Author Topic: Intensely dark morbid thoughts/ feelings of greed, hatred, power, disgust..  (Read 2379 times)

snaxks

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    • lay
I was doing some meditation, and I realized that throughout my entire life I have been controlled by a lot of guilt, most of the time it has been guilt that I have taken on myself even though it hasn't been my fault. I realized that guilt was my primary motivating factor in life. Suddenly I saw that guilt pervaded all of my life..

But slowly as I started dropping my guilt, intense feelings of hatred and REALLY dark thoughts and feelings started to arise. It began with me seeing how people are easily manipulated by invoking guilt into them and thus as a very powerful way to controll them, ( This became more evident as I have been manipulated myself by destructive people, but I wasn't driven by revenge by this insight towards, instead I just sensed that they were pure geniuses in being able to get exactly what THEY WANT from people), and since I was very mindful of my emotions, I didn't let any guilt come in and interfere with the process of me thinking these negative thoughts..

It becomes a feeling of total power and controll that just feeds itself, it is very alluring and seductive and I can sense that there is an element of greed to it in the body.. Its complex feeling but the best way to describe it is that it becomes more pleasant the more " dark " thoughts you start thinking and how you can gain control, since you aren't controlled by the emotion " guilt "..

It really feels that you are becoming DRUNK ON POWER..


I can totally disconnect myself from the guilt of having these thoughts and as I continue ( not letting the guilt interfere with the process of experiencing these intensely negative emotions & thoughts) they just grow stronger.. In fact this is why I am writing because they got so bizarre so rapidly when i just " let them be "..

Murder, death, chaos, havoc, greed, power, no empathy, explotation, manipulation..

I became a little scared of all of these thoughts since they just grew very rapidly, i just saw " dark " pictures in all of these themes and it wasn't very alluring anymore. I am not saying that this is something I am pursuing, that this is something that I want, (becoming more and more allured).

I just sense thought that this part of me that I am currently experiencing is indeed very very very dark and morbid. It feels like an intensely ruthless ego or something. I just don't know.. And it feels that it is veeery very deep below my ordinary conscious mind.. The first thing that came to my mind is that these experiences are fetters such as greed and hatred. Feeding each other..  Or is this some very repressed anger/hatred/revenge that I have? I just don't know.

My intuition is telling me that I should observe these things and not judge them and let them be, but I need more experienced answers from people.

What should I do? What is this? Should I just accept that I am feeling all these negative emotions/thoughts and let them be? Observe them?
Metta meditation?

Your answers are highly valued.
« Last Edit: December 04, 2014, 05:00:23 AM by snaxks »
You begin to look upon yourself as if you were a newspaper photograph. When viewed with the naked eyes, the photograph you see is a definite image. When viewed through a magnifying glass, it all breaks down into an intricate configuration of dots.

snaxks

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http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/the-dark-knight-of-the-souls/372766/

He panicked. Increasingly vivid pornographic fantasies and repressed memories from his childhood began to surface.

"I just started freaking out," he says, "and at some point, I just surrendered to the onslaught of unwanted sexual thoughts … a sexual Rolodex of every taboo." As soon as he did, however, "there was some goodness to it." After years of pushing away his emotional, instinctual drives, something inside David was "reattached," he says.



I really feel that this is the same thing this dude is talking about.. Not neccessarily pornographic, but the same dark themes.

I am seeing some pretty morbid stuff. Yeah, however I am very calm right now..
You begin to look upon yourself as if you were a newspaper photograph. When viewed with the naked eyes, the photograph you see is a definite image. When viewed through a magnifying glass, it all breaks down into an intricate configuration of dots.

Matthew

  • The Irreverent Buddhist
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  • Meditation: It's a D.I.Y. project.
    • KISS: Keep it simple stupid.
    • Getting nowhere slowly and enjoying every moment.
If you squeeze a spot pus comes out.

Your mind is showing you it's poisonous thoughts, accept them with equanimity: there is no way forward that does not involve bringing them into awareness. Otherwise you'll be suppressing them.

Metta can help. Not just on the cushion: when you see someone being an arse or feel some other negative towards them realise they are deluded, wish them to wake up, if you are involved try to remain calm and ensure your engagement is towards peace, harmony and helping deluded people see their own crap.
~oOo~     Tat Tvam Asi     ~oOo~    How will you make the world a better place today?     ~oOo~    Fabricate Nothing     ~oOo~

Vivek

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    • Advaita & U Ba Khin's tradition
Quote
My intuition is telling me that I should observe these things and not judge them and let them be
Exactly. Follow your intuitive wisdom. Also, remember that mindful observation is a skill that takes time and persistence to develop. So, cheerfully and with strong determination, continue your practice.
Let's go beyond this illusion, shall we?

Tobin

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Thank you for your courage in sharing snaxks. I myself have recently only begun to discover and become aware of overwhelming feelings of anger. It's like a blockage in my chest that I can't completely contact and in some ways am terrified to. I will follow the advice from you and others here. Wishing you the best and I hope you are able to work through it in a safe, effective way.
Regards,
Tobin

Tobin

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  • Seeking Truth
    • Samatha & Vipassana
    • Curious
If you have repressed anger(or any other built up emotion), and lots of it, is there a way to bring it to the surface to deal with it quicker?
Regards,
Tobin

Matthew

  • The Irreverent Buddhist
  • Staff
  • Meditation: It's a D.I.Y. project.
    • KISS: Keep it simple stupid.
    • Getting nowhere slowly and enjoying every moment.
Yes Tobin, relax and make space for it to show itself whilst remaining equanimous (but not disinterested).
~oOo~     Tat Tvam Asi     ~oOo~    How will you make the world a better place today?     ~oOo~    Fabricate Nothing     ~oOo~

andyebarnes67

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    • Thai Forest Tradition. Vipassana
Totally agree with previous comments pointing to simply observing with equanimity.
Two suggestions:
1. Be careful not to let the observing of these emotions and thoughts becoming an attachment in itself. This process can be very cathartic and can turn into almost a guilty pleasure. 'I am facing up to my 'dark side' and am not swayed from my 'safe' space as the observer'. If we enjoy any part of practice too much, we need to re-examine our approach and attitude.
2. This, perhaps more than any other, is a stage at which the value of having a good teacher with which we can confide and seek advice is the greatest. I have had meditation described to me before as surgery of the mind. It can be dangerous if not done correctly. Expert, personal, guidance is wise.
What I write is neither right or wrong. It just is

 

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