, girls, money, fame, whatever that is) but can actually be filled with happiness sustained by enough presence and love (I just recently really got the handle of feeling "love" in terms of "Metta" within my body authentically "on command").

When I get needy (in any way; could be with co-workers or seeking approval of anyone really; or when I get socially akward or when I have to deal with inner turmoil; sometimes I get a bit angry or mad and it`s hard for me to not translate it into word and speech) - in both cases I go back to "extreme mindfulness" - I stop, I get aware of where my awareness is - not in my hands, obviously, and use my whole body sensations or breath (or whatever seems right in that moment to focus on) to center myself in this experience, as it is, again, and regain my balance; knowingly that my balance can be only sustained and -really- created within myself.

Know that no one will make you ever happy. For me it helps to know (or got to know) that I can be totally happy with myself and as myself. As my meditation deepened, which is to say, my awareness and includingness of the present moment increased and my capability to do so, my self-acceptance rose immensely. My ability to express myself rose immensely. My self-respect rose. I looooove expressing myself, which is to say, go after those moment-by-moment impulses that children naturally express fluently (in the way they move / speak/ dance etc.). We all have this still but it got conditioned to be suppressed. Meditation reconnects me with this inner playfulness, helps me HEAR it again and gives me the strength and indifference to "act it out" - and most people love it. They laugh. They connect with it. They feel its authenticy. I like myself most when I`m authentic, myself. I`m not authentic when I`m needy. I`m not present and equanimous when I`m needy. I`m not authentic, thereof, if I`m not meditative, present with the reality of this moment.

Another basic tipps I could give are these two: establishing healthy habits (whatever suits you - me, most essential, meditation first priority because it is foundational for my whole life experience; second: sports and healthy living, which means yoga 20 minutes a day, some workout the other day and eating and drinking healthy foods only). This in itself creates a good center of "abundance" in yourself, because you take care of yourself, you make yourself feel good and healthy on a day to day basis. And by that, cut out the negative things (knowingly this establishing and cutting out is both a process and not an immediate thing to do). It takes time.

Secondly, have some purpose outside of women (or whatever it is); your priority should not be the woman; we are more masculine energy, we need some direction in life (at least, I think for myself, most men do), and lack thereof shows. When I`m with my current girlfriend, and I know that my purpose lies mostly in meditation, then in being a healthy human being by taking care of my body etc, and (right now) growing as a person, writing on novel etc., I can give my time and attention to her 100%, but my anchor does not lie within her, but myself. When I notice my anchor starts to lie within her, my positive emotions I receive only out of her, I stop myself and reconnect myself with things I have influence on: my purposes (or whatever you would call it.. being present, equanimously happy etc.). Baseline: be fulfilled on your own, not making yourself dependent on others. Funny thing - only then (independence) can you really establish "sane" and "healthy" relationships, because then there is not the "I only give to get" game, but you can interact authentically with eachotehr, without hidden agendas (such as these mentioned). It`s a giving and sharing, in best case of course.

I hope it helps some. Inner confidence, then, would be the result of all these steps taken and principles lived out, kinda. It thereof is a side-product of "right living" (whatever that means for oneself), and not to be created directly, kind of.

To find unconditional happiness we have to dig deep, which means to not place any conditions on the present moment to feel happy. And meditation, also, is an exercise in this, as we deepen our ability to perceive the present moment as it is, and remaining equanimously with it, not wanting to change it in any way. That is, to not place any conditions on it, and thereof, on ones happiness. Or fulfillment. We can feel fulfilled at any time, and nothing can really fulfill us at all is what I`m trying to express I think; paradoxically.

Cheers mate
« Last Edit: July 28, 2016, 09:39:56 AM by Attachless »
to be or not to be - one hardly notices the subtlety

Matthew

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Hi Meditative,

Attachless has given some very good advice. This in particular sums up a big mistake many make, and the way out of it:

Quote from: Attachless
... my anchor does not lie within her, but myself. When I notice my anchor starts to lie within her, my positive emotions I receive only out of her, I stop myself and reconnect myself with things I have influence on ...

This is very wise advice. You take into any relationship all of who you are, yet when people stop identifying as an individual engaged in a relationship with another individual, and instead identify themselves principally in terms of the relationship, as a "we" not as two individuals, that is where the real trouble starts: one has put the locus of being outside of oneself and into the relationship. It's a recipe for disaster somewhere down the line.

The only thing I would add is in relation to this:

Quote from: Meditative
So I've noticed that I spend a lot of time numbing myself to and escaping life via smoking weed, browsing the internet, video games, and things of that nature.

It takes time for all that crap to come out of your system. Weed in particular has much longer lasting effects than most realise. It can and probably will take 2-3 months of not smoking weed before the THC stored in your body fat gets reduced to a level where, one day, you will wake up just feeling clear headed in a much deeper way, and from this flows a real connection to the present moment that the weed (and other distractions) will have kept you from.

All of these distractions are ways of not being present, so don't give yourself a hard time about it. You've decided to make some changes and it will take time for those to become ingrained. Looking for the company of women could become another form of distraction for you - and in any case, while the residual crap works it's way out of your system you won't be present enough to truly be yourself. Which means you will likely find rejection. Find yourself first and then, when you are present and clear headed, your efforts to engage in social relationships of any kind will flow more freely and have an authenticity that people will be drawn to.

Be well,

Matthew
~oOo~     Tat Tvam Asi     ~oOo~    How will you make the world a better place today?     ~oOo~    Fabricate Nothing     ~oOo~

Middleway

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Have you contemplated what causes all those negative emotions to arise in you? Constant thinking about sense objects causes attachment towards them. Attachment creates desire. Desire creates anger and self doubt when your desires are not fulfilled. Anger leads to delusion and delusion leads to losing ones mental balance.

How about you decide you will not have any expectations for six months. Just talk to all those beautiful women without any expectations. Just be yourself and have fun talking to them like you talk with your close friends and family members. You will be naturally confident and at ease. Then watch what happens as it happens without any expectations.

Warm regards,

Middleway
Take everything I say with a grain of salt.

purity

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I think the first step is to accept fully where you are at right now. Accept yourself like you would accept your own child if they were, scared, sad etc.      Dating beautiful women is enjoyable and may bring you pleasure if you're lucky but in the end everything good and beautiful, everything we desire,  only brings suffering.   As you can see it is already bringing you suffering every time you are rejected. This isn't to say that you should not enjoy life's pleasures but to chase them in the hope that they will bring lasting happiness is a mistake. Try chatting and dating with no expectations. Notice how you feel with detachment.  It's ok to feel needy, to feel alone and rejected. We all experience these things. Do not react. Just let them be. They are as impermanent as the pleasure you seek.


Meditative

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Attachless:.  I have recently started creating good habits such as: exercising 4 times a week, cutting out junk food, eating way more vegetables, meditation for at least 30 minutes every day. I’m basically taking more care of myself in a holistic fashion. I’m not the most disciplined person but working on it.

I agree that having a purpose outside of women is very important. Aside from taking more care of myself, I’m also going to school studying exercise science and nutrition which I’m pretty excited about. I’ve found it really helps to release resistance when I accept everything I’m experiencing with love and telling myself that everything is in divine order and meant to be. Thanks for the advice man, you always give very helpful and thorough responses.

Matthew- Thanks I have cut weed out for about a week and I feel so much more clarity, presence, and emotional stability. It’s nice to hear that it will get even better. When I find myself being more present, authentic and in a flow state, socializing and life in general seem so much easier. Everything becomes so effortless… but these moments are few and far between.

MiddleWay- This is silly, but back in the 6th grade this girl I really liked and trusted used me and ripped my heart out. I was only 13 at the time but the emotions were very potent. I remember being depressed for the first time and it lasted sooo long.. I think I may have suppressed it and created wall around myself which is still here to this day (I’m 23 now)..  Because after that year my personality totally shifted from innocent, free, not concerned with what ppl think to the complete opposite. Maybe puberty had something to do with it too haha. Anyways thanks for the advice, I’m learning how to be detached and free from outcome.

Purity: I agree, it makes all the difference when I’m able to totally accept my experience as it is and love myself as if I were a scared rejected child. When I’m able to do this successfully my emotions almost instantly shift to the polar opposite. I am working on having no expectations, but at the same time trusting life.

« Last Edit: July 30, 2016, 07:22:32 PM by Meditative »

purity

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Purity: I agree, it makes all the difference when I’m able to totally accept my experience as it is and love myself as if I were a scared rejected child. When I’m able to do this successfully my emotions almost instantly shift to the polar opposite. I am working on having no expectations, but at the same time trusting life.

Me too. Its a difficult path but its worth it and we are all on it together  :)

Attachless

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Attachless:.  I have recently started creating good habits such as: exercising 4 times a week, cutting out junk food, eating way more vegetables, meditation for at least 30 minutes every day. I’m basically taking more care of myself in a holistic fashion. I’m not the most disciplined person but working on it.

I agree that having a purpose outside of women is very important. Aside from taking more care of myself, I’m also going to school studying exercise science and nutrition which I’m pretty excited about. I’ve found it really helps to release resistance when I accept everything I’m experiencing with love and telling myself that everything is in divine order and meant to be. Thanks for the advice man, you always give very helpful and thorough responses.

I don`t know if everything is in divine order and especially meant to be, my perspective is too restricted to judge that.. but it helps me to accept things as they are, for the sake of how things are as they are :-P Because going against things we cannot change does only create bad things for me. It does no single good; enough reason to accept :-P

And discipline itself seems to be a habit we can establish. Although it in itself needs discipline to create the habit of discipline.. woot? :-D One gets stronger as one climbs the mountain. Near the peak one will have become a different man - or so the saying. It`s more or less about the very step we take right now, and that it be in the right direction that matters.

All best :-)
to be or not to be - one hardly notices the subtlety

 

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