Have you considered that perhaps you aren't controlling your breathing - you only think you are because of the scrutiny?
When I am focusing on the sensations of the breath, I don't tend to worry whether or not I'm controlling the breathing. I think if you're not bothered about it, you tend to breathe more naturally anyway. For me the important thing is to remain mindful and equanimous with what comes up. Breathing naturally is not the point, but rather a consequence of a relaxed mind, in my opinion.
I think the same caveat applies to thoughts & sensations. If you are bothered about the thoughts & sensations which come up in your practice, you will perpetuate or get lost in them. Stepping back and just observing them allows your body & mind to return to a more natural flow of experience.
Agree...
It's just that I've heard so many times that one shouldn't control the breath, that it kinda stuck into me.
I believe there is some ratio of control. I notice that I control, but I also notice that I'm not totally in control. i.e., if I start with a faster and deeper breath, after 5mins I will notice that inspite of controlling I'll be breathing softlier.
I also just control when I fix (with "strengh") my attention on the breath, as my attention slides a bit away from the breath the breath will breath itself. But if I think about controlling the breath, then I'm controlling.
I would like to get to the point where I can watch (with "strengh", or not) and be totally aware and not in control.
practice, practice...
Shinzen Young describes moments in meditation where the universe seems to be meditating you, rather than you being the one in control. By this I think he means that when you open to the flow of experience, and let it lead you, you are no longer doing anything, except witnessing "what is". The trick is not to resist or hold onto the flow...
I had a similar feeling once.
That's what the wuwei (non-doing) of Taoism, must be about.
BTW: I'm in practice between practice. That is, I'm practicing (guided by a book) and waiting for a meditation course (with a teacher, not Goenka's) to open.