Cycling has been my primary mode of tranportation for over 4 yrs. A year ago I was hit pretty hard by a car making an illegal turn, it happened so fast and there was no way to avoid it, I simply could not stop in time. I resolved to never bike at full speed again to avoid this happening in the future. I was scared but eventually got back on the road. A little over a week ago I was hit by someone suddenly opening their car door, this was also unavoidable. I don't know what else I can change about the way I cycle to avoid these collisions.
I took a week off from cycling to work, my wife has been dropping me off and my co-worker has been driving me to and home from work, this is not a sustainable solution. This morning as my ribs were feeling a bit better I decided to bike to work. As I turned from the side road onto the main road the approaching cars neared, I could hear their engines revving and the tires contacting the pavement, one by one they raced past me and I could feel the wind from their passing. I know that they are not any closer to me than on any other day, but my nerves are rattled and I began to feel as though I required more space than they were giving me.
These thoughts were not blind, they did not go unwatched, but they kept coming, soon they began to change. I began to think of how unfairly cyclists are treated and how we are not given a safe place on the road to exist, it is so obvious to me that I am not surrounded by armor and do not have an engine to power me, why was I forced to ride among these steel giants travelling so much faster than I can. I began to sense that my fear was changing to anger.
I caught this and kept telling myself these are just thoughts don't give them any power, but each time a car and more so when a big truck would pass so closely a deep shutter of fear would come over me. I began to think this is unfair and I'm going to get killed. A few moments later a bus cut in front of me edging me into the curb and stopped to pick-up some passengers, the thoughs of, I'm invisible people don't even see me began to arise, my logical side was saying don't say anything to him just let it go, but my emotional side was saying if you don't let this man know that what he just did was inapropriate they may never stop.
I found myself jumping the curb and riding on the sidewalk towards the open bus doors. I calmly looked at the driver and began to tell him that what he did was not fair, he shrugged his shoulders and said I don't care, closed the doors on my arm and began to drive away. My bike began skidding along the ground and eventually I pulled my arm free from the door.
Emotion got the better of me and I just broke down and cried, I feel very alone. I feel that it is just a matter of time until I am crushed by a dump truck, and I fear that no one gives a crap! If this was a one time thing or even two time thing I might feel differently but this is the sixth time in four years that I have been hit and I believe my survival instinct is on redalert. I am desperatly trying to think thoughts of loving kindness towards the drivers, I try to think of how good I have it compared to others, I try to think of the poor dead animals I pass everyday on the road and how by riding a bike I am not contributing to their deaths. But this morning there was not much compassion for the car and truck drivers, I feel that some deep survival instinct is affecting me. I am telling myself that this to shall pass, but at this moment I have strong feelings of walking away from it all, it just does not make sense to me anymore.
Any suggestions on observing this fear as I ride, or should I follow my mayors advice...
http://youtu.be/nySs1cEq5rs or this....
http://youtu.be/xwxiv2aznB0