I'm struggling with deciding which way to take my meditation. To give you a clearer idea of my intentions, my goal for meditation is to: calm my mind, gain control of my emotions, and to be able to be able to think clearly.
I have racing thoughts that I can not seem to control. It has gotten to the point that most of my thoughts don't really make sense and are just broken phrases and the thoughts are there without my intention. As an example, random lyrics from a song might play through my head, then immediately afterwards a combination of words that make no sense and has nothing to do with anything going on at the moment. With this kind of thinking has also come lack of concentration, an inability to learn easily, and a difficulty in communicating ideas.
My emotions have become sort of out of place. I may be angry in a situation where there is no reason for it even though I know I shouldn't be angry. When it comes to emotion my main issue is anger.
All of these problems seem to be symptoms of
schizophrenia. I have been recommended to seek an answer to my problems by seeing a psychiatrist, but I don't even want to think of this as an option. I don't think a couple of pills will solve anything, just mask the problem itself.
I began meditation around a year ago and have not practiced consistently. I have tried 3 different methods so far and need opinions on which meditation might be best suited for me, and if I am making a mistake by pursuing any of these.
Different methods:
1. Shamatha meditation. I haven't seen much progress from this and it almost seems to make my condition worse. I know that this is supposed to be the calming meditation and is a good foundation for further practice, but I haven't had much luck with it.
2. I don't know the name for it, but this practice is me focusing on all of my bodily sensations. In a sense being mindful. This seems to be a more focused and persistent effort of keeping my attention on what I feel. It seems to feel more right than shamatha, since I actually do feel more relaxed and have a clearer mind afterwords.
3. This is what I came up with after I didn't have much luck with shamatha. I began to instead of purely focusing on my breath, focus on the entire moment at hand. I still stay aware of the moment, my body, and everything around me, but I am much more relaxed and take everything in without trying to focus on one object. When thoughts arise as soon as I notice I'm thinking I let the thoughts pass. I have made the most progress with this and it seems to help. After daily practice of this for a month or 2, I reached a point in one of my sessions where it almost felt like a reached a different plateau in my mind. It became effortless to have a quiet mind, but it was also easy to think when needed. It kind of felt like I reached a new level in meditation? Afterwards the feeling stayed for a couple days but faded away after not practicing for a few days.
The only reason I am not sure about the 3rd choice is because I don't want to start off practicing on the wrong foot. I definitely a beginner when it comes to meditating and wouldn't know right from wrong. I'm also open to suggestions of other practices.
Sorry this post is so long, it is sort of an introductory, explanation, and question.
