Author Topic: Strange experiences... Am I just crazy?  (Read 2152 times)


Strange experiences... Am I just crazy?
« on: December 02, 2013, 11:43:21 PM »
Hello everyone - I'm a newbie here (and and to meditation in general).  I started about a year ago almost on a whim.  I hoped to calm and control my own mind and thoughts, and have done so with remarkable progress.  I don't follow a specific practice, and I've never had a teacher. (I live in a very rural area and the idea of such "new-age" concepts is not exactly supported, so finding someone local to work with is next to impossible. Around here we use western medicine and attend protestant church and that's just how it is, whether you like it or not...  :( )

When I first started meditating, I simply sat comfortably on the floor of my apartment and told myself I was going to sit there until I figured out how to allow my mind to relax.  I did this - I stared at a spot on the wall and just let the thoughts come and go - looking back I realize that I was somehow able to naturally let my thoughts surface, acknowledge them, and allow them to go while spending most of my time between thoughts.  When I opened my eyes 20 minutes later, I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders.  Having no idea what I had just experienced, I took to the internet only to discover that there is not much out there to help someone who has no idea where to start.  After days and days of research (and being almost convinced that I either imagined the peacefulness or fell asleep sitting up and dreamt it all) I decided I wanted to give it another go.  So I did it again.  I sat and stared at a spot on the wall, but this time I closed my eyes as soon as I felt that I had "zoned out" and about 20 minutes later I popped back out of it feeling as wonderful as the first time.  This time I realized that there were massive "gaps" between the thoughts I was allowing to leave my mind.  I also realized that when I was in this state of mind, the thoughts that I acknowledged and allowed to leave seemed to be gone permanently.  I no longer sat around dwelling on any of it, and in fact when I made it a point to recall the topics of those thoughts, it was almost as if I didn't care about them anymore.  The stress from them was gone, the negativity of them was gone, and they felt like a tiny irrelevant detail of my past.

So I continued this routine for a couple weeks - usually having the same results and feeling energized, happier, calmer and less stressed.  Then, one day I had a much different experience.  As I closed my eyes and felt my breathing relax (by this point I had read about the importance of breath control - especially for beginners, so I was really focusing on my breathing each time I sat down to meditate), I found myself in an almost dream-like state, walking down a path.  I was still aware of my surroundings in the room - the quiet music I had on to cover up background sounds, my dog walking through the room, etc - yet this "dream" was still happening.  I had a brief moment of panic, started thinking about all of the strange dream scenarios I might be in , but was conscious of this enough to tell myself to stop feeding the panic and let it go to focus on this path and whatever was happening.  Wherever I was headed felt very urgent.  I wasn't able to shake the urgency I felt, so I consciously decided to just keep down this path and see where I ended up.  I continued on the path into a doorway - it reminded me of an abandoned mine entrance.I went in and still felt urgency to continue.  I passed through doorway after doorway until I came to a massive wooden door with a very old iron chain and lock on it.  I reached up to try to open the door (I literally put my arm up in the air and knew it at this point).  When I did I experienced what felt like a huge hand shoving me backwards on my chest and "heard" a man's voice tell me "You're not ready for this yet - you have more work to do."  Then I was suddenly back in my own world - eyes open, arm up in the air, freaked out beyond belief, and so exhausted I could barely stand up!  I tried 2 more times to meditate that day but could not get any kind of focus, no matter what I did - I also spent the rest of the day feeling like I had done a half marathon earlier in the day - absolutely exhausted.  I wanted to know more - was it some kind of awake dream? Did I get some kind of message simply by allowing myself to be open to that option?

Since then I've felt compelled to learn more about meditation.  I've had an overwhelming sense of purpose and a drive to get deeper into my own mind  in order to understand those things which cannot be explained.  Since this time I've also found that each time I take a few days off, discussion about meditation, tv shows about meditation, products such as essential oils and meditation pillows are right there staring me in the face. Maybe I'm just more aware, but some seem too obvious to just be by chance. I feel a sort of "calling" to learn more, practice more, use more tools, learn more techniques and do whatever I can to raise my own awareness to something that I can't even describe.

So, with all of this coming at me I decided to give it all another try, so I went back to me routine of sitting, focusing, being aware of my thoughts, allowing the negative to just float away, and enjoying the positive one last time as it also sort of floats away.  I continued like this for quite a while, but I noticed that each time I felt like I was becoming crankier and crankier to those around me and began to get very discouraged and was meditating less and less.  Then one day I had another very odd experience.  I heard a very commanding female voice (no there was nobody else around me when this happened) tell me that I have much more to learn and need to continue because I have a great responsibility to "help teach the world a new way..."

This didn't disturb me as much as the first time, but still left me a little bit unsettled.  I really felt like I had once again been in a different place when this happened.  This time it felt like a very clear message.   But again, I was so exhausted I just wanted to lay down and go to sleep - I could barely stand because I was so drained.  I also couldn't get focus the rest of the day. 

Since then I've continued to try to learn as much as I can about meditation from all aspects - all religious views, all scientific views, all metaphysical views. I really feel that I've become much more skilled at the general practice of meditation and have had a variety of small odd experiences that I've researched and found to be fairly common among those who meditate regularly, even though I'm still a very inexperienced newbie.  I've also found that my earlier irritability has subsided as I came to realize that it was just a case of my heightened awareness making me see more in my surroundings than other people around me could see.  As my awareness has continued to increase I've found it fairly easy to just not allow the irritability to become an option because I feel it rising up before it ever hits my mouth.  More often than not I can completely quell that negative emotion, then allow it to leave me on my next meditation. I am the only one who has to deal with it, and I barely have to deal with it.  It's a very pleasant skill to have learned!

I had begun to feel like my meditations were starting to settle into a more "normal" routine after my few beginning experiences - still as pleasurable as always - some leaving me literally giggling and occasionally leaving me with a sort of "high" or the extremely happy relaxation one feels after sex.  But every day there is this little bit of me going "nothing else in your life matters as much as continuing down this 'path' that you are on." This kept me going - kept me learning more and practicing more - not forcing anything, but focusing on allowing anything coming at me to hit me with full force. 

A few days ago I had another startling experience.  I had read about a type of meditation for communicating with one's "higher self" or allowing communication between the conscious and subconscious minds - it wasn't much different from what I had done previously - it mostly included a specific mental focus to hang on to throughout so I sat down to try this - it didn't feel right, so I quickly abandoned it.  I've found that as I move forward certain things seem right and other things take time to feel right. So I sat comfortably and began my regular routine, only to find myself in the middle of a grass plane and again walking down a path in the grass.  There was a distant building, and I was headed towards it.  I felt like I was in the past - I don't know why. Suddenly the grass around me burst into flames - higher than I could stand to try to see over them - I lost sight of the building but I could not feel the heat or smell the smoke, but I felt a sense of panic.  Then I had an excruciating pain in my shoulder.  I think the panic is what made me pull myself back out of this, but it took several seconds from the time I decided "I don't want to be here" until I was able to open my eyes.  The pain in my shoulder was more intense than almost anything I've ever experienced - I felt like I had been stabbed with a knife.  Within a few minutes of choosing to end this, my shoulder returned to normal.  For the rest of the day and most of the next I kept replaying this in my head - I really felt like I had been stabbed - like someone who I had not noticed in that scene had attacked me somehow.  Could I have been reliving a past-life experience in order to let it go? Is there another message here that I didn't stay long enough to understand?  I'm filled with a million questions from this experience.

So...  is it all just coincidence?  Does anyone know if it is common to have such vivid experiences - especially as such a beginner?  Am I experiencing a sort of calling? Do I just need to go see a shrink and get over it? Part of me feels like I have very important work but I don't know what I'm supposed to do yet, but part of me says I'm just on a slow spiral to the looney bin.  I'm really struggling to find a balance between "normal" and whatever is happening to me.  Any feedback and thoughts would be appreciated!!!!!


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