Hey, I have something I sometimes struggle with. Basically it's like when I establish certain qualities of mind (calmness, steadyness, peacefulness, clear in perception) and also carry them into the day, and the moment I loose this focus and balance and get into what probably is "normal", getting torn by everday experiences (so being object to external experiences in regards to me being in peace or not), I have this contrast due to meditation that normally wouldn't be there, so from "external events not having impact on my peaceful mind" going to the opposite (which, prior to meditating, was the standard 24/7 I suppose), so before I had established a peaceful mind regardless of experiences, it was not much of a problem, but now with having this contrast when I "loose it" - sometimes not able to get it back until next sitting - I start to hate meditation, because although it enriches daily life, it - by creating this contrast - makes the lack of peacefulness almost unbearable, as if something fundamental is missing, which ends in me making my peacefulness dependent on this peacefulness (which is regardless of external circumstances), which then places conditions on me having a peaceful balanced mind, together with a desire to "not be out of peace" - which both make it worse, especially if I try too hard or fail to get back into a steady, calm state of mind.
Can someone relate to this and maybe help out with experiences in regards to dealing with this, and whether this is also bound to pass (or learned to be handled by keeping up the practice?), because sometimes this makes me want to stop, due to the uncomfortable contrast it often creates (in relation to "not practicing at all", which simply takes away the contrast and hence the explicit awareness of being unfocused and kind of scattered and unpeaceful, so basically being in that state most of the time, but not being aware of it).
Kind of could lead to the fundamental question whether suffering is that bad if one is not really aware of it and how to deal with the practice increasing awareness of suffering and hence seemingly increasing suffering itself (instead of eliminating the roots of it).
And what could be done to counteract this? I found that maybe I don't practice so little that it has no impact on daily life, but maybe I also lack the consistency (and in contrast "practice enough") as to make the impact on daily life being more consistent as well, and less unsteady at times (leading to the described above), hence it maybe being just some stage between a not utterly established routine and an established routine.
It makes me love and hate it though, and I really want to get over the hate thing, which seems to occur when I can't "hold" the practice during the day to such a degree that it's strongly noticeable (before/after having/loosing focus/peace of mind). This is amplified by the fact that I'm sometimes akward, most likely in social situations, and me being in a focused peaceful mind of state changes that to the good, hence loosing stableness of mind from one moment to another kicks in harshly sometimes, because it will translate to speech and action eventually. It takes away ease, sometimes charme, and coolness of being often. And even despite it, say I'm alone enjoying a cup of tea, loosing peace makes even the act of drinking tea as uneasy as my mind is. Having got to known this makes me even more unease when lposing ease (refering to focused calm mind that is usually attained by practice). In Vipassana terms simply put "when I loose attentiveness and equanimity, even the most best things will suck, and with it, even mundane things will be most rich and profound." and this translates to any experience as described above and makes me hate and love the practice at times. How to get over the hate? By getting to past a certain level of "skill" in regards to practice and in regards to holding it at a consistent level throughout the day?
I have only my past experiences in regards to that question, but accounts from others would really help in regards to this in terms of validity, or whether I'm on a totally wrong approach here. But that's really been bothering me for some time now, especially when you can't blame external circumstances anymore for feeling off balance or grumpsy, but you lack the ability to get back in balance during daily activity right away and kind of get too involved.
Thanks, Dominic