Author Topic: help me indians if u can :(  (Read 7701 times)

help me indians if u can :(
« on: December 17, 2010, 02:44:52 AM »
hey guys,

for non indians : in india everyone is religious so sex is kind of taboo here before marriage. and one gets married at the age of around 25 - 30.


so in every guy all the sexual pressure builds up drastically , all they do whole day is roam around girls , talk about sex , bla bla bla.... i have enough control of self in outside world, but only i know that even i have the same problem inside my head.

every girl is ruining my meditation , my calmness , my life , my everything....

its like samatha doesnt help at all.... i see a girl i get lust thoughts, i get thoughts like i should impress here some how, i have to go talk , have sex , i dont give a crap just let me out of this pressure , i do samatha , 2 secs , they come back.
these are one thing i cant stop at all no matter how hard i try.... only way is sit for 30 mins , then i come out calm, relaxed . after that not see any girl :(

is there any solution? should i  go have sex off few times so that it doesnt fell something special to crave ?
this sucks :( i want to get over this
help me

rideforever

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Re: help me indians if u can :(
« Reply #1 on: December 17, 2010, 02:59:07 AM »
have sex

joy

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Re: help me indians if u can :(
« Reply #2 on: December 17, 2010, 08:13:24 AM »

every girl is ruining my meditation , my calmness , my life , my everything....


Why to blame these beautiful girls! They may not even aware that you are a meditator?
Joy

Matthew

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Re: help me indians if u can :(
« Reply #3 on: December 17, 2010, 10:06:57 AM »
Examine these thoughts, find out where they come from .... look into your mind.
~oOo~     Tat Tvam Asi     ~oOo~    How will you make the world a better place today?     ~oOo~    Fabricate Nothing     ~oOo~

Re: help me indians if u can :(
« Reply #4 on: December 17, 2010, 10:24:40 AM »
Quote
Examine these thoughts, find out where they come from .... look into your mind.

but they dont stop just by me realizing there nature or how much harm they do. i cant find there source , thats the prob.  even being completly aware wont help in these situations , they take over me. its like a demon , il be like a helpless kid watching :(
« Last Edit: December 17, 2010, 10:29:19 AM by siddharthgode »

Re: help me indians if u can :(
« Reply #5 on: December 17, 2010, 10:25:52 AM »
Quote
Why to blame these beautiful girls! They may not even aware that you are a meditator?

when did i blame them.. if i could just blame them from bottom of my heart i wouldnt have this problem  ;)

rideforever

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Re: help me indians if u can :(
« Reply #6 on: December 17, 2010, 12:22:03 PM »
have a shag, have a relationship - it's great !

cutting your willy off is not gonna help you meditate

all with awareness

Vivek

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Re: help me indians if u can :(
« Reply #7 on: December 17, 2010, 12:32:56 PM »
Siddharth,

How old are you?

What do you do; are you in school/college or working somewhere?

What are your hobbies? Are there any activities you are most passionate about doing? (apart from sex of course! ;) )

Quote
in india everyone is religious so sex is kind of taboo here before marriage.
I am sorry but that is a very over-generalized statement. Any way, it is irrelevant whether sex is a taboo in India or not; do YOU think it taboo/forbidden to you? What stops YOU from having a healthy relationship with a girl, which MAY involve sex with mutual consent? Let's make this personal.
Let's go beyond this illusion, shall we?

Matthew

  • The Irreverent Buddhist
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  • Meditation: It's a D.I.Y. project.
    • KISS: Keep it simple stupid.
    • Getting nowhere slowly and enjoying every moment.
Re: help me indians if u can :(
« Reply #8 on: December 17, 2010, 01:24:13 PM »
Quote
Examine these thoughts, find out where they come from .... look into your mind.

but they dont stop just by me realizing there nature or how much harm they do. i cant find there source , thats the prob.  even being completly aware wont help in these situations , they take over me. its like a demon , il be like a helpless kid watching :(

No they won't stop just by this. You must develop calm, relaxation and concentration, equanimity - and you have to explore and establish these states of mind in practice in meditation before you can effectively use them in life.

Keep sitting. Keep up the practice. Stop getting so worked up about this (you are just feeding this craving). Remember "this too shall pass" - all phenomena are impermanent.

LAUGH at the taboo of society, at the way  you have internalised it - and the inevitable backlash from your mind: "If this is taboo it must be interesting .... I better PAY A LOT OF ATTENTION TO IT". You are paying a lot of attention to it. Your conditioned mind is behaving like an untamed tiger dragging you around.

Only you can take charge of your mind. Meditation is the most effective tool known to us for doing so, but it takes continued practice, self honesty, discipline/effort and TIME.
~oOo~     Tat Tvam Asi     ~oOo~    How will you make the world a better place today?     ~oOo~    Fabricate Nothing     ~oOo~

Re: help me indians if u can :(
« Reply #9 on: December 17, 2010, 01:43:10 PM »
matthew il be frank, ur words are sooo inspiring all the time that it motivates me to max.... il be like this is it, i can do this, i have to do this. doesnt matter how long it takes ,

but the next moment i get into something , bussssss all is gone :)


Crystal Palace

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  • "Move on Bhikkus, Move On" - Buddha
    • Thai Forest Tradition
Re: help me indians if u can :(
« Reply #10 on: December 17, 2010, 03:22:03 PM »
Siddharth,

Have sex if you can. That is the only way you will realize that even sex will not leave you fulfilled.

Right now, you have been taken over by this wild sexual urge that is preventing you from seeing things clearly. It is very difficult to take steps towards removing the sankhara of lust, when you've never had sex. Naturally the mind will always think about it, distracting you from the fact that it is a craving that can never be satiated. You have created this MASSIVE hype about sex in your mind. When you will actually do it, you will realize its a pretty ordinary thing to do.

Once you do have sex a couple of times, at least this madness of constantly desiring sex will go. You will have the satisfaction of knowing that you've been there, done that. It would be much better if you can motivate yourself, just like a lot of people who become monks at a young age are able to do, that sexual pleasures can be forsaken for obtaining higher forms of happiness. But if you can't, and it seems you cannot, then its better to try it.

DO NOT DO ANYTHING THAT IS UNWHOLESOME, in order to have sex. This includes raping someone, going to a prostitute, sex with objects, men, etc. In Engineering colleges in India, sex is a hard thing to find, simply because a girl is hard to find (there are so few of them) So if you have a girlfriend who is willing, only then go ahead with it. Otherwise wait. And mediate in the meanwhile.

Ultimately, the joy of equanimity is greater than the joy of orgasms. Work hard so that you are not bothered by lustful thoughts every now and then. Sit. Be Mindful. When sexual urge becomes so high, that it prevents you from doing any work, masturbate. But no PORN as it will endlessly provide fuel to your fire.

The desire for sex cannot be removed by engaging in more sex. Remember that always.

Warmly,
Crystal Palace
"Abstain from unwholesome actions,
Perform wholesome actions,
Purify your mind"

Buddha

Re: help me indians if u can :(
« Reply #11 on: December 17, 2010, 06:13:14 PM »
i was waiting for ur answer crystal. since u will also be in my place sometime. :)

thats a great post. ty

Matthew

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  • Meditation: It's a D.I.Y. project.
    • KISS: Keep it simple stupid.
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Re: help me indians if u can :(
« Reply #12 on: December 17, 2010, 06:15:00 PM »
matthew il be frank, ur words are sooo inspiring all the time that it motivates me to max.... il be like this is it, i can do this, i have to do this. doesnt matter how long it takes ,

but the next moment i get into something , bussssss all is gone :)



So then you remember that state of mind where you "get it" and return wilfully to it. This is mindfulness - "Sati" in pali - which is synonymous with "remembering". So when you notice your mind has gone off track remember how it feels for your mind to be on track and put it back there.

This is what we practice doing with the breath in meditation. By focussing on bodily sensations we let the mind be. By calming the body we induce dopamine production which puts the mind in a happier and more receptive and creative state. When we notice we got caught up in thinking we place the mind back on the bodily sensations. We are developing the ability to cntrol what the mind focusses on and we automatically calm the mind.

The same is true when you lose it off the cushion. Step back. Stop. Don't say or do anything. Be aware equally of the body and the mind without clinging to either. Take some breaths and examine a little closer the mind without losing the anchor of the body. These thoughts will dissolve or you will become aware of a layer of consciousness that underlies them. Return to the breath. Remember how it feels to be in the meditative state, quiet, calm and full of equanimity (ore as near as you get). Put your mind in that state.

ps Get laid if you want to but I promise you this: If you decide not to - and ever you get married, you will be glad your wife is the only one. It is not hard to let go of sexual craving. Just stop feeding it. No porn, etc ... Whenever it happens if it is overwhelming then take the steps above, otherwise try and imagine the beautiful young woman aged and old, wrinkly and with no teeth - as she will be one day - and giving you a blow job. That should put you off.
« Last Edit: December 17, 2010, 06:21:09 PM by The Irreverent Buddhist »
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atalero

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Re: help me indians if u can :(
« Reply #13 on: December 17, 2010, 07:37:20 PM »
Matthew, that final image will give me nightmares now  :'(

Very good responses.  I hope this helps you in some way.

rideforever

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Re: help me indians if u can :(
« Reply #14 on: December 17, 2010, 07:48:02 PM »
I am not into this imagining the pus in your body being disgusting ... stuff. You are just making a judgement that your body is bad.  It's not bad it just is what it is.  'imagine how revolting the pus is in your body' ... this is quite mad.  Pus is just what it is.

About sex : when you are a young man it is very hard.  Damn straight.  Your number 1 mission on this earh is to frik.  If you try to suppress it you really cause yourself a lot of problems ... and what has this battle got to do with meditation. 

If you have maintained a high level of awareness and sensitivity you will not find sex to be difficult or have regrets.  It is just what it is.  Sex begins, it lasts for a while, then it ends.  Just like a breath.


Re: help me indians if u can :(
« Reply #15 on: December 17, 2010, 09:01:13 PM »
matthew after reading ur posts there is 1 think i dont understand.


how can u not be enlightened?  ???  ;D

dobe

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Re: help me indians if u can :(
« Reply #16 on: December 18, 2010, 01:22:57 AM »
I'm 21 and still experiencing lustful thoughts like you Siddharthgode...

I do not agree with rideforever that you should just jerk whenever you get the urge, if non-attachment is your goal that is.  Your goal as a meditator is to relinquish all attachments, and to eventually experience yourself as consciousness alone, void of all identifications with your ego.  Jerking off and having sex is not "bad" or sinful, it is just that being free from that energy field is truly wonderful.  By indulging in the senses, you give power to them to control you.  Until you no longer have this craving for sense gratification, you really are not free. 

I used to jerk off quite a bit, at least once a day.  Just to do away with the sexual urge, so I could get on with my life.  After jerking off, the urge would subside for a while... But it's a never-ending cycle if you do this.  I've recently begun to meditate and contemplate on it, and trying to figure out the best ways to get rid of the urge.  I tell you its not easy! lol.  You really need to make a strong intention to not indulge in this sense gratification.  You need to find within yourself the willingness to surrender this attachment, it is not easy.  The feeling of an orgasm is great.  Self-Realization is greater.  Many are the Guru who fall for seduction, it is a very strong attachment.  One must find the willingness to surrender this attachment, as well as surrender the thoughts that always precede the sexual urge.  Body follows mind.  Surrender impure thoughts, and even the most attractive females will eventually be nothing important.  These thoughts will need to be surrendered multiple times, each time you do, they become weaker and less prevalent.  Don't attack yourself with guilt if you need to jerk every once in a while when it becomes over whelming, but avoid porn entirely...

Remember you are an animal with spiritual awareness (most 'humans' are still really only animal).  You still have animal desires and instincts.  Of course she looks sexy.  Of course you want to kill the driver who just cut in front of you.  Of course you want to be the alpha male and win at all times.  You wouldn't be around today if your animal wasn't the way it was.  This doesn't mean they are impossible to transcend, hard, but very possible.  The path becomes easier and easier to walk, dont falter !

Crystal Palace

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    • Thai Forest Tradition
Re: help me indians if u can :(
« Reply #17 on: December 18, 2010, 04:57:23 AM »
That's a nice post dobe.

CP
"Abstain from unwholesome actions,
Perform wholesome actions,
Purify your mind"

Buddha

rideforever

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Re: help me indians if u can :(
« Reply #18 on: December 18, 2010, 06:13:39 AM »
I'm 21 and still experiencing lustful thoughts like you Siddharthgode...

I do not agree with rideforever that you should just jerk whenever you get the urge, if non-attachment is your goal that is.  Your goal as a meditator is to relinquish all attachments, and to eventually experience yourself as consciousness alone, void of all identifications with your ego.  Jerking off and having sex is not "bad" or sinful, it is just that being free from that energy field is truly wonderful.  By indulging in the senses, you give power to them to control you.  Until you no longer have this craving for sense gratification, you really are not free. 

I used to jerk off quite a bit, at least once a day.  Just to do away with the sexual urge, so I could get on with my life.  After jerking off, the urge would subside for a while... But it's a never-ending cycle if you do this.  I've recently begun to meditate and contemplate on it, and trying to figure out the best ways to get rid of the urge.  I tell you its not easy! lol.  You really need to make a strong intention to not indulge in this sense gratification.  You need to find within yourself the willingness to surrender this attachment, it is not easy.  The feeling of an orgasm is great.  Self-Realization is greater.  Many are the Guru who fall for seduction, it is a very strong attachment.  One must find the willingness to surrender this attachment, as well as surrender the thoughts that always precede the sexual urge.  Body follows mind.  Surrender impure thoughts, and even the most attractive females will eventually be nothing important.  These thoughts will need to be surrendered multiple times, each time you do, they become weaker and less prevalent.  Don't attack yourself with guilt if you need to jerk every once in a while when it becomes over whelming, but avoid porn entirely...

Remember you are an animal with spiritual awareness (most 'humans' are still really only animal).  You still have animal desires and instincts.  Of course she looks sexy.  Of course you want to kill the driver who just cut in front of you.  Of course you want to be the alpha male and win at all times.  You wouldn't be around today if your animal wasn't the way it was.  This doesn't mean they are impossible to transcend, hard, but very possible.  The path becomes easier and easier to walk, dont falter !


I strongly disagree with you.

Your goal as a meditator is just to maintain your awareness.  If you pretend to be quiet when you are not - you are a fake and you are strenghthening your mind.

Becoming silent is not a question of just keeeping your mouth shut.  Silence is perhaps the outcome, not the technique.  The technique is awareness and only awareness.

If you are using the 'will', you are using your mind.  If you are using the 'will', you are strengthening your mind and your ego.  This is very dangerous.

If you are trying to ... do anything - you are using your mind.  You are strengthening your mind.  If you are trying to be sex-free, to be silent, to be a great meditator ... you are strenghthening your mind.  You are imagining an outcome in the future and trying to get there - this strenghtens the mind.

The path is only awareness.  Period.  Just watch whatever you are doing.  If ... the sex falls away, then it falls away.  If ... you become silent, you become silent.  That's it.

The technique is to observe the breath, not control the breath.



Crystal Palace

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    • Thai Forest Tradition
Re: help me indians if u can :(
« Reply #19 on: December 18, 2010, 06:20:22 AM »
rideforever,

One can have a sort of a 'gentle determination' that does not reinforce the ego, and yet doesn't make one impassive as well. The key, I suppose, is to find one's own balance.

Crystal Palace
"Abstain from unwholesome actions,
Perform wholesome actions,
Purify your mind"

Buddha

Matthew

  • The Irreverent Buddhist
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  • Meditation: It's a D.I.Y. project.
    • KISS: Keep it simple stupid.
    • Getting nowhere slowly and enjoying every moment.
Re: help me indians if u can :(
« Reply #20 on: December 18, 2010, 11:05:49 AM »
About sex : when you are a young man it is very hard.  Damn straight.  Your number 1 mission on this earh is to frik.  If you try to suppress it you really cause yourself a lot of problems ... and what has this battle got to do with meditation. 
...

Everything.
~oOo~     Tat Tvam Asi     ~oOo~    How will you make the world a better place today?     ~oOo~    Fabricate Nothing     ~oOo~

Matthew

  • The Irreverent Buddhist
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  • Meditation: It's a D.I.Y. project.
    • KISS: Keep it simple stupid.
    • Getting nowhere slowly and enjoying every moment.
Re: help me indians if u can :(
« Reply #21 on: December 18, 2010, 11:09:29 AM »
...The path is only awareness.  Period.  That's it.....

The path is more than that. http://www.thebigview.com/buddhism/eightfoldpath.html

Awareness is part of right meditation - one of the eight folds of the path.
« Last Edit: December 18, 2010, 01:03:45 PM by The Irreverent Buddhist »
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rideforever

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Re: help me indians if u can :(
« Reply #22 on: December 18, 2010, 01:22:46 PM »
The feeling I have in me is that when I am in the midst of my awareness this feels like right; also in this state many symbols occur that indicate to me that something is occurring (a change in the nature of the perceived world, synchronicity).

However following any particular ideas (for instance sexual restraint) feels wrong.

Personally my sexual appetite ranges wildly from ascetic to frantic.  But if I let it be as it is this cultivates less attachment to it, then if I prohibit it or control it.



Quardamon

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Re: help me indians if u can :(
« Reply #23 on: December 18, 2010, 02:57:53 PM »
Hello Rideforever, Matthew, Dobe, and also Siddharthgode.

It seems to me at the moment, that there is a discussion starting apart from the ask for help from Siddharthgode.

Siddharthgode called this thread "Help me Indians if you can :(" and in my eyes there is wisdom to ask for reactions from people that share the culture. Siddharthgode mentions, that he was waiting for the reaction of Cristal Palace, also a young male from India.

Maybe it would be more appropriate to start a separate thread on "The power of meditation" or "Awareness and natural drive" or something.
As much as I agree with you, Rideforever, I feel that you and I are not in a position to be of help for Siddharthgode. Simply because we do not share with him the same cultural background, the same engrained values and prejudices. Most of the people that reacted on this thread do not know the subleties of flirting with an Indian lady, I am afraid.

I will post this now, and go and do some shopping. Christmas is coming up, and it is late in the afternoon, so the shops will close shortly.

I am glad to see, that this is a lively and multi-cultured forum.

With due respect for each of you,

Quardamon

rideforever

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Re: help me indians if u can :(
« Reply #24 on: December 18, 2010, 03:22:48 PM »
Well I am half-Indian thanks !!