Still no practice thread, but my place to share ...
Today was incredible, hard blow against the ego, very uplifting, a true eyeopener.
Had a "session" between 14:00 and 16:00 and it was one of
those sessions.
I needed everything I have, now it was the time for utmost equanimity while surfing on a HUGE anicca-wave that thundered on the ego-beach with might & force. Now this beach looks quite different and I have no clue where this is going to take me ... which is a relief, a lot of tiny little ego plans washed to the sea, the air is clear after a monsoon attack, and I am still half deaf from this uproar.
All those tiny little details that were planted into our subconsciousness when I was a child. Parents, aunts, uncles, teachers, television, newspapers, hundreds of childrens books, stupid toys, all filling little Stefan with their "wisdom", and little Stefan guarding those seedlings that were never mine. Now the field was overgrown when I was grown up, suffocating me with stuff that I did not like at all. So I became Punk ... because I lost "my self", had no identity, was scared to the bone and crept into the first shell that looked strong enough to protect me ... a leather jacked encrusted with spikes and "duck you"-buttons. At least I started to defend "my" field ... becoming a Punk was the first step on my way to enlightenment (which I will be in the end, I am convinced!). "So what" was my first attempt in equanimity ... this is more than twenty years ago now ...
... but anyway, it was never really "me", never "my way". So I stumbled through an esotheric supermarket (but that's another story) until I ended up in this Goenka retreat and started to burn down this field that was still crowded with several plants I never really enjoyed ... you know how we feel at times ... many difficulties around, neighbours and friends think you turned bonkers because you don't want to be "good ol' Stefan" any more. I went through that already, I went through several issues that established equanimity, awareness, mindfullness and a certain amount of non-obsessivity in my everyday life.
I became "quite good" at lots of practical aspects that were the proove I am not fooling around any more (another story I might share at times) ... so, with everything fitting in so fine I was suspecting this wave to come sooner or later. And here it was! (switch-to-field-picture-again:) Today I "dug out" a lot of roots that were still in the field, roots of plants I never planted, plants I have been burning down ever so often (on and off the cushion) but they would come again and again. Today I sort of slided into a new level (which was not in the heavens but down there in the mud) ... I went far deeper than ever before. wow. and now I stand here, shaking my head on the fool that I have been ... at this point I think I need to stop for now, words fail me right there. what a great afternoon. what a relief!
actually some tears in my eyes ....

This has to settle. Maybe I'll be back in an hour, maybe in a week. But this has to settle.
Well, thought I'd share a bomb like that. Be well, thank you all for being a company that I hugely enjoy.
Metta, Stefan (really Stefan?)