curios experiences while meditating, normal?

[Santino]

Hello all in the vipassana forum,

I´m 26 years old, male and I live in Germany. I meditated first time when I was 23, after I cut my relationship to my girlfriend. After a bit of practice (maybe 3 weeks) I experienced a feeling of being connected with all, and I felt valuable, alive and healthy, although different autoimmune diseases began to occur which "only" affect my appearance (loss of hair and skin pigmentation).

I experienced these feelings 2 or 3 times deeply while meditating and this gave me so much happiness and confidence and trust in myself. It was wonderful because my well-being seemed to be less dependent of my appearance (beauty), health and especially of the validation of other people like my ex- girlfriend.

But the autoimmune diseases got worse and I stopped meditating, because I felt good after experiencing these deep feelings of love. I felt there was no need to exercise to get calm. Maybe I felt "a bit" enlightened because I experienced this "love".

After maybe 2 months, when the autoimmune diseases got worse I developed a anxiety disorder with panic attacks because I was afraid others could see my weakness (the autoimmune-diseases). I also often had depressive episodes about 2-5 days.

I could manage the anxiety disorder on my own in about 1 year. I reached this with changing my behavior and thoughts which/about anxiety and with more acceptance of the diseases.

 I actually don´t have panic attacks anymore. But still I am unhappy person. I rarely feel happy, although I could be happy when I see my life relative to the life of others. I sometimes have depressive episodes for 2 to 7 days with sleep disorder in that time. The autoimmune diseases get worse very slowly but constant. There is nothing I can do against it.

I started therapy in December 2013 because of the depressive episodes. I had to look at my experiences with my father and grandpa and my growing up in an environment that makes me often feel inferior, worthless. I would say I had a beautiful childhood because of growing up in nature.

But my father and my grandpa where strict, they often had stress with each other and they communicated that I am only good and lovable for people when I am friendly and when I am good in something.


This is where I had to look at while doing the therapy and I am still in therapy.
So far about me and my life.


But why do I write here?

The reason is that I experienced very curios feelings and sensations while meditating, which brought me to the point where I stopped meditating about 1 year ago. 3 days ago I started again, just to try and because something in me says, that this is the right way.

I loved the experience of love and the feeling of being very calm and lovable without being good in something. Just because I am. I felt like being in contact with what different religions call god or consciousness. That was the motivation for me to meditate. To experience the contact to "god".

1 Year ago when I meditated and when I gave up the control about me and just focussed on my breath, I reached a point where my heart rate got very fast and I got kind of aroused, also sexually aroused. I had no thoughts, no pictures, just observed what happens. But when I did this, I did not feel good afterwards. Sometimes I felt very bad or was afraid again. I did not reach a calm state but more often a very aroused state. And it was very curios for me because I could´t understand what happens?!

Why starts my heart to beat very fast and my breath getting fast as if I am very angry, afraid or shortly before orgasm?
Why do I feel a blood flow in my genital region as if I am sexually aroused?
When I just observed what happened and stayed aware it just cames again and again, over and over without any feeling of rightness or progress? There where no pictures or other signs.

I thought it be something I suppressed. Maybe anger or something I am but I do not want to be, for example being gay or so. (I am not gay, but I would accept it if it was so)

I then stopped meditating and used other relaxation methods as the method of jacobson, because the relaxation component was very important for me for reducing stress and don´t fall back into the anxiety disorder.


As I began again 3 days ago, I reached a very deep state the third day. It was like I had the option to give up control and trust "god" or to stop. As i did always when I meditated I had the attitude to accept what comes and trust, just observe whats happens then. It felt like giving up the control about what happens next. And as if I would let something get INTO me. I would call this something "god". It was so curios what happened.

I again felt a blood flow into my genital region as if was sexually aroused. I consciously trusted and let go my resistance. I know this "process" from having sex. The point where you loose control and you are shortly before orgasm. It was this kind of feeling. The feeling of giving up resistance and give up control. I then felt a deep relaxation from my muscles and felt as if I was in deep trance, but also a feeling of getting aroused (heart rate went up, breathing rate went up). After this, when I meditated further I experienced the same but not as deeply as before. After this "session" I felt bad an depressed without any reason. That was yesterday.

Today I meditated again and I experienced nothing special. No calmness, no arousal, just observed my breath flowing in and out. I had very less thoughts.


My question is, if somebody experienced something which is equal?
 I am insecure if meditating is good for me. I don´t want to meditate and then be more afraid or depressed after meditating.

Thank you very much for your attention if you read my post.

Kind regards,

Santino

[Alistair]

Hi Santino

I can't say that I have experienced the same sexual arousment as you but I have experienced deep anxiety and depression when meditating, I think it's quite common that at first meditation makes you calm and peaceful but when your practice grows you will open up doors to your mind that have been closed for a very long time, sitting with the anxiety worked for me.
   The anxiety has something to tell you, dont push it away just sit with it even if it feels like it will engulf you.

[Santino]

Hello Alistair,

thanks for your reply.

What do you mean with "worked for me"? What happened?

And how often/how long did you experience this?

I can't´t unterstand depression because depression means that somebody suppresses something or himself. While meditating I do the opposite because I let everything in me be as it is.

So I can´t understand this.

Kind regards

[Matthew]

Santino,

I can't´t unterstand depression because depression means that somebody suppresses something or himself. While meditating I do the opposite because I let everything in me be as it is.

So I can´t understand this.

The ego/self is a bit like an onion, there can be many layers of suppression/repression of buried things from the past. It can take time, sometimes a long time, for all to surface.

The fact that you are experiencing depression feelings makes me suspect that some time soon your practice may lead you to remembering/being mindful of one of the layers of "the onion" and whatever secrets it is hiding.

In my experience of Meditation the mind usually only allow things to surface when you are ready to cope with the knowing that will arise.

So in this context I would suggest you continue to develop calm and stable mind through practice and don't worry too much, anything the mind needs to release will be released when you are in the "right place" for it. Chasing it won't help (will just make you more anxious). Trust the wisdom of your mind to guide the process.

I hope that makes sense to you and helps.

Kindly,

Matthew

[Santino]

Thanks Matthew,

Yes this makes sense to me. But still I have to handle the depression when it comes up. And when meditating makes me depressive afterwards, the motivation to meditate is not great. I then think, I should do other techniques like progressive muscle relaxation which leads to relaxation at higher rate.

I need the relaxation. That is "the problem".


Maybe it would be good for me to follow a 10 day meditation retreat where I have a teachee who can help when I come in trouble.

Actually I drink japan green tea which helps me to concentrate and get focussed. Today I did it without it and then I have more trouble to stay focussed and get into a deep state.

Thank you,

Santino