Hi Purity
Blaming or judging you for your own lack of progression or for difficulties we have in understanding each other here on the forum would be easy. It’s how our minds like to go about things: creating stories, stories in which the responsibility or faults lie outside of our self.
I have learned that telling stories is what my mind likes to do, but I also learned that I can let the story go and come back to something real and present. I can let the reactivity of my mind/body calm down and look within. What’s this all about?
This leads me among other things to question my motivation to write on this forum. My motivation here is to reach out to other human beings, who are facing the same feelings of anger, confusion and feeling lost (among others) as I am, and who are struggling with the same tendencies to want things differently, and who are telling themselves the same deluded stories as I am.
Written words is all we have on a forum and written words leave a lot of room for interpretation. Mostly then, we interpret words from our own perspective, which unfortunately is exactly what we’re trying to free us from.
So, I see and accept that my words will not always be felt or understood as intended. If my words are not helpful, well, then, they are not helpful. You are not to blame. I still struggle with all this, telling myself stories about how incapable I am, about what other people here must think about me, etc.
The beauty of it all is that in every moment we can wake up and see through the stories.
And although this process of waking up, of liberating ourselves from these conditioned patterns of thinking, feeling and acting, also brings us a sense of ease, quiet mind-states and pleasant experiences, these mind-states and experiences are not the goal. Anyone promising you differently is misleading you. Our own expectations are also misleading. In the beginning of the meditation process I often thought “Now I’ve understood. From now on life will be easy.” We all know it doesn’t work that war. Difficult things remain difficult.
I am very weary of people who are overenthusiastic about their practice, even though I also was in the early stages. But my experience is that it is often difficult, painful or unpleasant to wake up and see things for what they are. So even though I am sometimes overthrown with deep contentment, I will try to remain humble. Everything is impermanent. You never know what will come next.
From this perspective, I would personally not give any promises. Meditation is an experiment beyond our control. I would instead encourage people who want to embark on such a path to clarify their intentions: if you’re looking for relaxation and quietness, in which you don’t have to own up to how you unconsciously shape your own experience, there are a lot of different practices that can help you. But if you are prepared to look within to what is actually there and surrender control, then a liberating process can unfold, even though this requires more than a regulare meditation practice.
So, if liberation is what you’re after, and if you’re prepared to look within, the invitation stands: you are welcome to explore theses things with fellow human beings who are not that different from you and who are genuinely trying to figure all this out.
You said you wouldn’t post here anymore. I respect that. But also feel free to come back. You are welcome as you are, with your doubts, frustrations, and confusion, even anger.
Kind regards,
Alex