Hi there,
This is my first post on this forum, and I can tell it will be a pretty long one too.
I'm an 19-year old boy from the Netherlands, interested in meditation, nutrition, self-development and just interested in somewhat anything that enhances or can possibly enhance the quality of my life. I'm actually pretty obsessed with self-improvement. I'm always trying to live a better life. I'm very, very spiritual.
And i'm pretty confused right now. I will explain why that is in a moment. I've come to you guys because you seem spiritually pretty wise, you guys seem to be able to answer my questions quite properly and help me in a way that not many other people are able to do.
I'm in a place right now, where i'm thinking, thinking, and thinking. Trying to analyze, philosophate on all different concepts of life. Often i just don't know the answer and i get confused. The main reason why I'm such a thinker, so often engaged in thought patterns, is mainly due to my overfocused ADD. This means that have real trouble shifting my attention from thoughts that are actually irrelevant or not helpful. Not to say that philosophizing is a bad thing, but in the quantity that I do it, it is a true hinderance. These thoughts distract me during a conversation, during going out, during things that require attention. My tendency to analyze concepts is very big. And it's usually too often, the thoughts are too complicated, and it comes at the wrong time. This is not the same as just worrying or thinking negative. It's like i'm always trying to solve a puzzle in my head, and the pieces never fit in a way that it completely satisfies me, or it takes too long to find the right piece. This overthinking can get my head really messed up and confused because it requires too much mental effort for my brain to handle. I usually try to find the right thought that sopt the stream of thoughts, by saying something like: "Whatever feels right, is right". Meditation does allow me to control it a bit better, but it doesn't allow me to completely eliminate the thoughts forever. And sometimes that's for the better, because you need to think about life from time to time, just the amount i do it is way too much, and at the wrong time. I've developed this kind of 'overthinking' since i climbed out of my panic disorder. I'm panic/anxiety free for about 4 months now I suppose. It's hard to tell when it completely stopped.
Having said that, something that now completely preoccupies my mind, is the concept of 'desires'. I always had this concept in the back of my mind, but i started to philosophate extra much on this when i went out jogging just a few hours ago.
Now follow me here with my thoughts, it's gonna get pretty lengthy.
The philosophating started after taking some L-Tyrosine, which causes the catecholamine system to be much more active (Dopamine, Noradrenaline, adrenaline). I noticed that i felt much more impulsive, but it especially increased my looking for an adrenaline rush, doing something i was afraid of. I realized that it increased some sort adrenaline-junkie type of behaviour. I thought about it, is this a good thing? Is it a good thing to seek enjoyment from adrenaline? I realized that it's not. I realized that cravings, addictions and needs are never a good thing. Then i started to think about it. I remembered someone saying that you should do something you're scared of every day, pushing your comfort zone every day. And then i remembered me pushing my comfort zone, doing something i was scared if, and getting pretty happy after I had done it. But was that good? At least it felt like a good thing. I wondered why. Then i realized that it was not really the adrenaline rush that was the goal of my action, but the fact that I was positively pushing my comfort zone. I was developing myself.
maybe that last bit is not very relevant with what i'm gonna say right now, but let me continue. It got me thinking about desires. I have learned that having desires is a bad thing. I already had some confusion about the concept of desires before, but now i started to get even more in-depth with it. I used to say to myself: "As long as i'm not dependent on something, it's fine to enjoy and look forward to certain events or things in life". That's what i used to think. However, I'm seriously starting to doubt whether that self-made statement is true. Because everything that makes you enjoy something, is (unconciously) coupled with some desire, even if it's very minimal and insignificant. I started to think about buddhist monks, how they are perfectly happy without desiring anything at all, and how their goal is to desire nothing at all. All they do is meditate all day long (well it's not all they do, but it is what they do most of the time). If they can be perfectly peaceful like that, shouldn't become a buddhist monk? Should I eliminate all the things that make me happy in life (food, going out, socializing, sex etc...) and move to vietnam or something to become a buddhist monk?
See, the thing is, i would do anything, ANYTHING, if it's for the better. Hypothetically, i would run naked through the streets, wrestle with a bear, kill everyone around me and set my house on fire if i was absolutely certain if it was for the better (ofcourse it isn't for the better, but, hypothetically). I can not understand someone who doesn't try to get everything out of life. I find it very hard to understand someone who just comes up with lame excuses for themselves in order to not do something, while in the back of their mind they know that they should do it. Just because it doesn't emotionally feel good for them. I'm just not like that. Even if all my emotions are trying to hold me down, i still try to look at things objectively and truly find out what the best choice is. Granted, usually i should follow my emotions and my intuïtion, but not always.
I know there's a difference between wanting a specific result, and wanting a pleasurable activity. I know wanting/needing results are by definition bad, and that you always should enjoy the process of whatever you do, and live in the moment. But i'm still unsure about desiring those pleasurable activities. Because... Those are also desires, right? They are from a different caliber then wanting a specific result. Because if you want a result you want to get your pleasure from something externally, and you should ground your happiness internally. But i'm unsure about doing something that you enjoy in the moment. Like skiing. Hell, i love skiing, the freedom, the space, the mountains and the snow. And while you enjoy the process, you enjoy doing it, i still desire it. I desire getting in that process, in that flow. And at that point, you're still putting value in something externally.
And I know what it is to feel happy and very relaxed, unconditionally of what i'm doing. At least to an extent. I do have these moments where I feel appriciation for everything, and that my emotions are very little affected by things that happen outside of me. Then i feel that core self-esteem and nobody or nothing really has effect on my mood. Nothing can really get me to feel worse, but nothing can get me to feel much better too, which is fine because i'm already happy at that point.
And if desires are insecurity, from what i've been told, then shouldn't I desire anything anymore? Should i do what the monks do and meditate all day long? Should i cut off my friends, never go out again, never socialize again, never watch tv again, never do anything i enjoy again, and just move to tibet and meditate all day long in a monastery?
Or otherwise, just build it up to that point? I mean, it would be a little too extreme for me to go from meditating 20-30 minutes twice a day to meditating 12 hours a day, i wouldn't be able to maintain it, i wouldn't be able to handle it. Just like trying to do a wheelie on a motercycle when you have your very first motercycle lesson wouldn't work.
And, decreasing the amount of things i desire gradually, instead of cutting off all desires at once here at home. I would problably get like depressed or something when i wouldn't be able to see my friends, go out anymore, not being able to be on the internet and to watch tv etc... Even if i would try to meditate all the time, i would very likely be bored out of my friking mind.
Because, i would seriously travel off to tibet and just become a buddhist monk if that would enhance the quality of my life the most. I would seriously do it, without anyone in my surroundings having any experience with buddhism, without anyone to guide me , i would still do it, if it were for the best. No doubt in my mind.
But how do i find out what is actually the best? How do i know what i should do with my life? Are all these desires bad? Should I slowly build off everything i desire, and just gradually focus on my inner self-esteem and relaxation more and more?
Or is it also a good option, to keep doing the things i enjoy to do, but just put less and less value on them? Become more independent from them without them affecting your emotions not at all anymore?
Is it possible to do that actually? If you put less value on something can it still affect your emotions positively just as much? Or will the difference of enjoyment of it go down because your baseline happiness and confidence goes up?
I don't really know what i should do, i don't really know if i still should seek to enjoy external stimuli. I'm not sure how to live my life, and i'm not sure how these all these dynamics and concepts work exactly. I wanna know that, i am very hungry for knownledge. I just need someone or something to guide me. I'm so confused :S
Feel free to post good article or video references, they would be very appriciated.
Greetings and thanks for reading
