Greetings all
I thank everyone in advance for taking the time to read this post.
Some background information: I have been practicing meditation intermittently for the past 18 months. I focus primarily on samatha because it seems to be the foundation of leading a life that is less chaotic [relaxation/mindfulness].
However, every time I devote myself to engaging in daily samatha practice I eventually find myself rejecting it. I can become very relaxed and mindful. When I carry this over to daily life from the cushion, I have had mixed results. A times, I will feel powerful in my interactions with others—very confident and controlled, calm and without emotion. Thinking more rationally about my interaction/conversations/actions. During this time after meditation, I will observe emotions that arise and immediately put them down by using diaphragmatic breathing or relaxing body, distracting mind with mindfulness, etc. It works for a while.
But then I begin to feel like I am an unfeeling, detached zombie of sorts. I start to crave emotion [like listening to heavy metal music to become excited/active, make jokes with people, and in general, just behave as I usually would]. I begin arguing with myself that I would rather take the highs with the lows, the exciting days with the depressed ones, than this neutral zombie like state. I even find myself after meditating for a few days and being fairly calm, to responding confrontationally to rude people that I work with, seemingly just to feel the rush of adrenalin/excitement again. And then at that point I will further argue to myself how I feel more alive and human again with this up/down rollercoaster ride instead of mindful zombie.
My wife is telling me that perhaps I shouldn’t meditate anymore. But a part of me thinks I should just push through it. Not sure if this is normal. Usually the more I try to live relaxed/calm after meditation, eventually the harder I will rebel against it. Note that this is not against formal cushion practice, but instead is against the act of carrying the useful tool over into daily life to apply it—rather than compartmentalizing relaxation/mindfulness.
Maybe I am missing the point in applying samatha techniques to my daily life. Not sure why I eventually start to resist it so strongly. Or am I suppressing my emotions too much? Should I not strive for relaxation at all times?
Any feedback is greatly appreciated.
Thank you