Hi!
I know, it's been a long time. Half a year ago i started this thread. I had trouble meditating, because i was confused by my visualizations. After investigating i dropped practice for some time, i felt frustrated and overchallenged. It maybe wasn't just the right time, and even though you gave me great advice, none could reach through to me.
I started my practice again, and as i finally 'get it', i wanted to share my solution to the troubles. Maybe someone searches for an answer too..
The concentration style meditation was just not the right way to start for me. In this tiny line matthew wrote, he touched the solution:
PS relaxing the body one bit at a time won't help: being open to whole body sensation will: there is no fabrication in involved.
What was/is the right way to start (for me) is the witnessing state. I know this state and it's totally natural for me to let it happen. Who finally handed me the right way of approaching was Tara Brach (i don't know anything about this person, i just used her guided meditations).
My practice now looks as follows, mind that i'm still a beginner:
# I sit upright, close my eyes.
# 3-4 big breaths.
# I let go of any tension in my face, my shoulders, hands etc. In this part i let the visualizations happen, they tend to be not that strong because of the intense proprioceptive feeling of relaxation - it's a little bit like it overwrites the visual reflection of the body part i'm focusing.
# Then I open up to the moment. Open up all senses and let all sensations just come, recognize them, pass. Everything on thi inside, everything on the outside of my skin. When i get distracted, i gently move back to the witnessing state. It feels like an very soft awakening, and it happens to me increasingly in everday life. Brach helped me noticing this state and embracing it.
# The breath: the breath isn't central in my practice at the moment. it's just an anchor, if i do not shift all my awareness onto it, i can recognize it without visualization. when i try to concentrate on it, the old visualization vs. true feeling theme arises. Same holds true for body scanning. I can achieve whole body awareness (to a certain degree) but not concentrated awareness without visual images.
I'm practicing regularly for 3 weeks now, before was on and off. 20 min in the morning after my shower and 20 to 40 minutes in the evening. sometime i have to skip a day. this new approach makes it a lot easier for me to just appreciate the practice, and not long for a goal (f.e. letting go of visuals). I really enjoy my practice now.
As i don't want to skip concentration meditation (like vipassana to my understanding) i casually practice it too sometimes. Sometimes i finish my witnessing meditation with an attempt to concentrate on the breath: In, Pause, Out, Pause. And if i laid enough ground with my practice upfront it's sometimes visual free for a breath or two, just the feeling. these are precious moments that leave me in bliss.
I'm open to discuss my ways and want to thank you all again. I read this thread a few times again, and everytime i could gain some new insight out of it!
Have a nice weekend!