Author Topic: how to deal with past and ...  (Read 6138 times)

hottyicecat

  • Member
  • Emptiness is Form and Form is Emptiness
    • here?
how to deal with past and ...
« on: October 21, 2013, 10:23:42 PM »
Hello.
There is one thing that keeps bugging me for long, there is a chance that i know the answer myself, but I'm still very unsure about it.
I was wondering, how should i response and act towards people who have betrayed me and think of me like a really "retarded" person. I know that I should not carry the past and not let it effect my present, i know that i should love and not hold any negative emotions towards other living things, and that is what I try to do, BUT the sad thing is that when a person writes to me, who i know that holds ill thoughts towards me, I'm always like "why do u even bother to write to me?" or when they ask me a question on which they know the answer already, but they deny it, or i don't know what problem they got and when i answer to thous questions with something like this: "You know the answer, why u ask me it? Just think for it, if u want to know." They replay always that I'm retarded and make no sense, but i just cant seem to find any reason to explain them that i know, what they think i don't know, and what did they do wrong, and if they ask themselves if they did anything wrong, they would already know it what they did, so for me the question seems meaningless and waste of time, as it takes really lot of time to explain and on top of them, its hard to even try to explain to them, when u know, that what ever u say to them will be replied as "it makes no sense" or "you are retarded".
I have really no idea how i could answer to them to not be rude, to not be offensive and how i should answer them so that it would make any sense to them at all.
And another thing, i was wondering, if i don't make up with them, or be friends again, like giving 2nd chance... ( here its 3rd and 4th... :D ), does that makes me a bad person or does that means i keep the past with me and think ill of others? ;/
'Coz the reason i don't want to make up with them is that i know already the outcome...

P.s
sorry for my bad English grammar.
« Last Edit: October 21, 2013, 10:27:29 PM by hottyicecat »

Matthew

  • The Irreverent Buddhist
  • Staff
  • Meditation: It's a D.I.Y. project.
    • KISS: Keep it simple stupid.
    • Getting nowhere slowly and enjoying every moment.
Re: how to deal with past and ...
« Reply #1 on: October 23, 2013, 08:57:45 PM »
Stop obsessing, ignore these people - and more importantly your thoughts about them. It doesn't help. You are born alone and will die alone. This is life.
~oOo~     Tat Tvam Asi     ~oOo~    How will you make the world a better place today?     ~oOo~    Fabricate Nothing     ~oOo~

hottyicecat

  • Member
  • Emptiness is Form and Form is Emptiness
    • here?
Re: how to deal with past and ...
« Reply #2 on: October 23, 2013, 09:02:47 PM »
so the best thing, after all, is just to ignore .. ?

Matthew

  • The Irreverent Buddhist
  • Staff
  • Meditation: It's a D.I.Y. project.
    • KISS: Keep it simple stupid.
    • Getting nowhere slowly and enjoying every moment.
Re: how to deal with past and ...
« Reply #3 on: October 23, 2013, 09:08:23 PM »
Just get on with your life .... Other people's opinions, including mine, are not how to find your way :) Actually it's probably how you lost your way .....
~oOo~     Tat Tvam Asi     ~oOo~    How will you make the world a better place today?     ~oOo~    Fabricate Nothing     ~oOo~

hottyicecat

  • Member
  • Emptiness is Form and Form is Emptiness
    • here?
Re: how to deal with past and ...
« Reply #4 on: October 23, 2013, 09:48:38 PM »
well i cant find the answers and my way on my own right now, sadly.

ramat

  • Member
  • Write something about yourself here
    • Pranahuti Aided Meditation
Re: how to deal with past and ...
« Reply #5 on: October 24, 2013, 09:07:20 PM »
Just being honest,simple and more cordial in conversation may help

hottyicecat

  • Member
  • Emptiness is Form and Form is Emptiness
    • here?
Re: how to deal with past and ...
« Reply #6 on: October 26, 2013, 01:08:42 PM »
I try to be honest and simple, but its simple in my logic, and i cant guess what is simple for other people, or can i? But i guess, i should just ignore them, hope that ignoring, wont make me more arrogant then i em right now ;/

Quardamon

  • Member
    • Teachers were: P.K.K. Mettavihari, Frits Koster, Nel Kliphuis. (In the line of Mahasi Sayadaw)
Re: how to deal with past and ...
« Reply #7 on: October 26, 2013, 10:44:32 PM »
how should I respond and act towards people who have betrayed me    . . .   
I know that I should love and not hold any negative emotions towards other living things
Being angry with someone that betrayed you is proper. It is also proper to make sure that that does not happen again. (I mean, that they do not betray you again.)

when a person writes to me, of whom I know that he/she holds ill thoughts towards me    . . .     and when I answer to those questions with something like this: "You know the answer, why you ask me it? "    . . .   
They reply always that I'm retarded and make no sense
Yes, that specific person will tell you that you are retarded. That is betrayal. He/she betrays you. You point out that they do something wrong, and then they say it is your fault. They betray you again.   
So it is no use to write back to them. It is no use to explain. As you say, they already know.

And another thing, I was wondering, if I don't make up with them, or be friends again, like giving 2nd chance... ( here its 3rd and 4th... :D ), does that makes me a bad person
No. It is proper not to be friends again. You explained already: It is impossible for you to make up with them. You tried, and they called you stupid.
If they wanted to make up, I would not even react.

    . . .    if I don't make up with them,     . . .    does that makes me a bad person or does that mean I keep the past with me and think ill of others?
From what you write, it is obvious that you repeat things if you make up with them. So, if you want to leave the past behind, to not make up with them.
If you come to the logical conclusion that someone betrayed you, then you are not thinking ill of that person.
If you are angry that someone betrayed you, you are OK.
It would be bad to allow your anger to grow and grow and grow and then kill somebody.
It would be thinking ill of somebody if you hoped that they would get an accident.

Sometimes a situation brings feelings in us that we would not want to have. But specific feelings belong with some situations. Like when someone dies, one can be sad. That is OK. Or if someone marries, one is glad. That is proper. That is not negative or positive - it just is what should be there in that situation.
Meditation can help to see the feelings in perspective. But they are there.


'Coz the reason i don't want to make up with them is that I know already the outcome...
Indeed, you know already.

hope that ignoring, won't make me more arrogant then I am right now :/
Can you explain how you are arrogant?
(I suppose that you are not arrogant at all, so I would like to check.)

With this all, I come to the conclusion, that you see the situation quite clearly. You are unsure about yourself, but you see the situation (and the misbehaviour of that person / those persons) clearly. Very well.

hottyicecat

  • Member
  • Emptiness is Form and Form is Emptiness
    • here?
Re: how to deal with past and ...
« Reply #8 on: October 27, 2013, 09:21:29 AM »
Quote
Can you explain how you are arrogant?
Umm... i have caught my thoughts many times thinking, that I got better logic, and my logic is how it should be, that other people are acting illogical (sometimes, a lot, people who are around me). And the other thing is that, i usually think that i know what other people are knowing, but most case... is it even possible for some1 like me to know it? X_x
And i have come across this a lot, what if this is the main problem why everything goes wrong like this? is because i think i know?

Sorry, for my bad English grammar.

Quardamon

  • Member
    • Teachers were: P.K.K. Mettavihari, Frits Koster, Nel Kliphuis. (In the line of Mahasi Sayadaw)
Re: how to deal with past and ...
« Reply #9 on: October 27, 2013, 05:57:22 PM »
Umm... I have caught my thoughts many times thinking that I got better logic, and my logic is how it should be, that other people are acting illogically (sometimes, a lot, people who are around me).
There are two possibilities:
1. Your logic is not better, but you think so. If you do not check and take for granted that you are better - that is arrogant. If you check carfully, you can correct yourself.
2. Your logic is better. In that case, it is a simple fact. If you would look down upon others and condemn them as stupid - that would be arrogant.


And the other thing is that, I usually think that I know what other people are knowing,
I suppose you mean to say, that you can read their thoughts. Is that indeed what you mean?
(The idea that one can read the thoughts of others is indeed a hugh invitation to feel superior. That it is not wise to feel superior is an other thing.)

hottyicecat

  • Member
  • Emptiness is Form and Form is Emptiness
    • here?
Re: how to deal with past and ...
« Reply #10 on: October 27, 2013, 06:47:11 PM »
Quote
I suppose you mean to say, that you can read their thoughts. Is that indeed what you mean?
No. What I meant was, that based on my logic, and based on facts I have observed I'm guessing about what other people know and don't.

Quardamon

  • Member
    • Teachers were: P.K.K. Mettavihari, Frits Koster, Nel Kliphuis. (In the line of Mahasi Sayadaw)
Re: how to deal with past and ...
« Reply #11 on: October 27, 2013, 08:25:14 PM »
OK. It is very well possible to do that. And if you are good at it - well, then it is a fact that you are good at it. In itself, it is not arrogant to see where you stand.

In your original post in this thread you state:
I was wondering, how should I respond and act towards people who have betrayed me and think of me like a really "retarded" person.
It seems to me - well    . . .    I imagine that those people want you to feel that you are arrogant when you simply see the truth. So in my fantasy, if you say the truth they will say that you are arrogant.
Is that the case?

hottyicecat

  • Member
  • Emptiness is Form and Form is Emptiness
    • here?
Re: how to deal with past and ...
« Reply #12 on: October 27, 2013, 08:44:23 PM »
I guess, its probably the difference between the logic thinking and because they, probably, think that i don't know what i know, what i think i know :D
But on the other hand, was always wondering, what if the way i observe things are wrong.(?)

Quardamon

  • Member
    • Teachers were: P.K.K. Mettavihari, Frits Koster, Nel Kliphuis. (In the line of Mahasi Sayadaw)
Re: how to deal with past and ...
« Reply #13 on: October 27, 2013, 08:53:49 PM »
That is where meditation helps. You simply stick with what is directly there: When you walk, you walk; when you sit, you sit. You observe the movements of the body. That is so simple and direct, the way you observe cannot go wrong.

hottyicecat

  • Member
  • Emptiness is Form and Form is Emptiness
    • here?
Re: how to deal with past and ...
« Reply #14 on: October 27, 2013, 09:02:39 PM »
that's what i keep telling myself, and that's what i try to do, but everything comes out not the way i want it to. I guess i have lost this summer every single friend i had past 2 years, so cant doubt that everything i see/think and that my logic isn't wrong.
Thats why i went up here, thats why i went up reading about meditation and doing it (at least i try to ) and some other stuff... to seek for something that might help me in the future. But as Matthew said, which probably is right:
Quote
You are born alone and will die alone. This is life.
So i guess, there is no point in struggle about this.

Quardamon

  • Member
    • Teachers were: P.K.K. Mettavihari, Frits Koster, Nel Kliphuis. (In the line of Mahasi Sayadaw)
Re: how to deal with past and ...
« Reply #15 on: October 28, 2013, 11:47:37 AM »
You tell us that you lost every single friend you had in the last two years.
With "friends" do you mean the people that told you that you were retarded?

If I understand well, you say that your logic must be wrong because you lost so much in the last two years.
With the word "logic" I think of clear and clever reasoning. Something that is done with the head, so to speak.

At this time I want to tell you, that often there is a feeling tone behind reasoning. For me, that feeling tone is very strong in the YouTube video that you pointed at here:
I'm watching lately the "Ancient Knowledge" videos on youtube and once again it come up to me and doesn't leave me alone    . . .    .
http://youtu.be/dQqCMe_37P0?t=32m14s
0:32:14 - 1:05:00
The recipe is very simple: Make up a story that sounds impressive - put in key words like "Maya prophesy", "Galactic Federation" and call it "Ancient Wisdom". Enough people will stand in awe to give the speaker the feeling that he is very special. To keep these people with you, it is important to tell them something like: "Mistrust all others" or "The others are misleading you".
Anyway - the feeling tone behind all this is one of mistrust, cynicism, defensiveness, self-importance, conceit, animosity.

Dharmic Tui, in another thread, reminded me of an sentence that I heard once in England: "Practice random kindness and senseless acts of beauty."
If you die anyway, you might just a well die cherishing beauty and being kind.

hottyicecat

  • Member
  • Emptiness is Form and Form is Emptiness
    • here?
Re: how to deal with past and ...
« Reply #16 on: October 28, 2013, 12:55:32 PM »
The friends I had for the last two years, lost them this summer :p
But yeah, kinda, but they are all together, means they where friends with thous people and... long boring story :)
Anyways I think I kinda got the point from* you, at least up to some part, and I do really appreciate your time and effort for replaying to me here.
But I really didn't understand the end of your post:
Quote
The recipe is very simple: Make up a story that sounds impressive - put in key words like "Maya prophesy", "Galactic Federation" and call it "Ancient Wisdom". Enough people will stand in awe to give the speaker the feeling that he is very special. To keep these people with you, it is important to tell them something like: "Mistrust all others" or "The others are misleading you".
Anyway - the feeling tone behind all this is one of mistrust, cynicism, defensiveness, self-importance, conceit, animosity.

Dharmic Tui, in another thread, reminded me of an sentence that I heard once in England: "Practice random kindness and senseless acts of beauty."

sorry(!).

Quardamon

  • Member
    • Teachers were: P.K.K. Mettavihari, Frits Koster, Nel Kliphuis. (In the line of Mahasi Sayadaw)
Re: how to deal with past and ...
« Reply #17 on: October 29, 2013, 06:18:45 PM »
OK. So you did not understand my commentary on the youtube video "Ancient Knowledge`.
Maybe I was too rude, or went too fast.

My point is that some people only think with the head, not with the heart.
They can come to conclusions that seems intelligent, but in fact the conclusions only reflect their cynicism.

To get a deeper understanding, it helps to have a gentle and inquisitive mind. That has a quality of being in the heart. To understand someone or something better we can touch them, hold them. That is reflected in the word "grasping", which means "holding" and "understanding". The same goes in German and Dutch, with the word "begeifen", resp. "begrijpen".
So, it is possible to understand something with a sense of closeness.

The tone of the video is different. The tone is an invitation to fight or to flee. And there are flaws in the logic. Many flaws. That is what I tried to make clear  with my "recipe".

I am sorry that you lost so much that was important for you.

Do these people still contact you or try to contact you?

hottyicecat

  • Member
  • Emptiness is Form and Form is Emptiness
    • here?
Re: how to deal with past and ...
« Reply #18 on: October 31, 2013, 07:22:58 PM »
Thanks for making it clear.
Quote
gentle and inquisitive mind
that's how i always try to, but it always goes wrong, heh~
And about the "people" umm... some do, but not in the nicest* way, some just stay there in friendlist and ignores when ever i write, and haven't talked with me for months.

Matthew

  • The Irreverent Buddhist
  • Staff
  • Meditation: It's a D.I.Y. project.
    • KISS: Keep it simple stupid.
    • Getting nowhere slowly and enjoying every moment.
Re: how to deal with past and ...
« Reply #19 on: November 02, 2013, 10:44:57 PM »
Hey, hottyicecat - the two talks I recently posted of Ajahn Brahm might be really helpful to you. If you listen to the 'How to stop' one a couple of times it might help you see things about yourself. The other is a good listen too. Be well friend :) M
~oOo~     Tat Tvam Asi     ~oOo~    How will you make the world a better place today?     ~oOo~    Fabricate Nothing     ~oOo~

Johann (Hanzze)

  • Guest
Re: how to deal with past and ...
« Reply #20 on: November 03, 2013, 06:28:06 AM »
Hottyicecat, here a very good story that might help:

Quote
The Healing of the Bull : A Story, by Suvimalee Karunaratna (2005; 10pp./29KB)
    In this tale from Karunaratna's series of stories to be read aloud to young children, we meet a bull, crippled with anger and bitterness for the years of mistreatment he suffered at the hands of his masters. Kapuri the she-elephant and the wise tortoise come to his aid, offering an important teaching on mindfulness, awareness, and loving-kindness.

Actually it is more useful for adults, so don't get confused by the mentioning as child story, it's just that the actors are animals, which keeps your distance so you can watch them more uninvolved.

hottyicecat

  • Member
  • Emptiness is Form and Form is Emptiness
    • here?
Re: how to deal with past and ...
« Reply #21 on: November 09, 2013, 01:05:01 AM »
@ Matthew: Sorry, my English isn't so perfect, its hard to understand and get many things out of that video :(
I will try to listen to it once or few more times, when i have a bit more free time to consume that information.

@ Johann.
Thanks for the nice story i will keep it in favorites and re-read after :3
It quit felt like a mirror or past memory's tho' ... -_-'

Its still didnt help me with the choose, what to do with thous people, while its too late now, out of anger i probably destroyed the last and the smallest hope there was :D


p.s

I finished a books reading of Dalailama recently, it was called "An open heart" and that book, in my opinion, was the best i have read, and it made me think of 1 thing... that lots of my problems are "maybe(?)" the karma from my past life(?) and it gave me the unsure and unhappy thoughts and emotions, i guess- not sure if thous are the right words for that, like "why do i have to reply* for my past life karma,'coz its like reply* for something u haven't done"  :-[



Matthew

  • The Irreverent Buddhist
  • Staff
  • Meditation: It's a D.I.Y. project.
    • KISS: Keep it simple stupid.
    • Getting nowhere slowly and enjoying every moment.
Re: how to deal with past and ...
« Reply #22 on: November 09, 2013, 10:02:40 AM »
I'm agnostic about past lives - no evidence for or against at this point. There is a nice story about two chicken farmers ... One of them every morning went to the hen house and filled his basket with chicken shit  and left the eggs to rot, he was a stupid farmer ... The other went to his hen house and filled his basket with eggs and left the chicken shit to rot' he was a clever farmer ... He feed his family with omelette and sold the other eggs at market ... The point of the story is, do you collect the shit from your past or do you collect the eggs (the bad memories or the good) ... There is every reason to be a wise farmer and collect the eggs, the good, and let the shit rot.
~oOo~     Tat Tvam Asi     ~oOo~    How will you make the world a better place today?     ~oOo~    Fabricate Nothing     ~oOo~

hottyicecat

  • Member
  • Emptiness is Form and Form is Emptiness
    • here?
Re: how to deal with past and ...
« Reply #23 on: November 09, 2013, 11:23:01 AM »
@ Matthew: I think i understand u, but i just 'em unable to not take the sad things from the past... There are sad things that are nothing to me, and i can ignore them, or i don't feel anymore anyway about them, but there are things i just cant ignore. Uh well... will keep try to meditate :3

 

Related Topics

  Subject / Started by Replies Last post
3 Replies
1549 Views
Last post April 22, 2010, 10:20:10 PM
by Matthew
1 Replies
1746 Views
Last post October 20, 2012, 05:40:57 AM
by Falkov
3 Replies
2549 Views
Last post May 23, 2013, 07:22:13 AM
by kanoo
3 Replies
1302 Views
Last post February 16, 2015, 12:24:36 AM
by Matthew
6 Replies
1965 Views
Last post February 11, 2016, 10:20:06 AM
by Vivek
5 Replies
1221 Views
Last post September 22, 2017, 05:28:57 PM
by raushan
8 Replies
686 Views
Last post January 15, 2020, 09:38:29 AM
by Middleway