Meditation Forum

Vipassana Meditation Forum => Meditation, Practice And The Path => Topic started by: budo on December 08, 2010, 07:06:12 PM

Title: Today, I laugh.
Post by: budo on December 08, 2010, 07:06:12 PM
I've had an interesting two weeks filled with ups and downs, and just wanted to share it with you all.

Last week, due to my severe Crohn's disease I spent the whole week in the hospital which was painful, with lots of needles and tests, and uncomfortable procedures, and not able to eat solid food for a week and losing 10 pounds. I left my home, quit my job, and moved back into with my parents, because they wanted to look after me, only to get constantly verbally attacked by menopausal mother who gets irritated by everything. I've been trying to meditate all week but couldn't feel anything, constantly felt tired, depressed, depleted, and couldn't sit down for more than 20 minutes, and not getting to stages I used to get to in when I lived alone and this created doubt and aversion within me, I used to be able to get Nimatta stages of bliss, and able to meditate for 1-3 hours, and not being able to have this built frustration within me. The fact that I couldn't meditate like before frustrated me, I felt like a beginner all over again, not even able to still my mind.

Yesterday I felt especially depressed, and fed up with my mother's constant nagging and complaining, with her voice haunting my subconscious even after she's left to work, and my dad only contributing to the problem as he is selfish and complaining as well. Why am I even here I ask myself.

But today, today was different, I decided I wasn't going to stay in my bedroom all day, maybe trying to meditate in my bedroom made me feel tired. So instead I waited for my parents to leave to work, and started meditating in the living room. I felt much better, more comfortable, and less irritated.   My brother works from this house in a room he converted to an office, and as I was trying to meditate in the living room, I felt letting go, I felt lighter, I started feeling the joy, I could tell it was coming, and then...

.. my brother coughed really loud which distracted my concentration and I lost everything, but instead of getting irritated, I started laughing, and I started laughing at everything. Laughing at myself, laughing at my monkey mind that can't even stop thinking, and can't let go, laughed at the thought of my nagging parents, laughed at society, laughed at the world, laughed at life. Everything suddenly appeared so SILLY to me, silly like looking at little kids doing silly things. Sometimes people tell you things that are so stupid, yet they take so seriously, you can't help but laugh at them. Sometimes you see people doing stupid silly things, when they're so serious about it, and you can't help but laugh in their face. That's how I felt, I felt everything is so stupid and silly, and laughed at how everyone is taking everything so seriously. 

This is the first time I smiled while meditating, I never ever smiled while meditating before, I took it too seriously. I learned something new today, life is silly, and if you can't laugh at yourself, you're taking life way too seriously. Maybe that's why the Buddha is smiling, he realizes how stupid and silly life is, laughing at himself and the world, and how unnecessary suffering is yet people bring it upon themselves like silly little children.

It's crazy, yesterday I was heavily depressed and a bit angry, today I'm laughing my butt off.

Just thought I'd share what I learned today. Thanks for listening.
Title: Re: Today, I laugh.
Post by: ivana on December 08, 2010, 07:46:12 PM
Hi
Thanks for sharing.
Ivana
Title: Re: Today, I laugh.
Post by: Vivek on December 09, 2010, 04:27:54 AM
Wow, that's some real a**-kicking insight you got, budo! :) Indeed, when we start smiling at the things which used to bother us before, there's the turning point for the seeker. 
Title: Re: Today, I laugh.
Post by: Crystal Palace on December 09, 2010, 08:30:19 AM
Yup this happens. I remember once I made it all the way to the finals of this competition, and was then kicked out at the last minute. I felt dejected and came back home and did some Shamatha. After that I started laughing....


Weird but true.

Best,
CP

PS - One thing your post does confirm budo is how truly difficult it is to be mindful when ill.
Title: Re: Today, I laugh.
Post by: westhead on December 09, 2010, 03:29:57 PM
Hi Budo - thanks for sharing this, I had to laugh when I read the bit about your menopausal mother - I have Crohn's too and you basically just described my early twenties! Things are so much better for me now, and my Crohn's hardly ever flares up - meditation and lifestyle changes definitely help, keep it up!
Title: Re: Today, I laugh.
Post by: Matthew on December 09, 2010, 08:54:25 PM
Ivana look up Vitamin D3 and Crohn's on the net. Be well.
Title: Re: Today, I laugh.
Post by: siddharthgode on December 10, 2010, 01:21:13 PM
life is silly, and if you can't laugh at yourself, you're taking life way too seriously.

catchy :)
will remember this
Title: Re: Today, I laugh.
Post by: ivana on December 10, 2010, 08:25:36 PM
Ivana look up Vitamin D3 and Crohn's on the net. Be well.

Hi why I should look up Vitamin D3 and Crohn's on the net?
 :o
Title: Re: Today, I laugh.
Post by: dobe on December 12, 2010, 02:38:11 PM
ya at a certain level, this world is one big comedy show.  Just the ego dynamics playing out.   It's really quite hysterical, and you gotta watch what you say or laugh at because people take things seriously lol...
Title: Re: Today, I laugh.
Post by: Matthew on December 12, 2010, 05:15:54 PM
.......
This is the first time I smiled while meditating, I never ever smiled while meditating before, I took it too seriously. I learned something new today, life is silly, and if you can't laugh at yourself, you're taking life way too seriously. Maybe that's why the Buddha is smiling, he realizes how stupid and silly life is, laughing at himself and the world, and how unnecessary suffering is yet people bring it upon themselves like silly little children.
.....

Good progress.
Title: Re: Today, I laugh.
Post by: Matthew on December 12, 2010, 05:17:00 PM
Ivana look up Vitamin D3 and Crohn's on the net. Be well.

Hi why I should look up Vitamin D3 and Crohn's on the net?
 :o

Actually I meant to say ... "budo look up Vitamin D3 and Crohn's on the net".

:D