Thank you all for the information on CBT. I just tried to meditate right now for an hour, and it was(as expected)somewhat challenging. I remained calm the entire session, and I think my entire body was relaxed. However, as I meditated I noticed that there were two major repeating thoughts that kept happening:
1. I kept visualizing the music videos I saw on youtube a few hours ago
2. Negative thoughts about the future, regarding my sexuality.
I should elaborate on the second one. I am gay, and I come from an extremely conservative South Asian family. Although many of my close friends know that I am gay, my family does not and I am still not comfortable telling them. For a while, in my undergrad, my anxiety about my situation caused me to have depression and dive into a more moderate version of OCD. It impacted my grades a lot and is still on my mind a lot, although not nearly as much(I finished my undergrad a year ago). I have to be honest in saying that it still causes me to worry sometimes...at least once during the day.
However, there is still one event regarding this that still bothers me. A few years ago, at my temple, a cousin of one of my friends(the cousin was about 26 years old at the time while I was 19)was sitting right behind me. He whispered something really quietly to my friend...I didn't hear what he said, but I intuitively had a gut instinct regarding what he said. He asked my friend if " I was still gay"...my friend laughed and said I wasn't gay and then they both starting laughing behind me....I felt really uncomfortable, so me and another friend moved to the other side of the room. He then laughed with a bunch of his friends about what he had just said, while continuing to glance at me to indicate to his friends that he was talking to me. Afterwards, two of my friends told me what he was laughing at(they were laughing too, because they thought it was really funny, and they don't know I'm gay). This event really traumatized me. It happened 5 years ago, and although it doesn't have the same impact, it still really causes me to think. For about a year or two, I didn't even talk about this situation. I still think about what I would do if I saw this person again--would I shake his hand? Would I want him dead? I constantly reinterpret and replay what he did in my head as I meditate.
It is these two thoughts that dominate my meditation. Today was no exception. When I meditated, and recognized that I have thoughts popping up, I just let them go and continued to focus on my body, and the thoughts kept popping up. Despite this, I maintained my calm, and didn't let it bother me. I meditated for about an hour, but despite the fact that I remained calm, I didn't feel go after the session was over. Is this normal? Am I doing something wrong? Sorry, I just feel like this happens a lot.
P.S. sorry for the long post, this is something I just want to clear up.