Author Topic: Dealing with aggressive/offensive people  (Read 2112 times)

Skanzi

  • Member
  • Doing whatever I can to improve
    • Doing Vipassana, Anapana and Ashtanga yoga
Dealing with aggressive/offensive people
« on: March 07, 2014, 05:05:36 AM »
HI there,

I think my weakest spot, or one of my weakest spots is dealing with people that are aggressive or overly dominant. People who insult others a lot, try to get everything their way, are selfish etc.. Or people who just negatively comment on me and don't show a lot of support and act sort of hostile.

I think the worst is when someone you can't get along with is like constantly making demeaning remarks but they are not intense enough to really get defensive towards. Just an example, someone says: "so that was a really stupid move of me" than my 'enemy' says: "Well, at least you're not *my name* because he acts stupid all the time". These kind of remarks that are on the edge between teasing ad insulting where I'm not sure whether to get defensive towards it or ask: "why you say that?" Because it could also be considered teasing and than I would be overreacting.

See, the problem is really that I'm constantly asking myself: "should I stand up for myself or just ignore and not care?". It's a tough situation for me. I don't want to react because I'm overly sensitive and analyzing what's being said, but I also don't want somebody to keep demeaning me all the time and i want to stand up for myself at somr point.

That raises another question, how should you react to someone who is offensive when it's time to react? I don't want to get in a fight but I just want to talk it out and know why he's acting that way and convince him to quit it.

Another example is when I want to choose some music at a local party, but then this guy kind of shoves me to the side to put on his own music. That's like quite disrespectful but I dob't want to get all butthurt, so I let him.

I mean, I'm always trying to be the happy guy who is cool with everything, but I also have my limits if somebody disrespects me. But I don't know exactly where these limits are. And... When the limits are reached, I don't know how to react in a non-defensive/aggressive way. Any tips on that?

I think the main problem is that I don't want to get defensive because I see it as a form of weakness to care about the negativity that someone is putting out. I don't want to care because I think I'm being weak if I let someone else control my emotions by gettong me upset. But I also don't want anyone to walk over me and mistreat and take advantage of me


« Last Edit: March 07, 2014, 05:27:43 AM by Skanzi »
Do you have a conflict? A doubt which you don't know the answer for? Try this:

- Advise yourself like you would advise a friend.  If you can easily advise your friend, why not take the same advice to yourself?

If you're still not sure, just admit you're not sure and just make a choice.

Peace

Re: Dealing with aggressive/offensive people
« Reply #1 on: March 07, 2014, 09:17:10 AM »
Quote
I think the main problem is that I don't want to get defensive because I see it as a form of weakness to care about the negativity that someone is putting out. I don't want to care because I think I'm being weak if I let someone else control my emotions by gettong me upset. But I also don't want anyone to walk over me and mistreat and take advantage of me

You want way too many things. Try to dream and build alice's wonderland.  :D

Quote
I think the worst is when someone you can't get along with is like constantly making demeaning remarks but they are not intense enough to really get defensive towards. Just an example, someone says: "so that was a really stupid move of me" than my 'enemy' says: "Well, at least you're not *my name* because he acts stupid all the time". These kind of remarks that are on the edge between teasing ad insulting where I'm not sure whether to get defensive towards it or ask: "why you say that?" Because it could also be considered teasing and than I would be overreacting.

This happens when you have insecurities in your character. If you accept your character and yourself completely this problem will be solved. Apply the results of your meditation practice in this field.

If someone says "Well, at least you're not *my name* because he acts stupid all the time" , or something like these things i usually the first one to laugh and i laugh harder than anyone around me. I dont really try to see if it was a insult or not.

I know i am stupid. Most of us are at some point. I know i have done some stupid things.... Its not that the person is accusing me of being stupid and doing something wrong... then i might have reacted defensive.

Quote
That raises another question, how should you react to someone who is offensive when it's time to react? I don't want to get in a fight but I just want to talk it out and know why he's acting that way and convince him to quit it.
Another example is when I want to choose some music at a local party, but then this guy kind of shoves me to the side to put on his own music. That's like quite disrespectful but I dob't want to get all butthurt, so I let him.
I mean, I'm always trying to be the happy guy who is cool with everything, but I also have my limits if somebody disrespects me. But I don't know exactly where these limits are. And... When the limits are reached, I don't know how to react in a non-defensive/aggressive way. Any tips on that?

I guess currently for you whenever you become aware of your suffering you constantly have to try to bring yourself out of it and relax. But in just a few moments you find yourself dragged into suffering by your mind.
If yes then i know its very frustrating to do that. But dont give up on the practice.
There will come a time where your mind resists suffering. It doesnt want unnecessary things inside it. It would be more like even if u want to suffer your mind would alert you and before you realize it would be back at the land of peace.

PS: did my first statement piss you off?

Just A Simple Guy

  • Bubba Hotep
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    • Curiosity and Exploration
Re: Dealing with aggressive/offensive people
« Reply #2 on: March 07, 2014, 11:47:20 AM »
That raises another question, how should you react to someone who is offensive when it's time to react?

Why should you react? Don't react. I know, easier said than done, but isn't this what your practice is really all about? It's a process. A journey. One step at a time. Keep walking.

I don't want to get in a fight but I just want to talk it out and know why he's acting that way and convince him to quit it.

If you understand, things are just as they are.

If you do not understand, things are just as they are.

Here are a couple of links I feel dovetail nicely with developing mindfulness/awareness. Complimentary material, if you will.

Moderator edit: Objectionable content removed from post. Please read forum rules before you post again. Please don't post such links in the forum.

As Bruce Lee said:

“Absorb what is useful, Discard what is not, Add what is uniquely your own.”


« Last Edit: March 10, 2014, 11:56:23 PM by Vivek »
“Research your own experience. Absorb what is useful, reject what is useless, add what is essentially your own.” ~ Bruce Lee

 

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