Abiding in calm and mindful self-sufficiency [Journal]

[Quardamon]

  . . .  When I went to Dublin last week I actually went to see my parents which I didn't meet in about 3 years.
   . . .   when they saw me it was a surprise and my father started to cry. I just gave him a loooong hug saying it will all be OK. My mother didn't cry but she was happy to see me.

That is awesome. I am not sure it I ever saw my father cry. At any rate not in combination with a hug from me.
To me it sounds as if, through your growing awareness (and your giving-and-receiving exercise) you can take a role and an inner attitude, that you could not before. And that it is an healing attitude.
 

They would like to see me more often but it is me that was holding back.
   . . .
I invited them to come to my summer house in July.

That is beautiful. It means, that the contact will not have the tone they want, but that you have the initiative. Sounds like you want your awareness to set the tone. It is your perfect right to want that, and probably very healthy for both parties.
Well done.
Your father was not there when you were young. It seems you can have the courage and the grace to be there when your father is old. (I should admit, that I really hope so.) That is awesome.
Take care. Do not expect too much. Just step by step. I am a father (and I had one) and I am proud of you.

Quardamon

P.S.: Am I overdoing it? I'll ask my wife whether it is a good idea to compost oak leaves.

[Morning Dew]

Tomorrow starts my 3 days solo retreat in the summer house.
Bailey the dog is my only companion.
Che Gonetotalysilent

[Vivek]

Good luck, Dusko. May you have a fruitful retreat.

[Morning Dew]

Thank you Vivek my friend

Friendly D

[Matthew]

Peace, enjoy, relax.

[Morning Dew]

I am "back" from the 3 days solo retreat and i now see why people meditate together so to inspire one another to remain sitting on the ars.

Since this was my first retreat and nontheless solo, i decided to sit 5 x 1h every day.
The first day went just fine, calm and relaxing. Had a feeling like my head was the size of this planet, like my arms were huge. I was very small at one stage.
That night i woke up swathing like a pig.

The second day was restless from the early morning and remained like this for the whole day. I felt it going down the drain so i shortend it to 40 minutes 5 times. I totaly lost the breath. I could not find it. I know i was breathing but failed to be aware of it. It was sliping out my hands like a slimey fish.
I started panicking and tried to make the breath longer so to feel it better, tried to concentrate on the lower abdomen but none of it helped. Felt fear slight paranoia. During The last session i managed to click back into calm abiding.

Slept ok.

The 3day started very well. Meditation was relaxed. Random pics from my childhood past. Something to do with the partisan movies we watched on the tv so many times.
After the 3rd session i experienced a very strong sexual sensation so strong i had to release it afterwards.
Afterthis one something broke in my heart. I knew my retreat is over right here and from then on i cried for several hours.

There is more to confess but another time. It is late now i am off to bed.

Friendly Dusko

[Quardamon]

I just want to say I am glad to hear from you. Good night.

[kidnovice]

Well Done, Dusko.

Like Q, I just wanted to say hello... and to tell you that you are simply not alone. Countless practitioners (including myself) have had similar experiences arise during retreat. I think this shared experience reflects the common threads that are woven into the very nature of mind/matter.  So, you have nothing to "confess."  But please, feel free to share.

It makes me really happy to think of the wonderful kamma you have been planting for yourself. I wish you all the best!

With metta,
Dylan

[Morning Dew]

Thank you lads

The tomatos and onions are growing nicely. I think i can see the carrots shooting up too.





Friendly Dusko

[Matthew]

Dusko,

Welcome back. You challenged yourself and learned some things. It's all good. The release was clearly needed.

Speak soon,

Matthew

[Morning Dew]

Thanks Matthew

I would like to share the rest of the story which hapened recently just a few days before my solo retreat. Actualy that was the very reason i engaged into a solitary retreat.

The door bell rang and i went to open it. Two police(wo)man asked if they could come in and i said of course. They asked if im alone at home and i said no and that my wife is in the living room. My dog was barking at them and the police officer asked me to remove the dog. I send him into his place. He layed there quietly. One of the officers stayed with me in one room and the other went to talk to my wife.

She asked me if i have anything to say. For a moment i could not open my mouth and just looked at her. She said "do you refuse to talk". I said not at all and tried to explained what happened. My heart started beating like crazy in my chest but only until i went back to calm abiding it slowd down again. I said how i was sitting and meditating with ear pluggs and at some stage my wife came into the room telling me that we should go shopping. I didnt answer hoping she will understand that i am in the middle of meditating like i did for more than a year now and she never interupted me before. She continued to call me and i made a shhhhh sound making it clear that i want to continue meditating but she carried on because i promisssed the other day.
I took my ear pluggs out telling that i cant believe she is doing this and got up. She went on saying how i promissed we will go shopping etc... I was so pissed off i pushed her on a face and she started screeming saying "stop hitting me" i said i am not hitting you but pushing you. She scrathed my arms with her long nails. My skin started to bleed. I hit her in her hands she scrathed more and made a gesture like she will hit me with a chair. I took the chair and broke it in half. She cried loud.

At some stage neighbours called the police to check what is going on.

The police went out after about half an hour.

I went to work and made a decision it is time to go into solitude and live on my own in the summerhouse for a while surounded by nature.
It was a good decission. I am here now and i feel fulfiled. There is this throbing sensation in my belly which feels good.
That is why i decided i must do a retreat and let some s h i t come to the surface.

I will live here for the whole summer period. My wife will visit Bailey (dog) and me every weeked. We still love one another and understand the nature of our fight. Egos fighting for power.

Well that is it. Thank you for reading this sharing of mine.

Friendly Dusko

[rideforever]

Good luck to you Dusko

You have courage

[Matthew]

Be well to you both.

Much love,

Matthew

[kidnovice]

Yes, may you both be happy. Best wishes for your continuing retreat,

With metta,
Dylan

[Andrew]

Good decision Dusko.
I've been in fights with my spouse like you described, police and all, but I didn't have Calm-Abiding to fall back on though. Even now I feel that I need a retreat to get some sitting time in, as life has a habit of repeating itself. No matter how calm we are, our woman will always want to test that. It is her nature. If my wife wasn't like that then she wouldn't be the one for me. Though that hasn't stopped me dreaming of an easier life!

Sitting is good, but is not everything. I say that as something I think is true, but if it was up to me I would sit everyday all day!

For the next three days I'm going to be trying something out of the Superior Man book; realize something I am/do because of my late father, and live the opposite truth to that. For me that is being frustrated at work and shirking responsibility to cover emotional pain. I'm going to be happy and hardworking! I mean I am happy and hardworking,  as of NOW  

Life is a meditation, then we wake up.

love

andy

[Morning Dew]

Thank you guys and thank you Andy for sharing.

My wife is realising the fact that i am not willing to live in the city anymore and has already started to look for certain farms around south of sweden with enough land for self sufficient farming. She even considered for us to adopt abused children in a case we cant have own ones. This way the government also helps the new parents with a good monthly wage/pay so one parent can stay more focused at the kid. This would make full time self sufficient farming possible and another kid would get a new chance for good life. My wife wishes to continue working which is ok with me. I like the plan

It is absolutely lovely to wake up here at summerhouse. The mornin dew, birds song, smell of the horses crap, horses, everything turning green, mist ... so harmonious



Friendly Dusko

[Andrew]

Hey Dusko,

This family is very inspiring with self sufficiency.

Path to Freedom - Homestead Growing Your Own Food Urban Garden

http://urbanhomestead.org/

love to all

andy

[Morning Dew]

Thanks for the link Andy good one!

Update on my practice;

This very moment i made a decission to stop my formal practice for a while. I feel i am clinging to it. I feel i am running away from life into wrong jhana states. I must get out of this and re-establish right effort, mindfulness and concentration. I must be clear about why i am doing all this.
Time for contemplation.

Many month ago i bought a book which i started reading just to put it away after i read a third part of it. At that time it made little sense to me. Today i started reading it again from the start and it resonates with me. I will read it and contemplate it so to re-establish my practice based on right mindfulness and right concentration.
The book is called Beyond Mindfulness in Plain English.

Friendly Dusko

[Andrew]

You are a wise man my friend, and an inspiration.

love
andy

[Matthew]

...

Many month ago i bought a book which i started reading just to put it away after i read a third part of it. At that time it made little sense to me. Today i started reading it again from the start and it resonates with me. I will read it and contemplate it so to re-establish my practice based on right mindfulness and right concentration.
The book is called Beyond Mindfulness in Plain English.

Friendly Dusko

Dusko,

Good choice of read. Now you have some months of practice you will get much from it.

Warmly,

Matthew

[Morning Dew]

You are a wise man my friend, and an inspiration.

love
andy

Thank you Andy my friend
I sure hope this journal of mine is a bit inspiering. For that very reason i decided to start this journal in here for members and guests to read it.

Matthew did you read this book? I ask because i would like your opinion on it. Are there parts in it which are of greater importance to read through, or parts which are better to avoid, etc?
I feel i need to slow down considerably, i require great silence from within and without. The summerhouse is offering the second one the first is up to me slowing down the habitual flow.

As B. Gunarantana sais "the existance of objects in the world does not cause craving to arise in your mind until you encounter them and reflect on them in an unwise manner."

I must stop now and go make some food and walk the dog

Ta ta friends

[Mungo]

All the best Dusko. Sometimes we dont just need to slow down but come to a complete stop - right back down to zero. Our lives, however simple or complex, can gather a great momentum that could leave it seemingly spinning out of control. From a complete stop we can then slowly speed back up to a more normal preferred speed.

[Morning Dew]

Yes a complete stop very wise words my friend, so true.

I just realised that i must kill the meditator i became. It started to look more like a fashion week/day. At this hour i sit and i dress like this and i even asessorise i have a seiza bench and a mat and a small Buddha statue and a meditation mask from Bali, i can sit this or that amount of time, if i get some cool sensation i can run to my ciber sangha and tell them all about it, etc.

Yes i must slow down now, very much so because i am not walking on normal ground anymore but on a very thin wire over an abis and great concentration and calm and silence and mindfulness is required to walk on this wire.

Thanks again.

Friendly D

[rideforever]

Yes a complete stop very wise words my friend, so true.

I just realised that i must kill the meditator i became. It started to look more like a fashion week/day. At this hour i sit and i dress like this and i even asessorise i have a seiza bench and a mat and a small Buddha statue and a meditation mask from Bali, i can sit this or that amount of time, if i get some cool sensation i can run to my ciber sangha and tell them all about it, etc.

Yes i must slow down now, very much so because i am not walking on normal ground anymore but on a very thin wire over an abis and great concentration and calm and silence and mindfulness is required to walk on this wire.

Thanks again.

Friendly D

Hey.  To me you sound a bit tough on yourself sometimes, when you say "kill the meditator" ... it seems to me harsh.  Why "kill" ?

It's okay to need some structure and some love and some support, and to take a break and watch a movie, and have some distractions as well.  We are only human. 

It feels to me upsetting and painful to realise that I do need support ... it opens up a feeling of vulnerability - it's more comfortable to think if I can just meditate harder on my own, if I am just stricter and tougher, then I can get there.  But if I am honest about my need for support, stability, steadiness, human company ... some sense of normality ... that can feel scary.

[Morning Dew]

When i say "kill" i mean shine the awareness light on it until it fades away
No actual killing going on. I will try and not use that word again.

Friendly