Dear Stefan,
I really appreciate your readiness to reconsider a second time what I wrote in my last post, since my English might have made this difficult to understand. Though that you hit my raw spot I could make apparent, at least ;-). The more I'm glad you yourself could take it so much deeper with the help of your angel - where I merely played a further away part I really was. You weren't wrong, but right on in the important point - allowing something to evolve beyond recognition within yourself. And that is really a gift being allowed to see. :-) Thanks.
So from my side no worry of having your intention wrongly interpreted anymore, since so many things played into them neither me nor you could have foreseen. I feel glad for you!
The only part I unmistakably asked you to stop (which I maybe should already have done after your pm), was being told how I would feel.
This request you instantly respected. Therefore nothing there to forgive you today.
... - that out of my particular psychological setup I in reality lived most of my live in denial. ... Denial not so much of pleasures, but inward pretense really.
I really had told myself what to feel.. no anger, only loving.. And what I had helped myself never to see - now erupting - was a Pandora box too difficult to describe. ..sheer madness.
I witnessed abysses of hatred, passion and delusion which wouldn't let it go so easily. And in my case, by the sheerness of this all, at one point I couldn't even relate it to my childhood anymore. Tell me the most unconceivable wretchedness, I recognized it within myself!
Having overall denied myself really living my own life, now I could no other but persist with Vipassana, and these processes did unfold in unforeseeable ways.
Returned to the west, now some years later, I try to assist others through listening and a certain kind of speech allowing such processes to unfold away from cushions too.
In such settings it of course happens that your organism is responding to a person in a way, you might recognize as not your own issue right now - but apearently not the other person's either.
If that person is already exploring inner processes coming out of their own - they always take absolute precedence - and you would never step in with your own.
However, if there is some sense of unhealthy pattern repeating. Than you could say in such a case, for example:
"I don't know what it is, but always while listening to you I start to feel something like a tight knot in my stomach. Feels like something really sore of that size. [just whatever it really feels like for you at that time] How does it feel for you while you hear me saying this?"
If that other persons yawns: 'Nothing'. You stay right there with that person again.
Such processes only start to flower if there is non-conceptual awareness, expecting nothing and acceptance. Trying to teach something takes the opposite. One only stays with this attitude oneself. And then an other person could meet his embodied wisdom. Making it really worthwhile to shut up oneself.
If one contrarily would say right away: "I sense a 'Kränking' deep down in you", it's very likely it's more bearable not so close to oneself; or maybe one is a Psychotherapist in need of clients (?) Either way, the recepient of this sentence feels weaker - and not enabled to look at it out of one's own strenght.
Again, so many thanks for clearing everything between us. Do trust your feelings and let them instruct you (and not the other way around). Authority and orderly evolving experience, all in one. Very, very well done.
metta..
